LastspringImetGeneralMilesagain,andhecommentedonthefactthatwehadknowneachotherthirtyyears。Hesaiditwasstrangethatwehadnotmetyearsbefore,whenwehadbothbeeninWashington。
　　AtthatpointIchangedthesubject,andIchangeditwithart。Butthefactsarethese:
　　IwasthenundercontractformyInnocentsAbroad,butdidnothaveacenttoliveonwhileIwroteit。SoIwenttoWashingtontodoalittlejournalism。ThereImetanequallypoorfriend,WilliamDavidson,whohadnotasinglevice,unlessyoucallitaviceinaScottoloveScotch。Togetherwedevisedthefirstandoriginalnewspapersyndicate,sellingtwolettersaweektotwelvenewspapersandgetting$1aletter。That$24aweekwouldhavebeenenoughforus—ifwehadnothadtosupportthejug。
　　Buttherewasadaywhenwefeltthatwemusthave$3rightaway—$3
　　atonce。ThatwashowImettheGeneral。Itdoesn'tmatternowwhatwewantedsomuchmoneyatonetimefor,butthatScotandIdidoccasionallywantit。TheScotsentmeoutonedaytogetit。HehadagreatbeliefinProvidence,thatScottishfriendofmine。Hesaid:
　　"TheLordwillprovide。"
　　Ihadgivenuptryingtofindthemoneylyingabout,andwasinahotellobbyindespair,whenIsawabeautifulunfriendeddog。Thedogsawme,too,andatoncewebecameacquainted。ThenGeneralMilescamein,admiredthedog,andaskedmetopriceit。Ipriceditat$3。Heofferedmeanopportunitytoreconsiderthevalueofthebeautifulanimal,butIrefusedtotakemorethanProvidenceknewIneeded。
　　TheGeneralcarriedthedogtohisroom。
　　Thencameinasweetlittlemiddle—agedman,whoatoncebeganlookingaroundthelobby。
　　"Didyouloseadog？"Iasked。Hesaidhehad。
　　"IthinkIcouldfindit,"Ivolunteered,"forasmallsum。"
　　"'Howmuch？'"heasked。AndItoldhim$3。Heurgedmetoacceptmore,butIdidnotwishtooutdoProvidence。ThenIwenttotheGeneral'sroomandaskedforthedogback。Hewasveryangry,andwantedtoknowwhyIhadsoldhimadogthatdidnotbelongtome。
　　"That'sasingularquestiontoaskme,sir,"Ireplied。"Didn'tyouaskmetosellhim？Youstartedit。"Andheletmehavehim。I
　　gavehimbackhis$3andreturnedthedog,collect,toitsowner。Thatsecond$3IcarriedhometotheScot,andweenjoyedit,butthefirst$3,themoneyIgotfromtheGeneral,Iwouldhavehadtolend。
　　TheGeneralseemednottoremembermypartinthatadventure,andIneverhadthehearttotellhimaboutit。
　　WHENINDOUBT,TELLTHETRUTH。
　　MarkTwain'sspeechatthedinnerofthe"FreundschaftSociety,"
　　March9,1906,hadasabasisthewordsofintroductionusedbyToastmasterFrank,who,referringtoPudd'nheadWilson,usedthephrase,"Whenindoubt,tellthetruth。"
　　MR。CHAIRMAN,MR。PUTZEL,ANDGENTLEMENOFTHEFREUNDSCHAFT,—ThatmaximIdidinvent,butneverexpectedittobeappliedtome。Ididsay,"Whenyouareindoubt,"butwhenIamindoubtmyselfIusemoresagacity。
　　Mr。GroutsuggestedthatifIhaveanythingtosayagainstMr。
　　Putzel,oranycriticismofhiscareerorhischaracter,Iamthelastpersontocomeoutonaccountofthatmaximandtellthetruth。Thatisaltogetheramistake。
　　Idothinkitisrightforotherpeopletobevirtuoussothattheycanbehappyhereafter,butifIkneweveryimproprietythatevenMr。Putzelhascommittedinhislife,Iwouldnotmentiononeofthem。
　　Myjudgmenthasbeenmaturingforseventyyears,andIhavegottothatpointwhereIknowbetterthanthat。
　　Mr。Putzelstandsrelatedtomeinaverytenderway（throughthetaxoffice）,anditdoesnotbehoovemetosayanythingwhichcouldbyanypossibilitymilitateagainstthatconditionofthings。
