Ibeseechyou,frommeyourselfcounseltolet,executethesementionedreforms。Thenwillyouanelegantlanguagepossess,andafterward,whenyousomethingsaywill,willyouatleastyourselfunderstandwhatyousaidhad。Butoftennowadays,whenyouamile—longsentencefromyougivenandyouyourselfsomewhathaverested,thenmustyouhaveatouchinginquisitivenesshaveyourselftodeterminewhatyouactuallyspokenhave。Beforeseveraldayshasthecorrespondentofalocalpaperasentenceconstructedwhichhundredandtwelvewordscontain,andthereinweresevenparenthesessmuggledin,andthesubjectseventimeschanged。Thinkyouonly,mygentlemen,inthecourseofthevoyageofasinglesentencemustthepoor,persecuted,fatiguedsubjectseventimeschangeposition！
　　Now,whenwethementionedreformsexecute,willitnolongersobadbe。Dochnocheins。Imightgladlytheseparableverbalsoalittlebitreform。ImightnonedoletwhatSchillerdid:hehasthewholehistoryoftheThirtyYears'Warbetweenthetwomembersofaseparableverbin—pushed。ThathasevenGermanyitselfaroused,andonehasSchillerthepermissionrefusedtheHistoryoftheHundredYears'Wartocompose—Godbeitthanked！Afterallthesereformsestablishedbewill,willtheGermanlanguagethenoblestandtheprettiestontheworldbe。
　　Sincetoyounow,mygentlemen,thecharacterofmymissionknownis,beseechIyousofriendlytobeandtomeyourvaluablehelpgrant。Mr。PotzlhasthepublicbelievedmakewouldthatItoViennacomeaminorderthebridgestoclogupandthetraffictohinder,whileIobservationsgatherandnote。Allowyouyourselvesbutnotfromhimdeceived。Myfrequentpresenceonthebridgeshasanentirelyinnocentground。Yondergivesitthenecessaryspace,yondercanoneanoblelongGermansentenceelaborate,thebridge—railingalong,andhiswholecontentswithoneglanceoverlook。OntheoneendoftherailingpastedIthefirstmemberofaseparableverbandthefinalmembercleaveItotheotherend—thenspreadthebodyofthesentencebetweenitout！Usuallyareformypurposesthebridgesofthecitylongenough;whenIbutPotzl'swritingsstudywillIrideoutandusethegloriousendlessimperialbridge。Butthisisacalumny;PotzlwritestheprettiestGerman。Perhapsnotsopliableasthemine,butinmanydetailsmuchbetter。Excuseyoutheseflatteries。Thesearewelldeserved。
　　NowImyspeechexecute—no,IwouldsayIbringhertotheclose。I
　　amaforeigner—buthere,underyou,haveIitentirelyforgotten。AndsoagainandyetagainprofferIyoumyheartiestthanks。
　　GERMANFORTHEHUNGARIANS。
　　ADDRESSATTHEJUBILEECELEBRATIONOFTHE
　　EMANCIPATIONOFTHEHUNGARIANPRESS,MARCH26,1899。
　　TheMinistryandmembersofParliamentwerepresent。Thesubjectwasthe"Ausgleich"—i。e。,thearrangementfortheapportionmentofthetaxesbetweenHungaryandAustria。Paragraph14oftheausgleichfixestheproportioneachcountrymustpaytothesupportofthearmy。Itistheparagraphwhichcausedthetroubleandpreventeditsrenewal。
　　NOWthatweareallheretogether,Ithinkitwillbeagoodideatoarrangetheausgleich。IfyouwillactforHungaryIshallbequitewillingtoactforAustria,andthisistheverytimeforit。Therecouldn'tbeabetter,forweareallfeelingfriendly,fair—minded,andhospitablenow,andfullofadmirationforeachother,fullofconfidenceineachother,fullofthespiritofwelcome,fullofthegraceofforgiveness,andthedispositiontoletbygonesbebygones。
　　Letusnotwastethisgolden,thisbeneficent,thisprovidentialopportunity。Iamwillingtomakeanyconcessionyouwant,justsowegetitsettled。Iamnotonlywillingtoletgraincomeinfree,Iamwillingtopaythefreightonit,andyoumaysenddelegatestotheReichsrathifyoulike。AllIrequireisthattheyshallbequiet,peaceablepeoplelikeyourowndeputies,andnotdisturbourproceedings。
