Iwouldstartinatoncetoelevate,purify,anddepopulatethered—lightdistrict。Iwouldassignthemostsoulfulpoetstothatdistrict,allheavilyarmedwiththeirpoems。TakeChaunceyDepewasasample。Iwouldstationthemonthecornersaftertheyhadroundedupallthedepravedpeopleofthedistrictsotheycouldnotescape,andthenhavethemreadfromtheirpoemstothepoorunfortunates。Theplanwouldbeveryeffectiveincausinganemigrationofthedepravedelement。
　　PUDD'NHEADWILSONDRAMATIZED。
　　WhenMr。ClemensarrivedfromEuropein1895oneofthefirstthingshedidwastoseethedramatizationofPudd'nheadWilson。TheaudiencebecomingawareofthefactthatMr。Clemenswasinthehousecalleduponhimforaspeech。
　　NEVERinmylifehaveIbeenabletomakeaspeechwithoutpreparation,andIassureyouthatthispositioninwhichIfindmyselfisonetotallyunexpected。
　　IhavebeenhemmedinalldaybyWilliamDeanHowellsandotherfrivolouspersons,andIhavebeentalkingabouteverythingintheworldexceptthatofwhichspeechesareconstructed。Then,too,sevendaysonthewaterisnotconducivetospeech—making。IwillonlysaythatIcongratulateMr。Mayhew;hehascertainlymadeadelightfulplayoutofmyrubbish。Hisisacharminggift。ConfidentiallyI
　　havealwayshadanideathatIwaswellequippedtowriteplays,butI
　　haveneverencounteredamanagerwhohasagreedwithme。
　　DALYTHEATRE。
　　ADDRESSATADINNERAFTERTHEONEHUNDREDTH
　　PERFORMANCEOF"THETAMINGOFTHESHREW。"
　　Mr。Clemensmadethefollowingspeech,whichheincorporatedafterwardinFollowingtheEquator。
　　IAMgladtobehere。ThisisthehardesttheatreinNewYorktogetinto,evenatthefrontdoor。Inevergotinwithouthardwork。Iamgladwehavegotsofarinatlast。TwoorthreeyearsagoIhadanappointmenttomeetMr。Dalyonthestageofthistheatreateighto'clockintheevening。Well,IgotonatrainatHartfordtocometoNewYorkandkeeptheappointment。AllIhadtodowastocometothebackdoorofthetheatreonSixthAvenue。Ididnotbelievethat;IdidnotbelieveitcouldbeonSixthAvenue,butthatiswhatDaly'snotesaid—cometothatdoor,walkrightin,andkeeptheappointment。Itlookedveryeasy。Itlookedeasyenough,butIhadnotmuchconfidenceintheSixthAvenuedoor。
　　Well,Iwaskindofboredonthetrain,andIboughtsomenewspapers—NewHavennewspapers—andtherewasnotmuchnewsinthem,soIreadtheadvertisements。Therewasoneadvertisementofabench—show。Ihadheardofbench—shows,andIoftenwonderedwhattherewasaboutthemtointerestpeople。Ihadseenbench—shows—
　　lecturedtobench—shows,infact—butIdidn'twanttoadvertisethemortobragaboutthem。Well,Ireadonalittle,andlearnedthatabench—showwasnotabench—show—butdogs,notbenchesatall—
　　onlydogs。Ibegantobeinterested,andastherewasnothingelsetodoIreadeverybitoftheadvertisement,andlearnedthatthebiggestthinginthisshowwasaSt。Bernarddogthatweighedonehundredandforty—fivepounds。BeforeIgottoNewYorkIwassointerestedinthebench—showsthatImadeupmymindtogotoonethefirstchanceIgot。DownonSixthAvenue,nearwherethatbackdoormightbe,Ibegantotakethingsleisurely。Ididnotliketobeintoomuchofahurry。Therewasnotanythinginsightthatlookedlikeabackdoor。Thenearestapproachtoitwasacigarstore。SoI
　　wentinandboughtacigar,nottooexpensive,butitcostenoughtopayforanyinformationImightgetandleavethedealerafairprofit。Well,Ididnotliketobetooabrupt,tomakethemanthinkmecrazy,byaskinghimifthatwasthewaytoDaly'sTheatre,soI