　　Now,thatword—taxes,taxes,taxes！Ihavehearditto—night。I
　　havehearditallnight。Iwishsomebodywouldchangethatsubject;
　　thatisaverysoresubjecttome。
　　IwassorelievedwhenJudgeLeventrittdidfindsomethingthatwasnottaxable—whenhesaidthatthecommissionercouldnottaxyourpatience。Andthatcomfortedme。We'vegotsomuchtaxation。Idon'tknowofasingleforeignproductthatentersthiscountryuntaxedexcepttheanswertoprayer。
　　Onanoccasionlikethistheproprietiesrequirethatyoumerelypaycomplimentstotheguestoftheoccasion,andIammerelyheretopaycomplimentstotheguestoftheoccasion,nottocriticisehiminanyway,andIcansayonlycomplimentarythingstohim。
　　WhenIwentdowntothetaxofficesometimeago,forthefirsttimeinNewYork,IsawMr。Putzelsittinginthe"SeatofPerjury。"I
　　recognizedhimrightaway。Iwarmedtohimonthespot。Ididn'tknowthatIhadeverseenhimbefore,butjustassoonasIsawhimIrecognizedhim。Ihadmethimtwenty—fiveyearsbefore,andatthattimehadachievedaknowledgeofhisabilitiesandsomethingmorethanthat。
　　Ithought:"Now,thisisthemanwhomIsawtwenty—fiveyearsago。"OnthatoccasionInotonlywentfreeathishands,butcarriedoffsomethingmorethanthat。Ihopeditwouldhappenagain。
　　Itwastwenty—fiveyearsagowhenIsawayoungclerkinPutnam'sbook—store。IwentinthereandaskedforGeorgeHavenPutnam,andhandedhimmycard,andthentheyoungmansaidMr。PutnamwasbusyandIcouldn'tseehim。Well,Ihadmerelycalledinasocialway,andsoitdidn'tmatter。
　　IwasgoingoutwhenIsawagreatbig,fat,interesting—lookingbooklyingthere,andItookitup。ItwasanaccountoftheinvasionofEnglandinthefourteenthcenturybythePreachingFriar,anditinterestedme。
　　Iaskedhimthepriceofit,andhesaidfourdollars。
　　"Well,"Isaid,"whatdiscountdoyouallowtopublishers？"
　　Hesaid:"Fortypercent。off。"
　　Isaid:"Allright,Iamapublisher。"
　　Heputdownthefigure,fortypercent。off,onacard。
　　ThenIsaid:"Whatdiscountdoyouallowtoauthors？"
　　Hesaid:"Fortypercent。off。"
　　"Well,"Isaid,"setmedownasanauthor。"
　　"Now,"saidI,"whatdiscountdoyouallowtotheclergy？"
　　Hesaid:"Fortypercent。off。"
　　IsaidtohimthatIwasonlyontheroad,andthatIwasstudyingfortheministry。Iaskedhimwouldn'theknockofftwentypercent。
　　forthat。Hesetdownthefigure,andheneversmiledonce。
　　Iwasworkingoffthesehumorousbrillianciesonhimandgettingnoreturn—notascintillationinhiseye,notasparkofrecognitionofwhatIwasdoingthere。Iwasalmostindespair。
　　IthoughtImighttryhimoncemore,soIsaid:"Now,Iamalsoamemberofthehumanrace。Willyouletmehavethetenpercent。offforthat？"Hesetitdown,andneversmiled。
　　Well,Igaveitup。Isaid:"Thereismycardwithmyaddressonit,butIhavenotanymoneywithme。WillyoupleasesendthebilltoHartford？"Itookupthebookandwasgoingaway。
　　Hesaid:"Waitaminute。Thereisfortycentscomingtoyou。"
　　WhenImethiminthetaxofficeIthoughtmaybeIcouldmakesomethingagain,butIcouldnot。ButIhadnotanyideaIcouldwhenIcame,andasitturnedoutIdidgetoffentirelyfree。
　　Iputupmyhandandmadeastatement。Itgavemeagooddealofpaintodothat。Iwasnotusedtoit。IwasbornandrearedinthehighercirclesofMissouri,andtherewedon'tdosuchthings—
　　didn'tinmytime,butwehavegotthatlittlemattersettled—gotasortoftaxleviedonme。