　　IfyouwanttheGegenseitigengeldbeitragendenverhaltnismassigkeitenrearrangedandreadjustedIamreadyforthat。Iwillletyouoffattwenty—eightpercent。—twenty—seven—eventwenty—fiveifyouinsist,forthereisnothingilliberalaboutmewhenIamoutonadiplomaticdebauch。
　　Now,inreturnfortheseconcessions,Iamwillingtotakeanythinginreason,andIthinkwemayconsiderthebusinesssettledandtheausgleichausgegloschenatlastfortensolidyears,andwewillsignthepapersinblank,anddoithereandnow。
　　Well,Iamunspeakablygladtohavethatausgleichoffmyhands。
　　Ithaskeptmeawakenightsforanderthalbjahr。
　　ButInevercouldsettleitbefore,becausealwayswhenIcalledattheForeignOfficeinViennatotalkaboutit,therewasn'tanybodyathome,andthatisnotaplacewhereyoucangoinandseeforyourselfwhetheritisamistakeornot,becausethepersonwhotakescareofthefrontdoorthereisofasizethatdiscourageslibertyofactionandthefreespiritofinvestigation。Tothinktheausgleichisabgemachtatlast！Itisagrandandbeautifulconsummation,andIamgladIcame。
　　ThewayIfeelnowIdohonestlybelieveIwouldratherbejustmyownhumbleselfatthismomentthanparagraph14。
　　ANEWGERMANWORD。
　　ToaidalocalcharityMr。ClemensappearedbeforeafashionableaudienceinVienna,March10,1899,readinghissketch"TheLucerneGirl,"anddescribinghowhehadbeeninterviewedandridiculed。Hesaidinpart:
　　IHAVEnotsufficientlymasteredGermantoallowmyusingitwithimpunity。Mycollectionoffourteen—syllableGermanwordsisstillincomplete。ButIhavejustaddedtothatcollectionajewel—averitablejewel。IfounditinatelegramfromLinz,anditcontainsninety—fiveletters:
　　Personaleinkommensteuerschatzungskommissionsmitgliedsreisekosten—
　　rechnungserganzungsrevisionsfundIfIcouldgetasimilarwordengraveduponmytombstoneIshouldsleepbeneathitinpeace。
　　UNCONSCIOUSPLAGIARISM。
　　DELIVEREDATTHEDINNERGIVENBYTHEPUBLISHERSOF
　　"THEATLANTICMONTHLY"TOOLIVERWENDELLHOLMES
　　INHONOROFHISSEVENTIETHBIRTHDAY,AUGUST29,1879。
　　IWOULDhavetravelledamuchgreaterdistancethanIhavecometowitnessthepayingofhonorstoDoctorHolmes;formyfeelingtowardhimhasalwaysbeenoneofpeculiarwarmth。Whenonereceivesaletterfromagreatmanforthefirsttimeinhislife,itisalargeeventtohim,asallofyouknowbyyourownexperience。Younevercanreceivelettersenoughfromfamousmenafterwardtoobliteratethatone,ordimthememoryofthepleasantsurpriseitwas,andthegratificationitgaveyou。Lapseoftimecannotmakeitcommonplaceorcheap。
　　Well,thefirstgreatmanwhoeverwrotemealetterwasourguest—OliverWendellHolmes。HewasalsothefirstgreatliterarymanIeverstoleanythingfrom—andthatishowIcametowritetohimandhetome。Whenmyfirstbookwasnew,afriendofminesaidtome,"Thededicationisveryneat。"Yes,Isaid,Ithoughtitwas。Myfriendsaid,"Ialwaysadmiredit,evenbeforeIsawitinTheInnocentsAbroad。"Inaturallysaid:"Whatdoyoumean？Wheredidyoueverseeitbefore？""Well,IsawitfirstsomeyearsagoasDoctorHolmes'sdedicationtohisSongsinManyKeys。"Ofcourse,myfirstimpulsewastopreparethisman'sremainsforburial,butuponreflectionIsaidIwouldreprievehimforamomentortwoandgivehimachancetoprovehisassertionifhecould。Westeppedintoabook—store,andhedidproveit。Ihadreallystolenthatdedication,almostwordforword。Icouldnotimaginehowthiscuriousthinghadhappened;forIknewonething—thatacertainamountofpridealwaysgoesalongwithateaspoonfulofbrains,andthatthisprideprotectsamanfromdeliberatelystealingotherpeople'sideas。Thatiswhatateaspoonfulofbrainswilldoforaman—andadmirershadoftentoldmeIhadnearlyabasketful—thoughtheywereratherreservedastothesizeofthebasket。