　　startedgraduallytoleaduptothesubject,askinghimfirstifthatwasthewaytoCastleGarden。WhenIgottotherealquestion,andhesaidhewouldshowmetheway,Iwasastonished。Hesentmethroughalonghallway,andIfoundmyselfinabackyard。ThenIwentthroughalongpassagewayandintoalittleroom,andtherebeforemyeyeswasabigSt。Bernarddoglyingonabench。TherewasanotherdoorbeyondandIwentthere,andwasmetbyabig,fiercemanwithafurcaponandcoatoff,whoremarked,"Phwatdoyezwant？"I
　　toldhimIwantedtoseeMr。Daly。"Yezcan'tseeMr。Dalythistimeofnight,"heresponded。IurgedthatIhadanappointmentwithMr。
　　Daly,andgavehimmycard,whichdidnotseemtoimpresshimmuch。
　　"Yezcan'tgetinandyezcan'tshmokehere。Throwawaythatcigar。IfyezwanttoseeMr。Daly,yez'llhavetobeaftergoingtothefrontdoorandbuyaticket,andthenifyezhaveluckandhe'saroundthatwayyezmayseehim。"Iwasgettingdiscouraged,butIhadoneresourceleftthathadbeenofgoodserviceinsimilaremergencies。
　　FirmlybutkindlyItoldhimmynamewasMarkTwain,andIawaitedresults。Therewasnone。Hewasnotfazedabit。"Phwere'syourordertoseeMr。Daly？"heasked。Ihandedhimthenote,andheexamineditintently。"Myfriend,"Iremarked,"youcanreadthatbetterifyouholdittheothersideup。"Buthetooknonoticeofthesuggestion,andfinallyasked:"Where'sMr。Daly'sname？""Thereitis,"Itoldhim,"onthetopofthepage。""That'sallright,"hesaid,"that'swherehealwaysputsit;butIdon'tseethe'W'inhisname,"andheeyedmedistrustfully。Finallyheasked,"PhwatdoyezwanttoseeMr。Dalyfor？""Business。""Business？""Yes。"Itwasmyonlyhope。"Pwhatkind—theatres？"Thatwastoomuch。"No。""Whatkindofshows,then？""Bench—shows。"Itwasrisky,butIwasdesperate。"Bench—shows,isit—where？"Thebigman'sfacechanged,andhebegantolookinterested。"NewHaven。""NewHaven,itis？Ah,that'sgoingtobeafineshow。I'mgladtoseeyou。Didyouseeabigdogintheotherroom？""Yes。""Howmuchdoyouthinkthatdogweighs？""Onehundredandforty—fivepounds。""Lookatthat,now！He'sagoodjudgeofdogs,andnomistake。Heweighsallofonehundredandthirty—eight。Sitdownandshmoke—goonandshmokeyourcigar,I'lltellMr。Dalyyouarehere。"InafewminutesIwasonthestageshakinghandswithMr。Daly,andthebigmanstandingaroundglowingwithsatisfaction。"Comearoundinfront,"saidMr。Daly,"andseetheperformance。Iwillputyouintomyownbox。"AndasImovedawayI
　　heardmyhonestfriendmutter,"Well,hedesarvesit。"
　　THEDRESSOFCIVILIZEDWOMAN。
　　ALARGEpartofthedaughterofcivilizationisherdress—asitshouldbe。Somecivilizedwomenwouldlosehalftheircharmwithoutdress,andsomewouldloseallofit。Thedaughterofmoderncivilizationdressedatherutmostbestisamarvelofexquisiteandbeautifulartandexpense。Allthelands,alltheclimes,andalltheartsarelaidundertributetofurnishherforth。HerlinenisfromBelfast,herrobeisfromParis,herlaceisfromVenice,orSpain,orFrance,herfeathersarefromtheremoteregionsofSouthernAfrica,herfursfromtheremoterregionoftheicebergandtheaurora,herfanfromJapan,herdiamondsfromBrazil,herbraceletsfromCalifornia,herpearlsfromCeylon,hercameosfromRome。ShehasgemsandtrinketsfromburiedPompeii,andothersthatgracedcomelyEgyptianformsthathavebeendustandashesnowforfortycenturies。HerwatchisfromGeneva,hercard—caseisfromChina,herhairisfrom—from—Idon'tknowwhereherhairisfrom;Inevercouldfindout;thatis,herotherhair—herpublichair,herSundayhair;Idon'tmeanthehairshegoestobedwith……
