Sheraisedaboythatcouldnottellalie—couldnottellalie！
　　Butheneverhadanychance。ItmighthavebeendifferentifhehadbelongedtotheWashingtonNewspaperCorrespondents'Club。
　　Irepeat,sir,thatinwhateverpositionyouplaceawomansheisanornamenttosocietyandatreasuretotheworld。Asasweetheart,shehasfewequalsandnosuperiors;asacousin,sheisconvenient;
　　asawealthygrandmotherwithanincurabledistemper,sheisprecious;
　　asawet—nurse,shehasnoequalamongmen。
　　What,sir,wouldthepeopleoftheearthbewithoutwoman？Theywouldbescarce,sir,almightyscarce。Thenletuscherishher;letusprotecther;letusgiveheroursupport,ourencouragement,oursympathy,ourselves—ifwegetachance。
　　But,jestingaside,Mr。President,womanislovable,gracious,kindofheart,beautiful—worthyofallrespect,ofallesteem,ofalldeference。Notanyherewillrefusetodrinkherhealthrightcordiallyinthisbumperofwine,foreachandeveryonehaspersonallyknown,andloved,andhonoredtheverybestoneofthemall—hisownmother。
　　ADVICETOGIRLS。
　　In1907ayounggirlwhomMr。ClemensmetonthesteamerMinnehahacalledhim"grandpa,"andhecalledherhisgranddaughter。ShewasattendingSt。Timothy'sSchool,atCatonsville,Maryland,andMr。
　　Clemenspromisedhertoseehergraduate。HeaccordinglymadethejourneyfromNewYorkonJune10,1909,anddeliveredashortaddress。
　　IDON'Tknowwhattotellyougirlstodo。Mr。Martinhastoldyoueverythingyououghttodo,andnowImustgiveyousomedon'ts。
　　TherearethreethingswhichcometomymindwhichIconsiderexcellentadvice:
　　First,girls,don'tsmoke—thatis,don'tsmoketoexcess。Iamseventy—threeandahalfyearsold,andhavebeensmokingseventy—threeofthem。ButIneversmoketoexcess—thatis,Ismokeinmoderation,onlyonecigaratatime。
　　Second,don'tdrink—thatis,don'tdrinktoexcess。
　　Third,don'tmarry—Imean,toexcess。
　　Honestyisthebestpolicy。Thatisanoldproverb;butyoudon'twantevertoforgetitinyourjourneythroughlife。
　　TAXESANDMORALS。
　　ADDRESSDELIVEREDINNEWYORK,JANUARY22,1906。
　　Atthetwenty—fifthanniversaryofthefoundingofTuskeegeeInstitutebyBookerT。Washington,Mr。Choatepresided,andinintroducingMr。Clemensmadefunofhimbecausehemadeplayhiswork,andthatwhenheworkedhardesthedidsolyinginbed。
　　ICAMEhereintheresponsiblecapacityofpolicemantowatchMr。
　　Choate。Thisisanoccasionofgraveandseriousimportance,anditseemsnecessaryformetobepresent,sothatifhetriedtoworkoffanystatementthatrequiredcorrection,reduction,refutation,orexposure,therewouldbeatriedfriendofthepublictoprotectthehouse。Hehasnotmadeonestatementwhoseveracityfailstotallyexactlywithmyownstandard。Ihaveneverseenapersonimproveso。
　　Thismakesmethankfulandproudofacountrythatcanproducesuchmen—twosuchmen。Andallinthesamecountry。Wecan'tbewithyoualways;wearepassingaway,andthen—well,everythingwillhavetostop,Ireckon。Itisasadthought。ButinspiritIshallstillbewithyou。Choate,too—ifhecan。
　　EverybornAmericanamongtheeightymillions,lethiscreedordestitutionofcreedbewhatitmay,isindisputablyaChristiantothisdegree—thathismoralconstitutionisChristian。