　　Thenhetouchedme。Yes,hetouchedmethistime,becausehecried—cried！HewasmovedtotearstoseethatI,avirtuouspersononlyayearbefore,afterimmersionforoneyear—duringoneyearintheNewYorkmorals—hadnomoreconsciencethanamillionaire。
　　THEDAYWECELEBRATE。
　　ADDRESSATTHEFOURTH—OF—JULYDINNEROFTHE
　　AMERICANSOCIETY,LONDON,1899。
　　INOTICEDinAmbassadorChoate'sspeechthathesaid:"YoumaybeAmericansorEnglishmen,butyoucannotbebothatthesametime。"Yourespondedbyapplause。
　　Considertheeffectofashortresidencehere。IfindtheAmbassadorrisesfirsttospeaktoatoast,followedbyaSenator,andIcomethird。Whatasubtletributethattomonarchialinfluenceofthecountrywhenyouplacerankaboverespectability！
　　Iwasbornmodest,andifIhadnotbeenthingslikethiswouldforceituponme。Iunderstanditquitewell。Iamheretoseethatbetweenthemtheydojusticetothedaywecelebrate,andincasetheydonotImustdoitmyself。ButInoticetheyhaveconsideredthisdaymerelyfromoneside—itssentimental,patriotic,poeticside。Butithasanotherside。Ithasacommercial,abusinesssidethatneedsreforming。Ithasahistoricalside。
　　Idonotsay"an"historicalside,becauseIamspeakingtheAmericanlanguage。Idonotseewhyourcousinsshouldcontinuetosay"an"hospital,"an"historicalfact,"an"horse。ItseemstometheCongressofWomen,nowinsession,shouldlooktoit。Ithink"an"
　　ishavingalittletoomuchtodowithit。Itcomesofhabit,whichaccountsformanythings。
　　Yesterday,forexample,Iwasataluncheonparty。AttheendofthepartyagreatdignitaryoftheEnglishEstablishedChurchwentawayhalfanhourbeforeanybodyelseandcarriedoffmyhat。Now,thatwasaninnocentactonhispart。Hewentoutfirst,andofcoursehadthechoiceofhats。AsaruleItrytogetoutfirstmyself。ButI
　　holdthatitwasaninnocent,unconsciousact,due,perhaps,toheredity。Hewasthinkingaboutecclesiasticalmatters,andwhenamanisinthatconditionofmindhewilltakeanybody'shat。TheresultwasthatthewholeafternoonIwasundertheinfluenceofhisclericalhatandcouldnottellalie。Ofcourse,hewashardatit。
　　Itisacomplimenttobothofus。Hishatfittedmeexactly;myhatfittedhimexactly。SoIjudgeIwasborntorisetohighdignityintheChurchsomehoworother,butIdonotknowwhathewasbornfor。
　　Thatisanillustrationoftheinfluenceofhabit,anditisperceptibleherewhentheysay"an"hospital,"an"European,"an"
　　historical。
　　ThebusinessaspectsoftheFourthofJulyisnotperfectasitstands。Seewhatitcostsuseveryyearwithlossoflife,thecripplingofthousandswithitsfireworks,andtheburningdownofproperty。Itisnotonlysacredtopatriotismanduniversalfreedom,buttothesurgeon,theundertaker,theinsuranceoffices—andtheyareworkingitforallitisworth。
　　Iampleasedtoseethatwehaveacessationofwarforthetime。
　　Thiscomingfromme,asoldier,youwillappreciate。IwasasoldierintheSouthernwarfortwoweeks,andwhengentlemengetuptospeakofthegreatdeedsourarmyandnavyhaverecentlydone,why,itgoesallthroughmeandfiresuptheoldwarspirit。Ihadinmyfirstengagementthreehorsesshotunderme。Thenextoneswentovermyhead,thenexthitmeintheback。ThenIretiredtomeetanengagement。
　　Ithankyou,gentlemen,formakingevenaslightreferencetothewarprofession,inwhichIdistinguishedmyself,shortasmycareerwas。
　　INDEPENDENCEDAY。