　　However,Ithoughtthethingout,andsolvedthemystery。Twoyearsbefore,IhadbeenlaidupacoupleofweeksintheSandwichIslands,andhadreadandre—readDoctorHolmes'spoemstillmymentalreservoirwasfilledupwiththemtothebrim。Thededicationlayonthetop,andhandy,so,by—and—by,Iunconsciouslystoleit。PerhapsI
　　unconsciouslystoletherestofthevolume,too,formanypeoplehavetoldmethatmybookwasprettypoetical,inonewayoranother。Well,ofcourse,IwroteDoctorHolmesandtoldhimI
　　hadn'tmeanttosteal,andhewrotebackandsaidinthekindestwaythatitwasallrightandnoharmdone;andaddedthathebelievedweallunconsciouslyworkedoverideasgatheredinreadingandhearing,imaginingtheywereoriginalwithourselves。Hestatedatruth,anddiditinsuchapleasantway,andsalvedovermysorespotsogentlyandsohealingly,thatIwasrathergladIhadcommittedthecrime,forthesakeoftheletter。Iafterwardcalledonhimandtoldhimtomakeperfectlyfreewithanyideasofminethatstruckhimasbeinggoodprotoplasmforpoetry。Hecouldseebythatthattherewasn'tanythingmeanaboutme;sowegotalongrightfromthestart。I
　　havenotmetDoctorHolmesmanytimessince;andlatelyhesaid—
　　However,IamwanderingwildlyawayfromtheonethingwhichIgotonmyfeettodo;thatis,tomakemycomplimentstoyou,myfellow—teachersofthegreatpublic,andlikewisetosaythatIamrightgladtoseethatDoctorHolmesisstillinhisprimeandfullofgenerouslife;andasageisnotdeterminedbyyears,butbytroubleandinfirmitiesofmindandbody,Ihopeitmaybeaverylongtimeyetbeforeanyonecantruthfullysay,"Heisgrowingold。"
　　THEWEATHER。
　　ADDRESSATTHENEWENGLANDSOCIETY'SSEVENTY—FIRST
　　ANNUALDINNER,NEWYORKCITY。
　　Thenexttoastwas:"TheOldestInhabitant—TheWeatherofNewEngland。"
　　Whocanloseitandforgetit？
　　Whocanhaveitandregretit？
　　"Beinterposer'twixtusTwain。"
　　—MerchantofVenice。
　　IREVERENTLYbelievethattheMakerwhomadeusallmakeseverythinginNewEnglandbuttheweather。Idon'tknowwhomakesthat,butI
　　thinkitmustberawapprenticesintheweather—clerk'sfactorywhoexperimentandlearnhow,inNewEngland,forboardandclothes,andthenarepromotedtomakeweatherforcountriesthatrequireagoodarticle,andwilltaketheircustomelsewhereiftheydon'tgetit。
　　ThereisasumptuousvarietyabouttheNewEnglandweatherthatcompelsthestranger'sadmiration—andregret。Theweatherisalwaysdoingsomethingthere;alwaysattendingstrictlytobusiness;alwaysgettingupnewdesignsandtryingthemonthepeopletoseehowtheywillgo。Butitgetsthroughmorebusinessinspringthaninanyotherseason。InthespringIhavecountedonehundredandthirty—sixdifferentkindsofweatherinsideoffour—and—twentyhours。ItwasI
　　thatmadethefameandfortuneofthatmanthathadthatmarvellouscollectionofweatheronexhibitionattheCentennial,thatsoastoundedtheforeigners。Hewasgoingtotravelallovertheworldandgetspecimensfromalltheclimes。Isaid,"Don'tyoudoit;youcometoNewEnglandonafavorablespringday。"Itoldhimwhatwecoulddointhewayofstyle,variety,andquantity。Well,hecameandhemadehiscollectioninfourdays。Astovariety,why,heconfessedthathegothundredsofkindsofweatherthathehadneverheardofbefore。Andastoquantity—well,afterhehadpickedoutanddiscardedallthatwasblemishedinanyway,henotonlyhadweatherenough,butweathertospare;weathertohireout;weathertosell;todeposit;weathertoinvest;weathertogivetothepoor。