　　Andthatremindsmeofatrifle。AnytimeyouwanttoyoucanglancearoundthecarpetofaPullmancar,andgoandpickupahair—pin;butnottosaveyourlifecanyougetanywomaninthatcartoacknowledgethathair—pin。Now,isn'tthatstrange？Butit'strue。Thewomanwhohasneverswervedfromcast—ironveracityandfidelityinherwholelifewill,whenconfrontedwiththiscrucialtest,denyherhair—pin。Shewilldenythathair—pinbeforeahundredwitnesses。I
　　havestupidlygotintomoretroubleandmorehotwatertryingtohuntuptheownerofahair—pininaPullmanthanbyanyotherindiscretionofmylife。
　　DRESSREFORMANDCOPYRIGHT。
　　Whenthepresentcopyrightlawwasunderdiscussion,Mr。Clemensappearedbeforethecommittee。HehadsentSpeakerCannonthefollowingletter:
　　"DEARUNCLEJOSEPH,—PleasegetmethethanksofCongress,notnextweekbutrightaway。Itisverynecessary。Doaccomplishthisforyouraffectionateoldfriendrightaway—bypersuasionifyoucan,byviolenceifyoumust,foritisimperativelynecessarythatIgetontheflooroftheHousefortwoorthreehoursandtalktothemembers,manbyman,inbehalfofsupport,encouragement,andprotectionofoneofthenation'smostvaluableassetsandindustries—
　　itsliterature。Ihaveargumentswithme—alsoabarrelwithliquidinit。
　　"Givemeachance。GetmethethanksofCongress。Don'twaitforothers—thereisn'ttime;furnishthemtomeyourselfandletCongressratifylater。IhavestayedawayandletCongressaloneforseventy—oneyearsandamentitledtothethanks。Congressknowsthisperfectlywell,andIhavelongfelthurtthatthisquiteproperandearnedexpressionofgratitudehasbeenmerelyfeltbytheHouseandneverpubliclyuttered。
　　"Sendmeanorderonthesergeant—at—armsquick。WhenshallIcome？
　　"Withloveandabenediction,"MARKTWAIN。"
　　Whilewaitingtoappearbeforethecommittee,Mr。Clemenstalkedtothereporters:
　　WHYdon'tyouaskwhyIamwearingsuchapparentlyunseasonableclothes？I'lltellyou。Ihavefoundthatwhenamanreachestheadvancedageofseventy—oneyears,asIhave,thecontinualsightofdarkclothingislikelytohaveadepressingeffectuponhim。
　　Light—coloredclothingismorepleasingtotheeyeandenlivensthespirit。Now,ofcourse,Icannotcompeleveryonetowearsuchclothingjustformyespecialbenefit,soIdothenextbestthingandwearitmyself。
　　Ofcourse,beforeamanreachesmyyearsthefearofcriticismmightpreventhimfromindulginghisfancy。Iamnotafraidofthat。Iamdecidedlyforpleasingcolorcombinationsindress。Iliketoseethewomen'sclothes,say,attheopera。Whatcanbemoredepressingthanthesombreblackwhichcustomrequiresmentowearuponstateoccasions？Agroupofmenineveningclotheslookslikeaflockofcrows,andisjustaboutasinspiring。
　　Afterall,whatisthepurposeofclothing？Arenotclothesintendedprimarilytopreservedignityandalsotoaffordcomforttotheirwearer？NowIknowofnothingmoreuncomfortablethanthepresent—dayclothesofmen。Thefinestclothingmadeisaperson'sownskin,but,ofcourse,societydemandssomethingmorethanthis。
　　Thebest—dressedmanIhaveeverseen,however,wasanativeoftheSandwichIslandswhoattractedmyattentionthirtyyearsago。Now,whenthatmanwantedtodonespecialdresstohonorapublicoccasionoraholiday,why,heoccasionallyputonapairofspectacles。OtherwisetheclothingwithwhichGodhadprovidedhimsufficed。
　　Ofcourse,Ihaveideasofdressreform。Foronething,whynotadoptsomeofthewomen'sstyles？Goodnessknows,theyadoptenoughofours。Takethepeek—a—boowaist,forinstance。Ithastheobviousadvantagesofbeingcoolandcomfortable,andinadditionitisalmostalwaysmadeupinpleasingcolorswhichcheeranddonotdepress。