　　TherearetwokindsofChristianmorals,oneprivateandtheotherpublic。Thesetwoaresodistinct,sounrelated,thattheyarenomoreakintoeachotherthanarearchangelsandpoliticians。Duringthreehundredandsixty—threedaysintheyeartheAmericancitizenistruetohisChristianprivatemorals,andkeepsundefiledthenation'scharacteratitsbestandhighest;thenintheothertwodaysoftheyearheleaveshisChristianprivatemoralsathomeandcarrieshisChristianpublicmoralstothetaxofficeandthepolls,anddoesthebesthecantodamageandundohiswholeyear'sfaithfulandrighteouswork。Withoutablushhewillvoteforanuncleanbossifthatbossishisparty'sMoses,withoutcompunctionhewillvoteagainstthebestmaninthewholelandifheisontheotherticket。
　　EveryyearinanumberofcitiesandStateshehelpsputcorruptmeninoffice,whereasifhewouldbutthrowawayhisChristianpublicmorals,andcarryhisChristianprivatemoralstothepolls,hecouldpromptlypurifythepublicserviceandmakethepossessionofofficeahighandhonorabledistinction。
　　OnceayearhelaysasidehisChristianprivatemoralsandhiresaferry—boatandpilesuphisbondsinawarehouseinNewJerseyforthreedays,andgetsouthisChristianpublicmoralsandgoestothetaxofficeandholdsuphishandsandswearshewisheshemaynever—
　　neverifhe'sgotacentintheworld,sohelphim。Thenextdaythelistappearsinthepapers—acolumnandaquarterofnames,infineprint,andeverymaninthelistabillionaireandmemberofacoupleofchurches。Iknowallthosepeople。Ihavefriendly,social,andcriminalrelationswiththewholelotofthem。Theynevermissasermonwhentheyareso'stobearound,andtheynevermissswearing—offday,whethertheyareso'stobearoundornot。
　　Iusedtobeanhonestman。Iamcrumbling。No—Ihavecrumbled。
　　Whentheyassessedmeat$75,000afortnightagoIwentoutandtriedtoborrowthemoney,andcouldn't;thenwhenIfoundtheywerelettingawholecropofmillionairesliveinNewYorkatathirdofthepricetheywerechargingmeIwashurt,Iwasindignant,andsaid:
　　"Thisisthelastfeather。Iamnotgoingtorunthistownallbymyself。"Inthatmoment—inthatmemorablemoment—Ibegantocrumble。
　　Infifteenminutesthedisintegrationwascomplete。InfifteenminutesIhadbecomejustameremoralsand—pile;andIliftedupmyhandalongwiththoseseasonedandexperienceddeaconsandsworeoffeveryragofpersonalpropertyI'vegotintheworld,cleardowntocorkleg,glasseye,andwhatisleftofmywig。
　　Thosetaxofficersweremoved;theywereprofoundlymoved。Theyhadlongbeenaccustomedtoseeinghardenedoldgraftersactlikethat,andtheycouldendurethespectacle;buttheywereexpectingbetterthingsofme,achartered,professionalmoralist,andtheyweresaddened。
　　Ifellvisiblyintheirrespectandesteem,andIshouldhavefalleninmyown,exceptthatIhadalreadystruckbottom,andtherewasn'tanyplacetofallto。
　　AtTuskeegeetheywilljumptomisleadingconclusionsfrominsufficientevidence,alongwithDoctorParkhurst,andtheywilldeceivethestudentwiththesuperstitionthatnogentlemaneverswears。
　　Lookatthosegoodmillionaires;aren'ttheygentlemen？Well,theyswear。Onlyonceinayear,maybe,butthere'senough,bulktoittomakeupforthelosttime。Anddotheyloseanythingbyit？No,theydon't;theysaveenoughinthreeminutestosupportthefamilysevenyears。Whentheyswear,doweshudder？No—unlesstheysay"damn！"
　　Thenwedo。Itshrivelsusallup。Yetweoughtnottofeelsoaboutit,becauseweallswear—everybody。Includingtheladies。IncludingDoctorParkhurst,thatstrongandbraveandexcellentcitizen,butsuperficiallyeducated。
　　Foritisnotthewordthatisthesin,itisthespiritbackoftheword。Whenanirritatedladysays"oh！"thespiritbackofitis"damn！"andthatisthewayitisgoingtoberecordedagainsther。ItalwaysmakesmesosorrywhenIhearaladyswearlikethat。Butifshesays"damn,"andsaysitinanamiable,niceway,itisn'tgoingtoberecordedatall。