　　TheAmericanSocietyinLondongaveabanquet,July4,1907,attheHotelCecil。AmbassadorChoatecalledonMr。Clemenstorespondtothetoast"TheDayWeCelebrate。"
　　MR。CHAIRMAN,MYLORD,ANDGENTLEMEN,—Oncemoreithappens,asithashappenedsooftensinceIarrivedinEnglandaweekortwoago,thatinsteadofcelebratingtheFourthofJulyproperlyashasbeenindicated,Ihavetofirsttakecareofmypersonalcharacter。
　　SirMortimerDurandstillremainsunconvinced。Well,ItriedtoconvincethesepeoplefromthebeginningthatIdidnottaketheAscotCup;andasIhavefailedtoconvinceanybodythatIdidnottakethecup,ImightaswellconfessIdidtakeitandbedonewithit。
　　Idon'tseewhythisuncharitablefeelingshouldfollowmeeverywhere,andwhyIshouldhavethatcrimethrownuptomeonalloccasions。ThetearsthatIhaveweptoveritoughttohavecreatedadifferentfeelingthanthis—and,besides,Idon'tthinkitisveryrightorfairthat,consideringEnglandhasbeentryingtotakeacupofoursforfortyyears—Idon'tseewhytheyshouldtakesomuchtroublewhenItriedtogointothebusinessmyself。
　　SirMortimerDurand,too,hashadtroublefromgoingtoadinnerhere,andhehastoldyouwhathesufferedinconsequence。Butwhatdidhesuffer？Heonlymissedhistrainandonenightofdiscomfort,andheremembersittothisday。Oh！ifyoucouldonlythinkwhatI
　　havesufferedfromasimilarcircumstance。Twoorthreeyearsago,inNewYork,withthatSocietytherewhichismadeupofpeoplefromallBritishColonies,andfromGreatBritain,generally,whowereeducatedinBritishcollegesandBritishschools,Iwastheretorespondtoatoastofsomekindorother,andIdidthenwhatIhavebeeninthehabitofdoing,fromaselfishmotive,foralongtime,andthatis,IgotmyselfplacedNo。3inthelistofspeakers—thenyougethomeearly。
　　Ihadtogofivemilesup—river,andhadtocatchaparticulartrainornotgetthere。Butseethemagnanimitywhichisborninme,whichI
　　havecultivatedallmylife。AveryfamousandverygreatBritishclergymancametomepresently,andhesaid:"Iamawaydowninthelist;IhavegottocatchacertaintrainthisSaturdaynight;ifI
　　don'tcatchthattrainIshallbecarriedbeyondmidnightandbreaktheSabbath。Won'tyouchangeplaceswithme？Isaid:"CertainlyI
　　will。"Ididitatonce。Now,seewhathappened。TalkaboutSirMortimerDurand'ssufferingsforasinglenight！Ihavesufferedeversince。becauseIsavedthatgentlemanfrombreakingtheSabbath—yes,savedhim。Itookhisplace,butIlostmytrain,anditwasIwhobroketheSabbath。UptothattimeIneverhadbrokentheSabbathinmylifeandfromthatdaytothisIneverhavekeptit。
　　Oh！Iamlearningmuchhereto—night。IfindIdidn'tknowanythingabouttheAmericanSociety—thatis,Ididn'tknowitschiefvirtue。Ididn'tknowitschiefvirtueuntilhisExcellencyourAmbassadorrevealedit—Imaysay,exposedit。Iwasintendingtogohomeonthe13thofthismonth,butIlookuponthatinadifferentlightnow。IamgoingtostayhereuntiltheAmericanSocietypaysmypassage。
　　OurAmbassadorhasspokenofourFourthofJulyandthenoiseitmakes。WehavegotadoubleFourthofJuly—adaylightFourthandamidnightFourth。DuringthedayinAmerica,asourAmbassadorhasindicated,wekeeptheFourthofJulyproperlyinareverentspirit。
　　Wedevoteittoteachingourchildrenpatrioticthings—reverencefortheDeclarationofIndependence。Wehonorthedayallthroughthedaylighthour's,andwhennightcomeswedishonorit。Presently—