　　ItistruethatIdressedtheConnecticutYankeeatKingArthur'sCourtinaplug—hat,but,let'ssee,thatwastwenty—fiveyearsago。
　　Thennomanwasconsideredfullydresseduntilhedonnedaplug—hat。
　　NowadaysIthinkthatnomanisdresseduntilheleavesithome。
　　Why,whenIlefthomeyesterdaytheytrottedoutaplug—hatformetowear。
　　"Youmustwearit,"theytoldme;"why,justthinkofgoingtoWashingtonwithoutaplug—hat！"ButIsaidno;Iwouldwearaderbyornothing。Why,IbelieveIcouldwalkalongthestreetsofNewYork—
　　Ineverdo—butstillIthinkIcould—andIshouldneverseeawell—dressedmanwearingaplug—hat。IfIdidIshouldsuspecthimofsomething。Idon'tknowjustwhat,butIwouldsuspecthim。
　　Why,whenIgotuponthesecondstoryofthatPennsylvaniaferry—boatcomingdownhereyesterdayIsawHowellscomingalong。Hewastheonlymanontheboatwithaplug—hat,andItellyouhefeltashamedofhimself。Hesaidhehadbeenpersuadedtowearitagainsthisbettersense。Butjustthinkofamannearlyseventyyearsoldwhohasnotamindofhisownonsuchmatters！
　　"Areyoudoinganyworknow？"theyoungestandmostseriousreporterasked。
　　Work？Iretiredfromworkonmyseventiethbirthday。SincethenI
　　havebeenputtinginmerelytwenty—sixhoursadaydictatingmyautobiography,which,asJohnPhoenixsaidinregardtohisautograph,mayberelieduponasauthentic,asitiswrittenexclusivelybyme。
　　ButitisnottobepublishedinfulluntilIamthoroughlydead。I
　　havemadeitascaustic,fiendish,anddevilishaspossible。Itwillfillmanyvolumes,andIshallcontinuewritingituntilthetimecomesformetojointheangels。Itisgoingtobeaterribleautobiography。Itwillmakethehairofsomefolkscurl。ButitcannotbepublisheduntilIamdead,andthepersonsmentionedinitandtheirchildrenandgrand—childrenaredead。Itissomethingawful！
　　"Canyoutellusthenamesofsomeofthenotablesthatareheretoseeyouoff？"
　　Idon'tknow。Iamsoshy。Myshynesstakesapeculiarphase。I
　　neverlookapersonintheface。ThereasonisthatIamafraidtheymayknowmeandthatImaynotknowthem,whichmakesitveryembarrassingforbothofus。Ialwayswaitfortheotherpersontospeak。Iknowlotsofpeople,butIdon'tknowwhotheyare。Itisallamatterofabilitytoobservethings。Ineverobserveanythingnow。I
　　gaveupthehabityearsago。Youshouldkeepahabitupifyouwanttobecomeproficientinit。Forinstance,Iwasapilotonce,butI
　　gaveitup,andIdonotbelievethecaptainoftheMinneapoliswouldletmenavigatehisshiptoLondon。Still,ifIthinkthatheisnotonthejobImaygouponthebridgeandofferhimafewsuggestions。
　　COLLEGEGIRLS。
　　Fivehundredundergraduates,undertheauspicesoftheWoman'sUniversityClub,NewYork,welcomedMr。Clemensastheirguest,April3,1906,andgavehimthefreedomoftheclub,whichthechairmanexplainedwasfreedomtotalkindividuallytoanygirlpresent。
　　I'VEworkedforthepublicgoodthirtyyears,sofortherestofmylifeIshallworkformypersonalcontentment。IamgladMissNeronhasfedme,forthereisnotellingwhatiniquityImightwanderintoonanemptystomach—Imean,anemptymind。
　　IamgoingtotellyouapracticalstoryabouthowonceuponatimeIwasblind—astoryIshouldhavebeenusingallthesemonths,butIneverthoughtabouttellingituntiltheothernight,andnowitistoolate,foronthenineteenthofthismonthIhopetotakeformalleaveoftheplatformforeveratCarnegieHall—thatis,takeleavesofarastalkingformoneyandforpeoplewhohavepaidmoneytohearmetalk。Ishallcontinuetoinfesttheplatformontheseconditions—