ThepeopleofNewEnglandarebynaturepatientandforbearing,buttherearesomethingswhichtheywillnotstand。Everyyeartheykillalotofpoetsforwritingabout"BeautifulSpring。"Thesearegenerallycasualvisitors,whobringtheirnotionsofspringfromsomewhereelse,andcannot,ofcourse,knowhowthenativesfeelaboutspring。Andsothefirstthingtheyknowtheopportunitytoinquirehowtheyfeelhaspermanentlygoneby。OldProbabilitieshasamightyreputationforaccurateprophecy,andthoroughlywelldeservesit。Youtakeupthepaperandobservehowcrisplyandconfidentlyhechecksoffwhatto—day'sweatherisgoingtobeonthePacific,downSouth,intheMiddleStates,intheWisconsinregion。SeehimsailalonginthejoyandprideofhispowertillhegetstoNewEngland,andthenseehistaildrop。Hedoesn'tknowwhattheweatherisgoingtobeinNewEngland。Well,hemullsoverit,andby—and—byhegetsoutsomethingaboutlikethis:Probablynortheasttosouthwestwinds,varyingtothesouthwardandwestwardandeastward,andpointsbetween,highandlowbarometerswappingaroundfromplacetoplace;
　　probableareasofrain,snow,hail,anddrought,succeededorprecededbyearthquakes,withthunderandlightning。Thenhejotsdownhispostscriptfromhiswanderingmind,tocoveraccidents。"Butitispossiblethattheprogrammemaybewhollychangedinthemeantime。"
　　Yes,oneofthebrightestgemsintheNewEnglandweatheristhedazzlinguncertaintyofit。Thereisonlyonethingcertainaboutit:youarecertainthereisgoingtobeplentyofit—aperfectgrandreview;butyounevercantellwhichendoftheprocessionisgoingtomovefirst。Youfixupforthedrought;youleaveyourumbrellainthehouseandsallyout,andtwotooneyougetdrowned。Youmakeupyourmindthattheearthquakeisdue;youstandfromunder,andtakeholdofsomethingtosteadyyourself,andthefirstthingyouknowyougetstruckbylightning。Thesearegreatdisappointments;buttheycan'tbehelped。Thelightningthereispeculiar;itissoconvincing,thatwhenitstrikesathingitdoesn'tleaveenoughofthatthingbehindforyoutotellwhether—Well,you'dthinkitwassomethingvaluable,andaCongressmanhadbeenthere。Andthethunder。Whenthethunderbeginstomerelytuneupandscrapeandsaw,andkeyuptheinstrumentsfortheperformance,strangerssay,"Why,whatawfulthunderyouhavehere！"Butwhenthebatonisraisedandtherealconcertbegins,you'llfindthatstrangerdowninthecellarwithhisheadintheash—barrel。NowastothesizeoftheweatherinNewEngland—lengthways,Imean。Itisutterlydisproportionedtothesizeofthatlittlecountry。Halfthetime,whenitispackedasfullasitcanstick,youwillseethatNewEnglandweatherstickingoutbeyondtheedgesandprojectingaroundhundredsandhundredsofmilesovertheneighboringStates。Shecan'tholdatenthpartofherweather。
　　Youcanseecracksallaboutwhereshehasstrainedherselftryingtodoit。IcouldspeakvolumesabouttheinhumanperversityoftheNewEnglandweather,butIwillgivebutasinglespecimen。Iliketohearrainonatinroof。SoIcoveredpartofmyroofwithtin,withaneyetothatluxury。Well,sir,doyouthinkiteverrainsonthattin？No,sir;skipsiteverytime。Mind,inthisspeechIhavebeentryingmerelytodohonortotheNewEnglandweather—nolanguagecoulddoitjustice。But,afterall,thereisatleastoneortwothingsaboutthatweather（or,ifyouplease,effectsproducedbyit）whichweresidentswouldnotliketopartwith。Ifwehadn'tourbewitchingautumnfoliage,weshouldstillhavetocredittheweatherwithonefeaturewhichcompensatesforallitsbullyingvagaries—theice—storm:whenaleaflesstreeisclothedwithicefromthebottomtothetop—icethatisasbrightandclearascrystal;