　　beforelong—theyaregettingnearlyreadytobeginnow—ontheAtlanticcoast,whennightshutsdown,thatpandemoniumwillbegin,andtherewillbenoise,andnoise,andnoise—allnightlong—andtherewillbemorethannoise—therewillbepeoplecrippled,therewillbepeoplekilled,therewillbepeoplewhowilllosetheireyes,andallthroughthatpermissionwhichwegivetoirresponsibleboystoplaywithfirearmsandfire—crackers,andallsortsofdangerousthings。WeturnthatFourthofJuly,alas！overtorowdiestodrinkandgetdrunkandmakethenighthideous,andwecrippleandkillmorepeoplethanyouwouldimagine。
　　WeprobablybegantocelebrateourFourth—of—Julynightinthatwayonehundredandtwenty—fiveyearsago,andoneveryFourth—of—Julynightsincethesehorrorshavegrownandgrown,untilnow,inourfivethousandtownsofAmerica,somebodygetskilledorcrippledoneveryFourth—of—Julynight,besidesthosecasesofsickpersonswhomweneverhearof,whodieastheresultofthenoiseortheshock。TheycrippleandkillmorepeopleontheFourthofJulyinAmericathantheykillandcrippleinourwarsnowadays,andtherearenopensionsforthesefolk。And,too,weburnhouses。ReallywedestroymorepropertyoneveryFourth—of—JulynightthanthewholeoftheUnitedStateswasworthonehundredandtwenty—fiveyearsago。
　　ReallyourFourthofJulyisourdayofmourning,ourdayofsorrow。
　　Fiftythousandpeoplewhohavelostfriends,orwhohavehadfriendscrippled,receivethatFourthofJuly,whenitcomes,asadayofmourningforthelossestheyhavesustainedintheirfamilies。
　　Ihavesufferedinthatwaymyself。Ihavehadrelativeskilledinthatway。OnewasinChicagoyearsago—anuncleofmine,justasgoodanuncleasIhaveeverhad,andIhadlotsofthem—yes,unclestoburn,unclestospare。Thispooruncle,fullofpatriotism,openedhismouthtohurrah,andarocketwentdownhisthroat。Beforethatmancouldaskforadrinkofwatertoquenchthatthing,itblewupandscatteredhimallovertheforty—fiveStates,and—really,now,thisistrue—Iknowaboutitmyself—twenty—fourhoursafterthatitwasrainingbuttons,recognizableashis,ontheAtlanticseaboard。A
　　personcannothaveadisasterlikethatandbeentirelycheerfultherestofhislife。Ihadanotheruncle,onanentirelydifferentFourthofJuly,whowasblownupthatway,andreallyittrimmedhimasitwouldatree。Hehadhardlyalimbleftonhimanywhere。Allwehaveleftnowisanexpurgatededitionofthatuncle。Butnevermindaboutthesethings;theyaremerelypassingmatters。Don'tletmemakeyousad。
　　SirMortimerDurandsaidthatyou,theEnglishpeople,gaveupyourcoloniesoverthere—gottiredofthem—anddiditwithreluctance。NowIwishyoujusttoconsiderthathewasrightaboutthat,andthathehadhisreasonsforsayingthatEnglanddidnotlookuponourRevolutionasaforeignwar,butasacivilwarfoughtbyEnglishmen。
　　OurFourthofJulywhichwehonorsomuch,andwhichwelovesomuch,andwhichwetakesomuchpridein,isanEnglishinstitution,notanAmericanone,anditcomesofagreatancestry。ThefirstFourthofJulyinthatnoblegenealogydatesbacksevencenturieslackingeightyears。ThatisthedayoftheGreatCharter—theMagnaCharta—whichwasbornatRunnymedeinthenexttothelastyearofKingJohn,andportionsofthelibertiessecuredthusbythosehardyBaronsfromthatreluctantKingJohnareapartofourDeclarationofIndependence,ofourFourthofJuly,ofourAmericanliberties。AndthesecondofthoseFourthsofJulywasnotbornuntilfourcenturieslater,inCharlestheFirst'stimeintheBillofRights,andthatisours,thatispartofourliberties。ThenextonewasstillEnglish,inNewEngland,wheretheyestablishedthatprinciplewhichremainswithustothisday,andinwillcontinuetoremainwithus—notaxationwithout—representation。Thatisalwaysgoingtostand,andthattheEnglishColoniesinNewEnglandgaveus。