　　Theideathatnogentlemaneverswearsisallwrong;hecanswearandstillbeagentlemanifhedoesitinaniceandbenevolentandaffectionateway。Thehistorian,JohnFiske,whomIknewwellandloved,wasaspotlessandmostnobleanduprightChristiangentleman,andyethesworeonce。Notexactlythat,maybe;still,he—butIwilltellyouaboutit。
　　Oneday,whenhewasdeeplyimmersedinhiswork,hiswifecamein,muchmovedandprofoundlydistressed,andsaid:"Iamsorrytodisturbyou,John,butImust,forthisisaseriousmatter,andneedstobeattendedtoatonce。"
　　Then,lamenting,shebroughtagraveaccusationagainsttheirlittleson。Shesaid:"HehasbeensayinghisAuntMaryisafoolandhisAuntMarthaisadamnedfool。"Mr。Fiskereflecteduponthematteraminute,thensaid:"Oh,well,it'saboutthedistinctionIshouldmakebetweenthemmyself。"
　　Mr。Washington,Ibegyoutoconveytheseteachingstoyourgreatandprosperousandmostbeneficenteducationalinstitution,andaddthemtotheprodigalmentalandmoralricheswherewithyouequipyourfortunateprotegesforthestruggleoflife。
　　TAMMANYANDCROKER。
　　Mr。ClemensmadehisdebutasacampaignoratoronOctober7,1901,advocatingtheelectionofSethLowforMayor,notasaRepublican,butasamemberofthe"Acorns,"whichhedescribedasa"thirdpartyhavingnopoliticalaffiliation,butwasconcernedonlyintheselectionofthebestcandidatesandthebestmember。"
　　GREATBRITAINhadaTammanyandaCrokeragoodwhileago。ThisTammanywasinIndia,anditbeganitscareerwiththespreadoftheEnglishdominionaftertheBattleofPlassey。ItsfirstbosswasClive,asufficientlycrookedpersonsometimes,butstraightasayardstickwhencomparedwiththecorkscrewcrookednessofthesecondboss,WarrenHastings。
　　Thatold—timeTammanywastheEastIndiaCompany'sgovernment,andhaditsheadquartersatCalcutta。OstensiblyitconsistedofaGreatCounciloffourpersons,ofwhomonewastheGovernor—General,WarrenHastings;reallyitconsistedofoneperson—WarrenHastings;
　　forbyusurpationheconcentratedallauthorityinhimselfandgovernedthecountrylikeanautocrat。
　　OstensiblytheCourtofDirectors,sittinginLondonandrepresentingthevastinterestsofthestockholders,wassupremeinauthorityovertheCalcuttaGreatCouncil,whosemembershipitappointedandremovedatpleasure,whosepoliciesitdictated,andtowhomitconveyeditswillintheformofsovereigncommands;butwheneveritsuitedHastings,heignoredeventhataugustbody'sauthorityandconductedthemightyaffairsoftheBritishEmpireinIndiatosuithisownnotions。
　　Athismercywasthedailybreadofeveryofficial,everytrader,everyclerk,everycivilservant,bigandlittle,inthewholehugeIndiaCompany'smachine,andthemanwhohazardedhisbreadbyanyfailureofsubserviencytothebosslostit。
　　Nowthen,letthesuprememastersofBritishIndia,thegiantcorporationoftheIndiaCompanyofLondon,standforthevotersofthecityofNewYork;lettheGreatCouncilofCalcuttastandforTammany;letthecorruptandmoney—grubbinggreathiveofserfswhichservedundertheIndianTammany'srodstandforNewYorkTammany'sserfs;letWarrenHastingsstandforRichardCroker,anditseemstomethattheparallelisexactandcomplete。AndsoletusbeproperlygratefulandthankGodandourgoodluckthatwedidn'tinventTammany。
　　EdmundBurke,regardedbymanyasthegreatestoratorofalltimes,conductedthecaseagainstWarrenHastingsinthatrenownedtrialwhichlastedyears,andwhichpromisestokeepitsrenownforcenturiestocome。Iwishtoquotesomeofthethingshesaid。I