　　wheneveryboughandtwigisstrungwithice—beads,frozendew—drops,andthewholetreesparklescoldandwhite,liketheShahofPersia'sdiamondplume。Thenthewindwavesthebranchesandthesuncomesoutandturnsallthosemyriadsofbeadsanddropstoprismsthatglowandburnandflashwithallmannerofcoloredfires,whichchangeandchangeagainwithinconceivablerapidityfrombluetored,fromredtogreen,andgreentogold—thetreebecomesasprayingfountain,averyexplosionofdazzlingjewels;anditstandstheretheacme,theclimax,thesupremestpossibilityinartornature,ofbewildering,intoxicating,intolerablemagnificence。Onecannotmakethewordstoostrong。
　　THEBABIES。
　　DELIVEREDATTHEBANQUET,INCHICAGO,GIVEN
　　BYTHEARMYOFTHETENNESSEETOTHEIR
　　FIRSTCOMMANDERGENERALU。S。
　　GRANT,NOVEMBER,1879。
　　Thefifteenthregulartoastwas"TheBabies。—Astheycomfortusinoursorrows,letusnotforgettheminourfestivities。"
　　ILIKEthat。Wehavenotallhadthegoodfortunetobeladies。Wehavenotallbeengenerals,orpoets,orstatesmen;butwhenthetoastworksdowntothebabies,westandoncommonground。Itisashamethatforathousandyearstheworld'sbanquetshaveutterlyignoredthebaby,asifhedidn'tamounttoanything。Ifyouwillstopandthinkaminute—ifyouwillgobackfiftyoronehundredyearstoyourearlymarriedlifeandrecontemplateyourfirstbaby—youwillrememberthatheamountedtoagooddeal,andevensomethingover。Yousoldiersallknowthatwhenthatlittlefellowarrivedatfamilyheadquartersyouhadtohandinyourresignation。Hetookentirecommand。Youbecamehislackey,hismerebody—servant,andyouhadtostandaroundtoo。Hewasnotacommanderwhomadeallowancesfortime,distance,weather,oranythingelse。Youhadtoexecutehisorderwhetheritwaspossibleornot。Andtherewasonlyoneformofmarchinginhismanualoftactics,andthatwasthedouble—quick。Hetreatedyouwitheverysortofinsolenceanddisrespect,andthebravestofyoudidn'tdaretosayaword。Youcouldfacethedeath—stormatDonelsonandVicksburg,andgivebackblowforblow;
　　butwhenheclawedyourwhiskers,andpulledyourhair,andtwistedyournose,youhadtotakeit。Whenthethundersofwarweresoundinginyourearsyousetyourfacestowardthebatteries,andadvancedwithsteadytread;butwhenheturnedontheterrorsofhiswar—whoopyouadvancedintheotherdirection,andmightygladofthechance,too。Whenhecalledforsoothing—syrup,didyouventuretothrowoutanyside—remarksaboutcertainservicesbeingunbecominganofficerandagentleman？No。Yougotupandgotit。Whenheorderedhispapbottleanditwasnotwarm,didyoutalkback？Notyou。Youwenttoworkandwarmedit。Youevendescendedsofarinyourmenialofficeastotakeasuckatthatwarm,insipidstuffyourself,toseeifitwasright—threepartswatertooneofmilk,atouchofsugartomodifythecolic,andadropofpepperminttokillthoseimmortalhiccoughs。Icantastethatstuffyet。Andhowmanythingsyoulearnedasyouwentalong！Sentimentalyoungfolksstilltakestockinthatbeautifuloldsayingthatwhenthebabysmilesinhissleep,itisbecausetheangelsarewhisperingtohim。Verypretty,buttoothin—simplywindonthestomach,myfriends。Ifthebabyproposedtotakeawalkathisusualhour,twoo'clockinthemorning,didn'tyouriseuppromptlyandremark,withamentaladditionwhichwouldnotimproveaSunday—schoolbookmuch,thatthatwastheverythingyouwereabouttoproposeyourself？Oh！youwereundergooddiscipline,andasyouwentflutteringupanddowntheroominyourundressuniform,younotonlyprattledundignifiedbaby—talk,buteventunedupyourmartialvoicesandtriedtosing！—Rock—a—byBabyintheTree—top,forinstance。WhataspectacleforanArmyoftheTennessee！