　　thatthereisnobodyinthehousewhohaspaidtohearme,thatIamnotpaidtobeheard,andthattherewillbenonebutyoungwomenstudentsintheaudience。[HereMr。Clemenstoldthestoryofhowhetookagirltothetheatrewhilehewaswearingtightboots,whichappearselsewhereinthisvolume,andendedbysaying:"Andnowletthisbealessontoyou—Idon'tknowwhatkindofalesson;I'llletyouthinkitout。"]
　　GIRLS。
　　INmycapacityofpublisherIrecentlyreceivedamanuscriptfromateacherwhichembodiedanumberofanswersgivenbyherpupilstoquestionspropounded。Theseanswersshowthatthechildrenhadnothingbutthesoundtogoby—thesensewasperfectlyempty。Herearesomeoftheiranswerstowordstheywereaskedtodefine:Auriferous—
　　pertainingtoanorifice;ammonia—thefoodofthegods;equestrian—
　　onewhoasksquestions;parasite—akindofumbrella;ipecac—amanwholikesagooddinner。Andhereisthedefinitionofanancientwordhonoredbyagreatparty:Republican—asinnermentionedintheBible。
　　Andhereisaninnocentdeliveranceofazoologicalkind:"Thereareagoodmanydonkeysinthetheologicalgardens。"Herealsoisadefinitionwhichreallyisn'tverybadinitsway:Demagogue—avesselcontainingbeerandotherliquids。Here,too,isasampleofaboy'scompositionongirls,which,Imustsay,Iratherlike:
　　"Girlsareverystuckupanddignifiedintheirmannerandbehaveyour。Theythinkmoreofdressthananythingandliketoplaywithdowlsandrags。Theycryiftheyseeacowinafardistanceandareafraidofguns。TheystayathomeallthetimeandgotochurcheverySunday。Theyareal—wayssick。Theyareal—waysfunyandmakingfunofboyshandsandtheysayhowdirty。Theycantplaymarbles。Ipitythempoorthings。Theymakefunofboysandthenturnroundandlovethem。Idon'tbelavetheyeverkilledacatoranything。Theylookouteveryniteandsay,'Oh,a'ntthemoonlovely！'ThirisonethingIhavenottoldandthatistheyal—waysnowtheirlessonsbetternboys。"
　　THELADIES。
　　DELIVEREDATTHEANNIVERSARYFESTIVAL,1872,OFTHESCOTTISHCORPORATIONOFLONDON
　　Mr。Clemensrepliedtothetoast"TheLadies。"
　　IAMproud,indeed,ofthedistinctionofbeingchosentorespondtothisespecialtoast,to"TheLadies,"ortowomenifyouplease,forthatisthepreferableterm,perhaps;itiscertainlytheolder,andthereforethemoreentitledtoreverence。IhavenoticedthattheBible,withthatplain,blunthonestywhichissuchaconspicuouscharacteristicoftheScriptures,isalwaysparticulartoneverrefertoeventheillustriousmotherofallmankindasa"lady,"butspeaksofherasawoman。Itisodd,butyouwillfinditisso。I
　　ampeculiarlyproudofthishonor,becauseIthinkthatthetoasttowomenisonewhich,byrightandbyeveryruleofgallantry,shouldtakeprecedenceofallothers—ofthearmy,ofthenavy,ofevenroyaltyitself—perhaps,thoughthelatterisnotnecessaryinthisdayandinthisland,forthereasonthat,tacitly,youdodrinkabroadgeneralhealthtoallgoodwomenwhenyoudrinkthehealthoftheQueenofEnglandandthePrincessofWales。Ihaveinmindapoemjustnowwhichisfamiliartoyouall,familiartoeverybody。Andwhataninspirationthatwas,andhowinstantlythepresenttoastrecallstheversestoallourmindswhenthemostnoble,themostgracious,thepurest,andsweetestofallpoetssays:
　　"Woman！Owoman！—er—
　　Wom—"