　　TheFourthofJuly,andtheonewhichyouarecelebratingnow,borninPhiladelphiaonthe4thofJuly,1776—thatisEnglish,too。
　　ItisnotAmerican。ThosewereEnglishcolonists,subjectsofKingGeorgeIII。,Englishmenatheart,whoprotestedagainsttheoppressionsoftheHomeGovernment。Thoughtheyproposedtocurethoseoppressionsandremovethem,stillremainingundertheCrown,theywerenotintendingarevolution。Therevolutionwasbroughtaboutbycircumstanceswhichtheycouldnotcontrol。TheDeclarationofIndependencewaswrittenbyaBritishsubject,everynamesignedtoitwasthenameofaBritishsubject。TherewasnotthenameofasingleAmericanattachedtotheDeclarationofIndependence—infact,therewasnotanAmericaninthecountryinthatdayexcepttheIndiansoutontheplains。TheywereEnglishmen,allEnglishmen—
　　Americansdidnotbeginuntilsevenyearslater,whenthatFourthofJulyhadbecomesevenyearsold,andthentheAmericanRepublicwasestablished。SincethentherehavebeenAmericans。SoyouseewhatweowetoEnglandinthematterofliberties。
　　Wehave,however,oneFourthofJulywhichisabsolutelyourown,andthatisthatgreatproclamationissuedfortyyearsagobythatgreatAmericantowhomSirMortimerDurandpaidthatjustandbeautifultribute—AbrahamLincoln。Lincoln'sproclamation,whichnotonlysettheblackslavesfree,butsetthewhitemanfreealso。
　　Theownerwassetfreefromtheburdenandoffence,thatsadconditionofthingswherehewasinsomanyinstancesamasterandownerofslaveswhenhedidnotwanttobe。Thatproclamationsetthemallfree。ButeveninthismatterEnglandsuggestedit,forEnglandhadsetherslavesfreethirtyyearsbefore,andwefollowedherexample。Wealwaysfollowedherexample,whetheritwasgoodorbad。
　　AnditwasanEnglishjudgethatissuedthatothergreatproclamation,andestablishedthatgreatprinciplethat,whenaslave,lethimbelongtowhomhemay,andlethimcomewhencehemay,setshisfootuponEnglishsoil,hisfettersbythatactfallawayandheisafreemanbeforetheworld。Wefollowedtheexampleof1833,andwefreedourslavesasIhavesaid。
　　Itistrue,then,thatallourFourthsofJuly,andwehavefiveofthem,Englandgavetous,exceptthatonethatIhavementioned—
　　theEmancipationProclamation,and,lestweforget,letusallrememberthatweowethesethingstoEngland。LetusbeabletosaytoOldEngland,thisgreat—hearted,venerableoldmotheroftherace,yougaveusourFourthsofJulythatweloveandthatwehonorandrevere,yougaveustheDeclarationofIndependence,whichistheCharterofourrights,you,thevenerableMotherofLiberties,theProtectorofAnglo—SaxonFreedom—yougaveusthesethings,andwedomosthonestlythankyouforthem。
　　AMERICANSANDTHEENGLISH。
　　ADDRESSATAGATHERINGOFAMERICANSIN
　　LONDON,JULY4,1872。