　　Andwhatanafflictionfortheneighbors,too;foritisnoteverybodywithinamilearoundthatlikesmilitarymusicatthreeinthemorning。Andwhenyouhadbeenkeepingthissortofthinguptwoorthreehours,andyourlittlevelvet—headintimatedthatnothingsuitedhimlikeexerciseandnoise,whatdidyoudo？Yousimplywentonuntilyoudroppedinthelastditch。Theideathatababydoesn'tamounttoanything！Why,onebabyisjustahouseandafrontyardfullbyitself。OnebabycanfurnishmorebusinessthanyouandyourwholeInteriorDepartmentcanattendto。Heisenterprising,irrepressible,。
　　brimfuloflawlessactivities。Dowhatyouplease,youcan'tmakehimstayonthereservation。Sufficientuntothedayisonebaby。Aslongasyouareinyourrightminddon'tyoueverprayfortwins。
　　Twinsamounttoapermanentriot。Andthereain'tanyrealdifferencebetweentripletsandaninsurrection。
　　Yes,itwashightimeforatoast—mastertorecognizetheimportanceofthebabies。Thinkwhatisinstoreforthepresentcrop！Fiftyyearsfromnowweshallallbedead,Itrust,andthenthisflag,ifitstillsurvive（andletushopeitmay）,willbefloatingoveraRepublicnumbering200,000,000souls,accordingtothesettledlawsofourincrease。OurpresentschoonerofStatewillhavegrownintoapoliticalleviathan—aGreatEastern。Thecradledbabiesofto—daywillbeondeck。Letthembewelltrained,forwearegoingtoleaveabigcontractontheirhands。Amongthethreeorfourmillioncradlesnowrockinginthelandaresomewhichthisnationwouldpreserveforagesassacredthings,ifwecouldknowwhichonestheyare。InoneofthesecradlestheunconsciousFarragutofthefutureisatthismomentteething—thinkofit！—andputtinginaworldofdeadearnest,unarticulated,butperfectlyjustifiableprofanityoverit,too。InanotherthefuturerenownedastronomerisblinkingattheshiningMilkyWaywithbutalanguidinterest—poorlittlechap！—andwonderingwhathasbecomeofthatotheronetheycallthewet—nurse。
　　Inanotherthefuturegreathistorianislying—anddoubtlesswillcontinuetolieuntilhisearthlymissionisended。InanotherthefuturePresidentisbusyinghimselfwithnoprofounderproblemofstatethanwhatthemischiefhasbecomeofhishairsoearly;andinamightyarrayofothercradlestherearenowsome60,000futureoffice—seekers,gettingreadytofurnishhimoccasiontograpplewiththatsameoldproblemasecondtime。Andinstillonemorecradle,somewhereundertheflag,thefutureillustriouscommander—in—chiefoftheAmericanarmiesissolittleburdenedwithhisapproachinggrandeursandresponsibilitiesastobegivinghiswholestrategicmindatthismomenttotryingtofindoutsomewaytogethisbigtoeintohismouth—anachievementwhich,meaningnodisrespect,theillustriousguestofthiseveningturnedhisentireattentiontosomefifty—sixyearsago;andifthechildisbutaprophecyoftheman,therearemightyfewwhowilldoubtthathesucceeded。
　　OURCHILDRENANDGREATDISCOVERIES。
　　DELIVEREDATTHEAUTHORS'CLUB,NEWYORK。
　　OURchildren—yours—and—mine。Theyseemlikelittlethingstotalkabout—ourchildren,butlittlethingsoftenmakeupthesumofhumanlife—that'sagoodsentence。Irepeatit,littlethingsoftenproducegreatthings。Now,toillustrate,takeSirIsaacNewton—I
　　presumesomeofyouhaveheardofMr。Newton。Well,oncewhenSirIsaacNewton—amerelad—gotoverintotheman'sappleorchard—I
　　don'tknowwhathewasdoingthere—Ididn'tcomeallthewayfromHartfordtoq—u—e—s—t—i—o—nMr。Newton'shonesty—butwhenhewasthere—inthemainorchard—hesawanapplefallandhewasa—t—t—ractedtowardit,andthatledtothediscovery—notofMr。
　　Newton—butofthegreatlawofattractionandgravitation。