　　However,yourememberthelines;andyourememberhowfeelingly,howdaintily,howalmostimperceptiblytheversesraiseupbeforeyou,featurebyfeature,theidealofatrueandperfectwoman;andhow,asyoucontemplatethefinishedmarvel,yourhomagegrowsintoworshipoftheintellectthatcouldcreatesofairathingoutofmerebreath,merewords。Andyoucalltomindnow,asIspeak,howthepoet,withsternfidelitytothehistoryofallhumanity,deliversthisbeautifulchildofhisheartandhisbrainovertothetrialsandsorrowsthatmustcometoall,soonerorlater,thatabideintheearth,andhowthepatheticstoryculminatesinthatapostrophe—sowild,soregretful,sofullofmournfulretrospection。Thelinesrunthus:
　　"Alas！—alas！—a—alas！
　　——Alas！————alas！"
　　—andsoon。Idonotremembertherest;but,takentogether,itseemstomethatpoemisthenoblesttributetowomanthathumangeniushaseverbroughtforth—andIfeelthatifIweretotalkhoursI
　　couldnotdomygreatthemecompleterormoregracefuljusticethanIhavenowdoneinsimplyquotingthatpoet'smatchlesswords。Thephasesofthewomanlynatureareinfiniteintheirvariety。Takeanytypeofwoman,andyoushallfindinitsomethingtorespect,somethingtoadmire,somethingtolove。Andyoushallfindthewholejoiningyouheartandhand。WhowasmorepatrioticthanJoanofArc？
　　Whowasbraver？Whohasgivenusagranderinstanceofself—sacrificingdevotion？Ah！youremember,yourememberwell,whatathrobofpain,whatagreattidalwaveofgriefsweptoverusallwhenJoanofArcfellatWaterloo。WhodoesnotsorrowforthelossofSappho,thesweet。singerofIsrael？Whoamongusdoesnotmissthegentleministrations,thesofteninginfluences,thehumblepietyofLucretiaBorgia？WhocanjoinintheheartlesslibelthatsayswomanisextravagantindresswhenhecanlookbackandcalltomindoursimpleandlowlymotherEvearrayedinhermodificationoftheHighlandcostume？Sir,womenhavebeensoldiers,womenhavebeenpainters,womenhavebeenpoets。AslongaslanguagelivesthenameofCleopatrawilllive。AndnotbecausesheconqueredGeorgeIII。—butbecauseshewrotethosedivinelines:
　　"Letdogsdelighttobarkandbite,ForGodhathmadethemso。"
　　Thestoryoftheworldisadornedwiththenamesofillustriousonesofourownsex—someofthemsonsofSt。Andrew,too—Scott,Bruce,Burns,thewarriorWallace,BenNevis—thegiftedBenLomond,andthegreatnewScotchman,BenDisraeli。*Outofthegreatplainsofhistorytowerwholemountainrangesofsublimewomen—theQueenofSheba,Josephine,Semiramis,SaireyGamp;thelistisendless—butI
　　willnotcallthemightyroll,thenamesriseupinyourownmemoriesatthemeresuggestion,luminouswiththegloryofdeedsthatcannotdie,hallowedbythelovingworshipofthegoodandthetrueofallepochsandallclimes。SufficeitforourprideandourhonorthatweinourdayhaveaddedtoitsuchnamesasthoseofGraceDarlingandFlorenceNightingale。Womanisallthatsheshouldbe—gentle,patient,long—suffering,trustful,unselfish,fullofgenerousimpulses。Itisherblessedmissiontocomfortthesorrowing,pleadfortheerring,encouragethefaintofpurpose,succorthedistressed,upliftthefallen,befriendthefriendless—inaword,affordthehealingofhersympathiesandahomeinherheartforallthebruisedandpersecutedchildrenofmisfortunethatknockatitshospitabledoor。AndwhenIsay,Godblessher,thereisnoneamonguswhohasknowntheennoblingaffectionofawife,orthesteadfastdevotionofamotherbutinhisheartwillsay,Amen！
　　*Mr。BenjaminDisraeli,atthattimePrimeMinisterofEngland,hadjustbeenelectedLordRectorofGlasgowUniversity,andhadmadeaspeechwhichgaverisetoaworldofdiscussion。