　　MR。CHAIRMANANDLADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—Ithankyouforthecomplimentwhichhasjustbeentenderedme,andtoshowmyappreciationofitIwillnotafflictyouwithmanywords。Itispleasanttocelebrateinthispeacefulway,uponthisoldmothersoil,theanniversaryofanexperimentwhichwasbornofwarwiththissamelandsolongago,andwroughtouttoasuccessfulissuebythedevotionofourancestors。IthastakennearlyahundredyearstobringtheEnglishandAmericansintokindlyandmutuallyappreciativerelations,butIbelieveithasbeenaccomplishedatlast。Itwasagreatstepwhenthetwolastmisunderstandingsweresettledbyarbitrationinsteadofcannon。ItisanothergreatstepwhenEnglandadoptsoursewing—machineswithoutclaimingtheinvention—asusual。Itwasanotherwhentheyimportedoneofoursleeping—carstheotherday。AnditwarmedmyheartmorethanIcantell,yesterday,whenIwitnessedthespectacleofanEnglishmanorderinganAmericansherrycobblerofhisownfreewillandaccord—
　　andnotonlythatbutwithagreatbrainandalevelheadremindingthebarkeepernottoforgetthestrawberries。Withacommonorigin,acommonlanguage,acommonliterature,acommonreligion,and—commondrinks,whatislongerneedfultothecementingofthetwonationstogetherinapermanentbondofbrotherhood？
　　Thisisanageofprogress,andoursisaprogressiveland。A
　　greatandgloriousland,too—alandwhichhasdevelopedaWashington,aFranklin,aWm。M。Tweed,aLongfellow,aMotley,aJayGould,aSamuelC。Pomeroy,arecentCongresswhichhasneverhaditsequal（insomerespects）,andaUnitedStatesArmywhichconqueredsixtyIndiansineightmonthsbytiringthemout—whichismuchbetterthanuncivilizedslaughter,Godknows。Wehaveacriminaljurysystemwhichissuperiortoanyintheworldanditsefficiencyisonlymarredbythedifficultyoffindingtwelvemeneverydaywhodon'tknowanythingandcan'tread。AndImayobservethatwehaveaninsanitypleathatwouldhavesavedCain。IthinkIcansay,andsaywithpride,thatwehavesomelegislaturesthatbringhigherpricesthananyintheworld。
　　Ireferwitheffusiontoourrailwaysystem,whichcontentstoletuslive,thoughitmightdotheopposite,beingourowners。Itonlydestroyedthreethousandandseventyliveslastyearbycollisions,andtwenty—seventhousandtwohundredandsixtybyrunningoverheedlessandunnecessarypeopleatcrossings。Thecompaniesseriouslyregrettedthekillingofthesethirtythousandpeople,andwentsofarastopayforsomeofthem—voluntarily,ofcourse,forthemeanestofuswouldnotclaimthatwepossessacourttreacherousenoughtoenforcealawagainstarailwaycompany。But,thankHeaven,therailwaycompaniesaregenerallydisposedtodotherightandkindlythingwithoutcompulsion。Iknowofaninstancewhichgreatlytouchedmeatthetime。Afteranaccidentthecompanysenthometheremainsofadeardistantoldrelativeofmineinabasket,withtheremark,"Pleasestatewhatfigureyouholdhimat—andreturnthebasket。"Nowtherecouldn'tbeanythingfriendlierthanthat。
　　ButImustnotstandhereandbragallnight。However,youwon'tmindabodybraggingalittleabouthiscountryontheFourthofJuly。
　　Itisafairandlegitimatetimetoflytheeagle。Iwillsayonlyonemorewordofbrag—andahopefulone。Itisthis。Wehaveaformofgovernmentwhichgiveseachmanafairchanceandnofavor。Withusnoindividualisbornwitharighttolookdownuponhisneighborandholdhimincontempt。Letsuchofusasarenotdukesfindourconsolationinthat。Andwemayfindhopeforthefutureinthefactthatasunhappyasistheconditionofourpoliticalmoralityto—day,EnglandhasrisenupoutofafarfoulersincethedayswhenCharlesI。ennobledcourtesansandallpoliticalplacewasamatterofbargainandsale。Thereishopeforusyet。*