　　wishtoimaginehimarraingingMr。CrokerandTammanybeforethevotersofNewYorkCityandpleadingwiththemfortheoverthrowofthatcombinediniquityofthe5thofNovember,andwillsubstitutefor"MyLords,"read"Fellow—Citizens";for"Kingdom,"read"City";for"ParliamentaryProcess,"read"PoliticalCampaign";for"TwoHouses,"read"TwoParties,"andsoitreads:
　　"Fellow—citizens,Imustlookuponitasanauspiciouscircumstancetothiscause,inwhichthehonorofthecityisinvolved,thatfromthefirstcommencementofourpoliticalcampaigntothisthehourofsolemntrialnotthesmallestdifferenceofopinionhasarisenbetweenthetwoparties。
　　"Youwillsee,intheprogressofthiscause,thatthereisnotonlyalong,connected,systematicseriesofmisdemeanors,butanequallyconnectedsystemofmaximsandprinciplesinventedtojustifythem。
　　Uponbothoftheseyoumustjudge。
　　"ItisnotonlytheinterestofthecityofNewYork,nowthemostconsiderablepartofthecityoftheAmericans,whichisconcerned,butthecreditandhonorofthenationitselfwillbedecidedbythisdecision。"
　　AtalatermeetingoftheAcornClub,Mr。Clemenssaid:
　　Tammanyisdead,andthere'snouseinblackguardingacorpse。
　　Theelectionmakesmethinkofastoryofamanwhowasdying。Hehadonlytwominutestolive,sohesentforaclergymanandaskedhim,"Whereisthebestplacetogoto？"Hewasundecidedaboutit。Sotheminister。toldhimthateachplacehaditsadvantages—heavenforclimate,andhellforsociety。
　　MUNICIPALCORRUPTION。
　　ADDRESSATTHECITYCLUBDINNER,JANUARY4,1901。
　　BishopPottertoldhowanallegedrepresentativeofTammanyHallaskedhimineffectifhewouldceasehiswarfareuponthePoliceDepartmentifacertaincaptainandinspectorweredismissed。Herepliedthathewouldneverbesatisfieduntilthe"manatthetop"
　　andthe"system"whichpermittedevilsinthePoliceDepartmentwerecrushed。
　　THEBishophasjustspokenofaconditionofthingswhichnoneofuscandeny,andwhichoughtnottoexist;thatis,thelustofgain—alustwhichdoesnotstopshortofthepenitentiaryorthejailtoaccomplishitsends。Butwemaybesureofonething,andthatisthatthissortofthingisnotuniversal。Ifitwere,thiscountrywouldnotbe。Youmayputthisdownasafact:thatoutofeveryfiftymen,forty—nineareclean。Thenwhyisit,youmayask,thattheforty—ninedon'thavethingsthewaytheywantthem？I'lltellyouwhyitis。Agooddealhasbeensaidhereto—nightaboutwhatistobeaccomplishedbyorganization。That'sjustthething。It'sbecausethefiftiethfellowandhispalsareorganizedandtheotherforty—ninearenotthatthedirtyonerubsitintothecleanfellowseverytime。
　　Youmaysayorganize,organize,organize;buttheremaybesomuchorganizationthatitwillinterferewiththeworktobedone。TheBishopherehadanexperienceofthatsort,andtoldallaboutitdown—towntheothernight。Hewaspaintingabarn—itwashisownbarn—andyethewasinformedthathisworkmuststop;hewasanon—unionpainter,andcouldn'tcontinueatthatsortofjob。
　　Now,alltheseconditionsofwhichyoucomplainshouldberemedied,andIamheretotellyoujusthowtodoit。I'vebeenastatesmanwithoutsalaryformanyyears,andIhaveaccomplishedgreatandwidespreadgood。Idon'tknowthatithasbenefitedanybodyverymuch,evenifitwasgood;butIdoknowthatithasn'tharmedmeverymuch,andishasn'tmademeanyricher。
　　Weholdthebalanceofpower。Putupyourbestmenforoffice,andweshallsupportthebetterone。WiththeelectionofthebestmanforMayorwouldfollowtheselectionofthebestmanforPoliceCommissionerandChiefofPolice。