　　WOMAN'SPRESSCLUB。
　　OnOctober27,1900,theNewYorkWoman'sPressClubgaveateainCarnegieHall。Mr。Clemenswastheguestofhonor。
　　IFIwereaskedanopinionIwouldcallthisanungrammaticalnation。Thereisnosuchthingasperfectgrammar,andIdon'talwaysspeakgoodgrammarmyself。ButIhavebeenforegatheringforthepastfewdayswithprofessorsofAmericanuniversities,andI'veheardthemallsaythingslikethis:"Hedon'tliketodoit。"
　　[Therewasastir。]Oh,you'llhearthatto—nightifyoulisten,or,"Hewouldhavelikedtohavedoneit。"You'llcatchsomeeducatedAmericanssayingthat。Whenthesementakepeninhandtheywritewithasgoodgrammarasany。Butthemomenttheythrowthepenasidetheythrowgrammaticalmoralsasidewithit。
　　Toillustratethedesirabilityandpossibilityofconcentration,I
　　musttellyouastoryofmylittlesix—year—olddaughter。Thegovernesshadbeenteachingheraboutthereindeer,and,asthecustomwas,sherelatedittothefamily。Shereducedthehistoryofthatreindeertotwoorthreesentenceswhenthegovernesscouldnothaveputitintoapage。Shesaid:"Thereindeerisaveryswiftanimal。
　　Areindeeroncedrewasledfourhundredmilesintwohours。"Sheappendedthecomment:"Thiswasregardedasextraordinary。"Andconcluded:"Whenthatreindeerwasdonedrawingthatsledfourhundredmilesintwohoursitdied。"
　　Asafinalinstanceoftheforceoflimitationsinthedevelopmentofconcentration,Imustmentionthatbeautifulcreature,HelenKeller,whomIhaveknownforthesemanyyears。Iamfilledwiththewonderofherknowledge,acquiredbecauseshutoutfromalldistraction。IfIcouldhavebeendeaf,dumb,andblindIalsomighthavearrivedatsomething。
　　VOTESFORWOMEN。
　　ATTHEANNUALMEETINGOFTHEHEBREWTECHNICAL
　　SCHOOLFORGIRLS,HELDINTHETEMPLE
　　EMMANUEL,JANUARY20,1901
　　Mr。ClemenswasintroducedbyPresidentMeyer,whosaid:"InoneofMr。Clemens'sworksheexpressedhisopinionofmen,sayinghehadnochoicebetweenHebrewandGentile,blackmenorwhite;tohimallmenwerealike。ButInevercouldfindthatheexpressedhisopinionofwomen;perhapsthatopinionwassoexaltedthathecouldnotexpressit。Weshallnowbecalledtohearwhathethinksofwomen。"
　　LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—ItisasmallhelpthatIcanafford,butitisjustsuchhelpthatonecangiveascomingfromtheheartthroughthemouth。ThereportofMr。Meyerwasadmirable,andIwasasinterestedinitasyouhavebeen。Why,I'mtwiceasoldashe,andI'vehadsomuchexperiencethatIwouldsaytohim,whenhemakeshisappealforhelp:"Don'tmakeitforto—dayorto—morrow,butcollectthemoneyonthespot。"
　　Weareallcreaturesofsuddenimpulse。Wemustbeworkedupbysteam,asitwere。Getthemtowritetheirwillsnow,oritmaybetoolateby—and—by。FifteenortwentyyearsagoIhadanexperienceI
　　shallneverforget。Igotintoachurchwhichwascrowdedbyaswelteringandpantingmultitude。Thecitymissionaryofourtown—
　　Hartford—madeatellingappealforhelp。Hetoldofpersonalexperiencesamongthepoorincellarsandtoploftsrequiringinstancesofdevotionandhelp。Thepoorarealwaysgoodtothepoor。Whenapersonwithhismillionsgivesahundredthousanddollarsitmakesagreatnoiseintheworld,buthedoesnotmissit;it'sthewidow'smitethatmakesnonoisebutdoesthebestwork。