　　*AtleasttheaboveisthespeechwhichIwasgoingtomake,butourminister,GeneralSchenck,presided,andaftertheblessing,gotupandmadeagreat,long,inconceivablydullharangue,andwoundupbysayingthatinasmuchasspeech—makingdidnotseemtoexhilaratetheguestsmuch,allfurtheroratorywouldbedispensedwithduringtheevening,andwecouldjustsitandtalkprivatelytoourelbow—neighborsandhaveagood,sociabletime。Itisknownthatinconsequenceofthatremarkforty—fourperfectedspeechesdiedinthewomb。Thedepression,thegloom,thesolemnitythatreignedoverthebanquetfromthattimeforthwillbealastingmemorywithmanythatwerethere。BythatonethoughtlessremarkGeneralSchencklostforty—fourofthebestfriendshehadinEngland。Morethanonesaidthatnight:"Andthisisthesortofpersonthatissenttorepresentusinagreatsisterempire！"
　　ABOUTLONDON。
　　ADDRESSATADINNERGIVENBYTHESAVAGECLUB,LONDON,SEPTEMBER28,1872。
　　ReportedbyMoncureD。ConwayintheCincinnatiCommercial。
　　ITaffordsmesincerepleasuretomeetthisdistinguishedclub,aclubwhichhasextendeditshospitalitiesanditscordialwelcometosomanyofmycountrymen。Ihope[andherethespeaker'svoicebecamelowandfluttering]youwillexcusetheseclothes。Iamgoingtothetheatre;thatwillexplaintheseclothes。Ihaveotherclothesthanthese。JudginghumannaturebywhatIhaveseenofit,Isupposethatthecustomarythingforastrangertodowhenhestandshereistomakeapunonthenameofthisclub,undertheimpression,ofcourse,thatheisthefirstmanthatthatideahasoccurredto。Itisacredittoourhumannature,notablemishuponit;foritshowsthatunderlyingallourdepravity（andGodknowsandyouknowwearedepravedenough）andalloursophistication,anduntarnishedbythem,thereisasweetgermofinnocenceandsimplicitystill。Whenastrangersaystome,withaglowofinspirationinhiseye,somegentle,innocuouslittlethingabout"Twainandoneflesh,"andallthatsortofthing,Idon'ttrytocrushthatmanintotheearth—no。Ifeellikesaying:"Letmetakeyoubythehand,sir;letmeembraceyou;Ihavenotheardthatpunforweeks。"Wewilldealinpalpablepuns。WewillcallpartiesnamedKing"YourMajesty,"
　　andwewillsaytotheSmithsthatwethinkwehaveheardthatnamebeforesomewhere。Suchishumannature。Wecannotalterthis。ItisGodthatmadeussoforsomegoodandwisePurpose。Letusnotrepine。
　　ButthoughImayseemstrange,mayseemeccentric,Imeantorefrainfrompunninguponthenameofthisclub,thoughIcouldmakeaverygoodoneifIhadtimetothinkaboutit—aweek。
　　IcannotexpresstoyouwhatentireenjoymentIfindinthisfirstvisittothisprodigiousmetropolisofyours。Itswondersseemtometobelimitless。Igoaboutasinadream—asinarealmofenchantment—wheremanythingsarerareandbeautiful,andallthingsarestrangeandmarvellous。HourafterhourIstand—Istandspellbound,asitwere—andgazeuponthestatuaryinLeicesterSquare。[LeicesterSquarebeingahorriblechaos,withtherelicofanequestrianstatueinthecentre,thekingbeingheadlessandlimbless,andthehorseinlittlebettercondition。]IvisitthemortuaryeffigiesofnobleoldHenryVIII。,andJudgeJeffreys,andthepreservedgorilla,andtrytomakeupmymindwhichofmyancestorsIadmirethemost。IgotothatmatchlessHydeParkanddriveallaroundit,andthenIstarttoenteritattheMarbleArch—and—aminducedto"changemymind。"[CabsarenotpermittedinHydePark—