　　Andtherewasonceanothergreatdiscoverer—I'veforgottenhisname,andIdon'trememberwhathediscovered,butIknowitwassomethingveryimportant,andIhopeyouwillalltellyourchildrenaboutitwhenyougethome。Well,whenthegreatdiscovererwasonceloafin'arounddowninVirginia,anda—puttin'inhistimeflirtingwithPocahontas—oh！CaptainJohnSmith,thatwastheman'sname—
　　andwhileheandPocaweresittinginMr。Powhatan'sgarden,heaccidentallyputhisarmaroundherandpickedsomething—asimpleweed,whichprovedtobetobacco—andnowwefinditineveryChristianfamily,sheddingitscivilizinginfluencebroadcastthroughoutthewholereligiouscommunity。
　　Nowtherewasanothergreatman,Ican'tthinkofhisnameeither,whousedtoloafaroundandwatchthegreatchandelierinthecathedralatPisa,whichsethimtothinkingaboutthegreatlawofgunpowder,andeventuallyledtothediscoveryofthecotton—gin。
　　Now,Idon'tsaythisasaninducementforouryoungmentoloafaroundlikeMr。NewtonandMr。GalileoandCaptainSmith,buttheywereoncelittlebabiestwodaysold,andtheyshowwhatlittlethingshavesometimesaccomplished。
　　EDUCATINGTHEATRE—GOERS。
　　ThechildrenoftheEducationalAlliancegaveaperformanceof"ThePrinceandthePauper"ontheafternoonofApril14,1907,inthetheatreoftheAllianceBuildinginEastBroadway。Theaudiencewascomposedofnearlyonethousandchildrenoftheneighborhood。Mr。
　　Clemens,Mr。Howells,andMr。DanielFrohmanwereamongtheinvitedguests。
　　IHAVEnotenjoyedaplaysomuch,soheartily,andsothoroughlysinceIplayedMilesHendontwenty—twoyearsago。Iusedtoplayinthispiece（"ThePrinceandthePauper"）withmychildren,who,twenty—twoyearsago,werelittleyoungsters。OneofmydaughterswasthePrince,andaneighbor'sdaughterwasthePauper,andthechildrenofotherneighborsplayedotherparts。Butwenevergavesuchaperformanceaswehaveseenhereto—day。Itwouldhavebeenbeyondus。
　　Mylatewifewasthedramatistandstage—manager。Ourcoachmanwasthestage—manager,secondincommand。Weusedtoplayitinthissimpleway,andtheonewhousedtobringinthecrownonacushion—
　　hewasalittlefellowthen—isnowaclergymanwayuphigh—sixorsevenfeethigh—andgrowinghigherallthetime。Weplayeditwell,butnotaswellasyouseeithere,foryouseeitdonebypracticallytrainedprofessionals。
　　Iwasespeciallyinterestedinthescenewhichwehavejusthad,forMilesHendonwasmypart。Ididitaswellasapersoncouldwhoneverrememberedhispart。Thechildrenallknewtheirparts。TheydidnotmindifIdidnotknowmine。Icouldthreadaneedlenearlyaswellastheplayerdidwhomyousawto—day。ThewordsofmypartIcouldsupplyonthespot。ThewordsofthesongthatMilesHendonsanghereIdidnotcatch。ButIwasgreatinthatsong。
　　[ThenMr。Clemenshummedabitofdoggerelthatthereportermadeoutasthis:
　　"Therewasawomaninhertown,Shelovedherhusbandwell,Butanothermanjusttwiceaswell。"
　　"Howisthat？"demandedMr。Clemens。Thenresuming:]
　　ItwassofreshandenjoyabletomakeupanewsetofwordseachtimethatIplayedthepart。
　　IfIhadathousandcitizensinfrontofme,Iwouldliketogivetheminformation,butyouchildrenalreadyknowallthatIhavefoundoutabouttheEducationalAlliance。It'slikeamanlivingwithinthirtymilesofVesuviusandneverknowingaboutavolcano。
　　It'slikelivingforalifetimeinBuffalo,eighteenmilesfromNiagara,andnevergoingtoseetheFalls。SoIhadlivedinNewYorkandknewnothingabouttheEducationalAlliance。
　　Thistheatreisapartofthework,andfurnishespureandcleanplays。Thistheatreisaninfluence。Everythingintheworldisaccomplishedbyinfluenceswhichtrainandeducate。Whenyougettobeseventy—oneandahalf,asIam,youmaythinkthatyoureducationisover,butitisn't。