　　Myfirstlessoninthecraftofstatesmanshipwastakenatanearlyage。Fifty—oneyearsagoIwasfourteenyearsold,andwehadasocietyinthetownIlivedin,patternedaftertheFree—masons,ortheAncientOrderofUnitedFarmers,orsomesuchthing—justwhatitwaspatternedafterdoesn'tmatter。Ithadaninsideguardandanoutsideguard,andapast—grandwarden,andalotofsuchthings,soastogivedignitytotheorganizationandofficestothemembers。
　　Generallyspeakingitwasaprettygoodsortoforganization,andsomeoftheverybestboysinthevillage,including—butImustn'tgetpersonalonanoccasionlikethis—andthesocietywouldhavegotalongprettywellhaditnotbeenforthefactthattherewereacertainnumberofthememberswhocouldbebought。Theygottobeaninfernalnuisance。Everytimewehadanelectionthecandidateshadtogoaroundandseethepurchasablemembers。Thepricepervotewaspaidindoughnuts,anditdependedsomewhatontheappetitesoftheindividualsastothepriceofthevotes。
　　Thisthingranalonguntilsomeofus,thereallyverybestboysintheorganization,decidedthatthesecorruptpracticesmuststop,andforthepurposeofstoppingthemweorganizedathirdparty。Wehadaname,butwewereneverknownbythatname。Thosewhodidn'tlikeuscalledustheAnti—Doughnutparty,butwedidn'tmindthat。
　　Wesaid:"Calluswhatyouplease;thenamedoesn'tmatter。Weareorganizedforaprinciple。"By—and—bytheelectioncamearound,andwemadeabigmistake。Weweretriumphantlybeaten。Thattaughtusalesson。Thenandtherewedecidedneveragaintonominateanybodyforanything。Wedecidedsimplytoforcetheothertwopartiesinthesocietytonominatetheirverybestmen。Althoughwewereorganizedforaprinciple,wedidn'tcaremuchaboutthat。
　　Principlesaren'tofmuchaccountanyway,exceptatelection—time。
　　Afterthatyouhangthemuptoletthemseason。
　　Thenexttimewehadanelectionwetoldboththeotherpartiesthatwe'dbeatanycandidatesputupbyanyoneofthemofwhomwedidn'tapprove。Inthatelectionwedidbusiness。Wegotthemanwewanted。I
　　supposetheycalledustheAnti—Doughnutpartybecausetheycouldn'tbuyuswiththeirdoughnuts。Theydidn'thaveenoughofthem。Mostreformersarriveattheirpricesoonerorlater,andIsupposewewouldhavehadourprice;butouropponentsweren'tofferinganythingbutdoughnuts,andthosewespurned。
　　NowitseemstomethatanAnti—Doughnutpartyisjustwhatiswantedinthepresentemergency。IwouldhavetheAnti—DoughnutsfeltineverycityandhamletandschooldistrictinthisStateandintheUnitedStates。IwasanAnti—Doughnutinmyboyhood,andI'manAnti—Doughnutstill。ThemoderndesignationisMugwump。ThereusedtobequiteanumberofusMugwumps,butIthinkI'mtheonlyoneleft。Ihadavotethisfall,andIbegantomakesomeinquiriesastowhatIhadbetterdowithit。
　　Idon'tknowanythingaboutfinance,andIneverdid,butIknowsomeprettyshrewdfinanciers,andtheytoldmethatMr。Bryanwasn'tsafeonanyfinancialquestion。Isaidtomyself,then,thatitwouldn'tdoformetovoteforBryan,andIratherthought—Iknownow—thatMcKinleywasn'tjustrightonthisPhilippinequestion,andsoIjustdidn'tvoteforanybody。I'vegotthatvoteyet,andI'vekeptitclean,readytodepositatsomeotherelection。Itwasn'tcastforanywildcatfinancialtheories,anditwasn'tcasttosupportthemanwhosendsourboysasvolunteersoutintothePhilippinestogetshotdownunderapollutedflag。
　　MUNICIPALGOVERNMENT。
　　ADDRESSATTHEANNUALDINNEROFTHEST。NICHOLAS
　　SOCIETY,NEWYORK,DECEMBER6,1900。