　　IrememberonthatoccasionintheHartfordchurchthecollectionwasbeingtakenup。TheappealhadsostirredmethatIcouldhardlywaitforthehatorplatetocomemyway。Ihadfourhundreddollarsinmypocket,andIwasanxioustodropitintheplateandwantedtoborrowmore。Buttheplatewassolongincomingmywaythatthefever—heatofbeneficencewasgoingdownlowerandlower—goingdownattherateofahundreddollarsaminute。Theplatewaspassedtoolate。Whenitfinallycametome,myenthusiasmhadgonedownsomuchthatIkeptmyfourhundreddollars—andstoleadimefromtheplate。So,yousee,timesometimesleadstocrime。
　　Oh,manyatimehaveIthoughtofthatandregrettedit,andI
　　adjureyoualltogivewhilethefeverisonyou。
　　Referringtowoman'ssphereinlife,I'llsaythatwomanisalwaysright。Fortwenty—fiveyearsI'vebeenawoman'srightsman。Ihavealwaysbelieved,longbeforemymotherdied,that,withhergrayhairsandadmirableintellect,perhapssheknewasmuchasIdid。PerhapssheknewasmuchaboutvotingasI。
　　Ishouldliketoseethetimecomewhenwomenshallhelptomakethelaws。Ishouldliketoseethatwhip—lash,theballot,inthehandsofwomen。Asforthiscity'sgovernment,Idon'twanttosaymuch,exceptthatitisashame—ashame;butifIshouldlivetwenty—fiveyearslonger—andthereisnoreasonwhyIshouldn't—IthinkI'llseewomenhandletheballot。Ifwomenhadtheballotto—day,thestateofthingsinthistownwouldnotexist。
　　Ifallthewomeninthistownhadavoteto—daytheywouldelectamayoratthenextelection,andtheywouldriseintheirmightandchangetheawfulstateofthingsnowexistinghere。
　　WOMAN—ANOPINION。
　　ADDRESSATANEARLYBANQUETOFTHE
　　WASHINGTONCORRESPONDENTS'CLUB。
　　Thetwelfthtoastwasasfollows:"Woman—Theprideofanyprofession,andthejewelofours。"
　　MR。PRESIDENT,—IdonotknowwhyIshouldbesingledouttoreceivethegreatestdistinctionoftheevening—forsotheofficeofreplyingtothetoastofwomanhasbeenregardedineveryage。IdonotknowwhyIhavereceivedthisdistinction,unlessitbethatIamatriflelesshomelythantheothermembersoftheclub。Butbethisasitmay,Mr。President,Iamproudoftheposition,andyoucouldnothavechosenanyonewhowouldhaveaccepteditmoregladly,orlaboredwithaheartiergood—willtodothesubjectjusticethanI—
　　because,sir,Ilovethesex。Iloveallthewomen,irrespectiveofageorcolor。
　　Humanintellectcannotestimatewhatweowetowoman,sir。Shesewsonourbuttons;shemendsourclothes;sheropesusinatthechurchfairs;sheconfidesinusshetellsuswhatevershecanfindoutaboutthelittleprivateaffairsoftheneighbors;shegivesusgoodadvice,andplentyofit;shesoothesourachingbrows;shebearsourchildren—oursasageneralthing。Inallrelationsoflife,sir,itisbutajustandgracefultributetowomantosayofherthatsheisabrick。
　　Wheresoeveryouplacewoman,sir—inwhateverpositionorestate—
　　sheisanornamenttotheplacesheoccupies,andatreasuretotheworld。[HereMr。Clemenspaused,lookedinquiringlyathishearers,andremarkedthattheapplauseshouldcomeinatthispoint。Itcamein。Heresumedhiseulogy。]LookatCleopatra！—lookatDesdemona！—
　　lookatFlorenceNightingale！—lookatJoanofArc！—lookatLucretiaBorgia！[Disapprobationexpressed。]Well[saidMr。Clemens,scratchinghishead,doubtfully],supposeweletLucretiaslide。
　　LookatJoyceHeth！—LookatMotherEve！Youneednotlookatherunlessyouwantto,but[saidMr。Clemens,reflectively,afterapause]Evewasornamental,sir—particularlybeforethefashionschanged。Irepeat,sir,lookattheillustriousnamesofhistory。LookattheWidowMachree！—LookatLucyStone！—lookatElizabethCadyStanton！—LookatGeorgeFrancisTrain！And,sir,Isayitwithbowedheadanddeepestveneration—lookatthemotherofWashington！