　　Ifwehadfortytheatresofthiskindinthiscityoffourmillions,howtheywouldeducateandelevate！Weshouldhaveabodyofeducatedtheatre—goers。
　　Itwouldmakebettercitizens,honestcitizens。Oneofthebestgiftsamillionairecouldmakewouldbeatheatrehereandatheatrethere。ItwouldmakeofyouarealRepublic,andbringaboutaneducationallevel。
　　THEEDUCATIONALTHEATRE。
　　OnNovember19,1907,Mr。Clemensentertainedapartyofsixorsevenhundredofhisfriends,invitingthemtowitnesstherepresentationof"ThePrinceandthePauper,"playedbyboysandgirlsoftheEastSideattheChildren'sEducationalTheatre,NewYork。
　　JUSTawordortwotoletyouknowhowdeeplyIappreciatethehonorwhichthechildrenwhoaretheactorsandfrequentersofthiscozyplayhousehaveconferreduponme。TheyhaveaskedmetobetheirambassadortoinvitetheheartsandbrainsofNewYorktocomedownhereandseetheworktheyaredoing。Iconsideritagranddistinctiontobechosenastheirintermediary。Betweenthechildrenandmyselfthereisanindissolublebondoffriendship。
　　Iamproudofthistheatreandthisperformance—proud,becauseIamnaturallyvain—vainofmyselfandproudofthechildren。
　　Iwishwecouldreachmorechildrenatonetime。IamgladtoseethatthechildrenoftheEastSidehaveturnedtheirbacksontheBowerytheatrestocometoseethepureentertainmentspresentedhere。
　　ThisChildren'sTheatreisagreateducationalinstitution。Ihopethetimewillcomewhenitwillbepartofeverypublicschoolintheland。Imaybepardonedinbeingvain。Iwasbornvain,Iguess。
　　[Atthispointthestage—manager'swhistleinterruptedMr。Clemens。]
　　Thatsettlesit;there'smycuetostop。Iwastotalkuntilthewhistleblew,butitblewbeforeIgotstarted。Ittakesmelongertogetstartedthanmostpeople。IguessIwasbornatslowspeed。
　　Mytimeisup,andifyou'llkeepquietfortwominutesI'lltellyousomethingaboutMissHerts,thewomanwhoconceivedthissplendididea。Sheistheoriginatorandthecreatorofthistheatre。Educationally,thisinstitutioncoinsthegoldofyoungheartsintoexternalgood。
　　[OnApril23,1908,hespokeagainatthesameplace]
　　Iwillbestrictlyhonestwithyou;Iamonlyfittobehonorarypresident。ItisnottobeexpectedthatIshouldbeusefulasarealpresident。ButwhenitcomestothingsornamentalI,ofcourse,havenoobjection。Thereis,ofcourse,nocompetition。Itakeitasaveryrealcomplimentbecausetherearethousandsofchildrenwhohavehadapartinthisrequest。Itispromotionintruth。
　　Itisathingworthdoingthatisdonehere。Youhaveseenthechildrenplay。YousawhowlittleSallyreformedherburglar。Shecouldreformanyburglar。Shecouldreformme。Thisistheonlyschoolinwhichcanbetaughtthehighestandmostdifficultlessons—morals。
　　Inotherschoolsthewayofteachingmoralsisrevolting。Herethechildrenwhocomeinthousandslivethrougheachpart。
　　Theyareterriblyanxiousforthevillaintogethisbullet,andthatItaketobeahumaneandpropersentiment。Theyspendfreelythetencentsthatisnotsavedwithoutastruggle。Itcomesoutofthecandymoney,andthemoneythatgoesforchewing—gumandothernecessariesoflife。Theymakethesacrificefreely。Thisistheonlyschoolwhichtheyaresorrytoleave。
　　POETSASPOLICEMEN。
　　Mr。ClemenswasoneofthespeakersattheLotosClubdinnertoGovernorOdell,March24,1900。Thepoliceproblemwasreferredtoatlength。
　　LETusabolishpolicemenwhocarryclubsandrevolvers,andputinasquadofpoetsarmedtotheteethwithpoemsonSpringandLove。I
　　wouldbeverygladtoserveascommissioner,notbecauseIthinkI
　　amespeciallyqualified,butbecauseIamtootiredtoworkandwouldliketotakearest。
　　Howellswouldgowellasmydeputy。Heistiredtoo,andneedsarestbadly。