　　DoctorMackay,inhisresponsetothetoast"St。Nicholas,"referredtoMr。Clemens,saying:"MarkTwainisastrueapreacheroftruerighteousnessasanybishop,priest,orministerofanychurchto—day,becausehemovesmentoforgettheirfaultsbycheerfulwell—doinginsteadofmakingthemsourandmorbidbyeverlastinglybendingtheirattentiontotheseamyandsobersideoflife。"
　　MR。CHAIRMANANDGENTLEMENOFTHEST。NICHOLASSOCIETY,—Theseare,indeed,prosperousdaysforme。Nightbeforelast,inaspeech,theBishopoftheDioceseofNewYorkcomplimentedmeformycontributiontotheology,andto—nighttheReverendDoctorMackayhaselectedmetotheministry。IthankedBishopPotterthenforhiscompliment,andIthankDoctorMackaynowforthatpromotion。I
　　thinkthatbothhavediscernedinmewhatIlongagodiscerned,butwhatIwasafraidtheworldwouldneverlearntorecognize。
　　InthisabsenceofnineyearsIfindagreatimprovementinthecityofNewYork。Iamgladtospeakonthatasatoast—"TheCityofNewYork。"SomesayithasimprovedbecauseIhavebeenaway。Others,andIagreewiththem,sayithasimprovedbecauseIhavecomeback。
　　Wemustjudgeofacity,asofaman,byitsexternalappearancesandbyitsinwardcharacter。Inexternalstheforeignercomingtotheseshoresismoreimpressedatfirstbyoursky—scrapers。Theyarenewtohim。HehasnotdoneanythingofthesortsincehebuiltthetowerofBabel。Theforeignerisshockedbythem。
　　Inthedaylighttheyareugly。Theyare—well,toochimneyfiedandtoosnaggy—likeamouththatneedsattentionfromadentist;likeacemeterythatisallmonumentsandnogravestones。Butatnight,seenfromtheriverwheretheyarecolumnstoweringagainstthesky,allsparklingwithlight,theyarefairylike;theyarebeautymoresatisfactorytothesoulandmoreenchantingthananythingthatmanhasdreamedofsincetheArabiannights。Wecan'talwayshavethebeautifulaspectofthings。Letusmakethemostofoursightsthatarebeautifulandlettheothersgo。WhenyourforeignermakesdisagreeablecommentsonNewYorkbydaylight,floathimdowntheriveratnight。
　　Whathasmadethesesky—scraperspossibleistheelevator。Thecigar—boxwhichtheEuropeancallsa"lift"needsbuttobecomparedwithourelevatorstobeappreciated。Theliftstopstoreflectbetweenfloors。Thatisallrightinahearse,butnotinelevators。
　　TheAmericanelevatoractsliketheman'spatentpurge—itworked。
　　Astheinventorsaid,"Thispurgedoesn'twasteanytimefoolingaround;itattendsstrictlytobusiness。"
　　ThatNew—Yorkershavethecleanest,quickest,andmostadmirablesystemofstreetrailwaysintheworldhasbeenforceduponyoubytheabnormalappreciationyouhaveofyourhackman。Weoughtalwaystobegratefultohimforthatservice。Nobodyelsewouldhavebroughtsuchasystemintoexistenceforus。Weoughttobuildhimamonument。
　　Weowehimoneasmuchasweoweonetoanybody。Letitbeatallone。
　　Nothingpermanent,ofcourse;builditofplaster,say。Thengazeatitandrealizehowgratefulweare—forthetimebeing—andthenpullitdownandthrowitontheash—heap。That'sthewaytohonoryourpublicheroes。
　　Astoourstreets,Ifindthemcleanerthantheyusedtobe。I
　　missthosedearoldlandmarks,thesymmetricalmountainrangesofdustanddirtthatusedtobepiledupalongthestreetsforthewindandraintoteardownattheirpleasure。Yes,NewYorkiscleanerthanBombay。IrealizethatIhavebeeninBombay,thatInowaminNewYork;thatitisnotmydutytoflatterBombay,butrathertoflatterNewYork。
　　ComparedwiththewretchedattemptsofLondontolightthatcity,NewYorkmayfairlybesaidtobeawell—lightedcity。Why,London'sattemptatgoodlightingisalmostasbadasLondon'sattemptatrapidtransit。ThereisjustonegoodsystemofrapidtransitinLondon—the"Tube,"andthat,ofcourse,hadbeenputinbyAmericans。Perhaps,afterawhile,thoseAmericanswillcomebackandgiveNewYorkalsoagoodundergroundsystem。Perhapstheyhavealreadybegun。IhavebeensobusysinceIcamebackthatIhaven'thadtimeasyettogodowncellar。
　　Butitisbythelawsofthecity,itisbythemannersofthecity,itisbytheidealsofthecity,itisbythecustomsofthecityandbythemunicipalgovernmentwhichalltheseelementscorrect,support,andfoster,bywhichtheforeignerjudgesthecity。ItisbythesethatherealizesthatNewYorkmay,indeed,holdherheadhighamongthecitiesoftheworld。Itisbythesestandardsthatheknowswhethertoclassthecityhigherorlowerthantheothermunicipalitiesoftheworld。
　　Gentlemen,youhavethebestmunicipalgovernmentintheworld—
　　thepurestandthemostfragrant。Theveryangelsenvyyou,andwishtheycouldestablishagovernmentlikeitinheaven。Yougotitbyanoblefidelitytocivicduty。Yougotitbysternandever—watchfulexertionofthegreatpowerswithwhichyouarechargedbytherightswhichwerehandeddowntoyoubyyourforefathers,byyourmanlyrefusaltoletbasemeninvadethehighplacesofyourgovernment,andbyinstantretaliationwhenanypublicofficerhasinsultedyouinthecity'snamebyswervingintheslightestfromtheuprightandfullperformanceofhisduty。Itisyouwhohavemadethiscitytheenvyofthecitiesoftheworld。Godwillblessyouforit—Godwillblessyouforit。Why,whenyouapproachthefinalresting—placetheangelsofheavenwillgatheratthegatesandcryout:
　　"Heretheycome！Showthemtothearchangel'sbox,andturnthelime—lightonthem！"
　　CHINAANDTHEPHILIPPINES。
　　ATADINNERGIVENINTHEWALDORF—ASTORIAHOTEL,DECEMBER,1900。
　　WinstonSpencerChurchillwasintroducedbyMr。ClemensFORyearsI'vebeenaself—appointedmissionarytobringabouttheunionofAmericaandthemotherland。Theyoughttobeunited。BeholdAmerica,therefugeoftheoppressedfromeverywhere（whocanpayfiftydollars'admission）—anyoneexceptaChinaman—standingupforhumanrightseverywhere,evenhelpingChinaletpeopleinfreewhenshewantstocollectfiftydollarsuponthem。AndhowunselfishlyEnglandhaswroughtfortheopendoorforall！AndhowpiouslyAmericahaswroughtforthatopendoorinallcaseswhereitwasnotherown！
　　Yes,asamissionaryI'vesungmysongsofpraise。AndyetIthinkthatEnglandsinnedwhenshegotherselfintoawarinSouthAfricawhichshecouldhaveavoided,justaswesinnedingettingintoasimilarwarinthePhilippines。Mr。Churchill,byhisfather,isanEnglishman;byhismotherheisanAmerican—nodoubtablendthatmakestheperfectman。EnglandandAmerica;yes,wearekin。Andnowthatwearealsokininsin,thereisnothingmoretobedesired。
　　Theharmonyiscomplete,theblendisperfect。
　　THEORETICALANDPRACTICALMORALS。
　　TheNewVagabondsClubofLondon,madeupoftheleadingyoungerliterarymenoftheday,gaveadinnerinhonorofMr。andMrs。
　　Clemens,July8,1899。
　　IThasalwaysbeendifficult—leavethatworddifficult—notexceedinglydifficult,butjustdifficult,nothingmorethanthat,nottheslightestshadetoaddtothat—justdifficult—torespondproperly,intherightphraseology,whencomplimentsarepaidtome;
　　butitismorethandifficultwhenthecomplimentsarepaidtoabetterthanI—mywife。
　　AndwhileIamnotheretotestifyagainstmyself—Ican'tbeexpectedtodoso,aprisonerinyourowncountryisnotadmittedtodoso—astowhichmemberofthefamilywrotemybooks,IcouldsayingeneralthatreallyIwrotethebooksmyself。Mywifeputsthefactsin,andtheymakeitrespectable。Mymodestywon'tsufferwhilecomplimentsarebeingpaidtoliterature,andthroughliteraturetomyfamily。Ican'tgetenoughofthem。
　　Iamcuriouslysituatedto—night。ItsorarelyhappensthatIamintroducedbyahumorist;Iamgenerallyintroducedbyapersonofgravewalkandcarriage。Thatmakestheproperbackgroundofgravityforbrightness。Iamgoingtoaltertosuit,andhaplyImaysaysomehumorousthings。
　　Whenyoustartwithablazeofsunshineandupburstofhumor,whenyoubeginwiththat,theproperofficeofhumoristoreflect,toputyouintothatpensivemoodofdeepthought,tomakeyouthinkofyoursins,ifyouwishhalfanhourtofly。Humormakesmereflectnowto—night,itsetsthethinkingmachineryinmotion。Always,whenI
　　amthinking,therecomesuggestionsofwhatIam,andwhatweallare,andwhatwearecomingto。AsermoncomesfrommylipsalwayswhenI
　　listentoahumorousspeech。
　　Iseizetheopportunitytothrowawayfrivolities,tosaysomethingtoplanttheseed,andmakeallbetterthanwhenIcame。
　　InMr。Grossmith'sremarkstherewasasubtlesomethingsuggestingmyfavoritetheoryofthedifferencebetweentheoreticalmoralsandpracticalmorals。Itrytoinstilpracticalmoralsintheplaceoftheatrical—Imeantheoretical;butasanaddendum—anannex—
　　somethingaddedtotheoreticalmorals。
　　Whenyourchairmansaiditwasthefirsttimehehadevertakenthechair,hedidnotmeanthathehadnottakenlotsofotherthings;
　　heattendedmyfirstlectureandtooknotes。Thisindicatedtheman'sdisposition。Therewasnothingelseflyinground,sohetooknotes;hewouldhavetakenanythinghecouldget。
　　Icanbringamoraltobearherewhichshowsthedifferencebetweentheoreticalmoralsandpracticalmorals。Theoreticalmoralsarethesortyougetonyourmother'sknee,ingoodbooks,andfromthepulpit。Yougathertheminyourhead,andnotinyourheart;
　　theyaretheorywithoutpractice。Withouttheassistanceofpracticetoperfectthem,itisdifficulttoteachachildto"behonest,don'tsteal。"
　　Iwillteachyouhowitshouldbedone,leadyouintotemptation,teachyouhowtosteal,sothatyoumayrecognizewhenyouhavestolenandfeeltheproperpangs。Itisnogoodgoingroundandbraggingyouhavenevertakenthechair。
　　Asbythefiresofexperience,sobycommissionofcrime,youlearnrealmorals。Commitallthecrimes,familiarizeyourselfwithallsins,taketheminrotation（thereareonlytwoorthreethousandofthem）,sticktoit,committwoorthreeeveryday,andby—and—byyouwillbeproofagainstthem。Whenyouarethroughyouwillbeproofagainstallsinsandmorallyperfect。Youwillbevaccinatedagainsteverypossiblecommissionofthem。Thisistheonlyway。
　　IwillreadyouawrittenstatementuponthesubjectthatIwrotethreeyearsagotoreadtotheSabbath—schools。[Herethelecturerturnedhispocketsout,butwithoutsuccess。]No！Ihaveleftitathome。Still,itwasamerestatementoffact,illustratingthevalueofpracticalmoralsproducedbythecommissionofcrime。
　　Itwasinmyboyhood—justastatementoffact,readingisonlymoreformal,merelyfacts,merelypatheticfacts,whichIcanstatesoastobeunderstood。ItrelatestothefirsttimeIeverstoleawatermelon;thatis,Ithinkitwasthefirsttime;anyway,itwasrightalongtheresomewhere。
　　Istoleitoutofafarmer'swagonwhilehewaswaitingonanothercustomer。"Stole"isaharshterm。Iwithdrew—Iretiredthatwatermelon。Icarriedittoasecludedcornerofalumber—yard。I
　　brokeitopen。Itwasgreen—thegreenestwatermelonraisedinthevalleythatyear。