gohome,andtrytolearntobehave！
　　However,chaffandnonsenseaside,IthinkIhonorandappreciateyourPilgrimstockasmuchasyoudoyourselves,perhaps;andI
　　endorseandadoptasentimentutteredbyagrandfatherofmineonce—amanofsturdyopinions,ofsinceremakeofmind,andnotgiventoflattery。Hesaid:"PeoplemaytalkastheylikeaboutthatPilgrimstock,but,afterall'ssaidanddone,itwouldbeprettyhardtoimproveonthosepeople;and,asforme,Idon'tmindcomingoutflat—footedandsayingthereain'tanywaytoimproveonthem—
　　excepthavingthemborninMissouri！"
　　COMPLIMENTSANDDEGREES。
　　DELIVEREDATTHELOTOSCLUB,JANUARY11,1908。
　　InintroducingMr。Clemens,FrankR。Lawrence,thePresidentoftheLotosClub,recalledthefactthatthefirstclubdinnerinthepresentclub—house,somefourteenyearsago,wasinhonorofMarkTwain。
　　IWISHtobeginthistimeatthebeginning,lestIforgetitaltogether;thatistosay,Iwishtothankyouforthiswelcomethatyouaregiving,andthewelcomewhichyougavemesevenyearsago,andwhichIforgottothankyouforatthattime。Ialsowishtothankyouforthewelcomeyougavemefourteenyearsago,whichI
　　alsoforgottothankyouforatthetime。
　　IhopeyouwillcontinuethiscustomtogivemeadinnereverysevenyearsbeforeIjointhehostsintheotherworld—Idonotknowwhichworld。
　　Mr。LawrenceandMr。Porterhavepaidmemanycompliments。Itisverydifficulttotakecompliments。Idonotcarewhetheryoudeservethecomplimentsornot,itisjustasdifficulttotakethem。TheothernightIwasattheEngineers'Club,andenjoyedthesufferingsofMr。Carnegie。Theywerecomplimentinghimthere;thereitwasallcompliments,andnoneofthemdeserved。Theysaythatyoucannotlivebybreadalone,butIcanliveoncompliments。
　　IdonotmakeanypretencethatIdislikecompliments。Thestrongerthebetter,andIcanmanagetodigestthem。IthinkIhavelostsomuchbynotmakingacollectionofcompliments,toputthemawayandtakethemoutagainonceinawhile。WheninEnglandIsaidthatIwouldstarttocollectcompliments,andIbeganthereandI
　　havebroughtsomeofthemalong。
　　Thefirstoneoftheselies—Iwrotethemdownandpreservedthem—I
　　thinktheyaremightygoodandextremelyjust。ItisoneofHamiltonMabie'scompliments。HesaidthatLaSallewasthefirstonetomakeavoyageoftheMississippi,butMarkTwainwasthefirsttochart,light,andnavigateitforthewholeworld。
　　IfthathadbeenpublishedatthetimethatIissuedthatbook[LifeontheMississippi],itwouldhavebeenmoneyinmypocket。Itellyou,itisatalentbyitselftopaycomplimentsgracefullyandhavethemringtrue。It'sanartbyitself。
　　HereisanothercomplimentbyAlbertBigelowPaine,mybiographer。
　　Heiswritingfouroctavovolumesaboutme,andhehasbeenatmyelbowtwoandone—halfyears。
　　Ijustsupposethathedoesnotknowme,butsaysheknowsme。Hesays"MarkTwainisnotmerelyagreatwriter,agreatphilosopher,agreatman;heisthesupremeexpressionofthehumanbeing,withhisstrengthandhisweakness。"Whatatalentforcompression！Ittakesageniusincompressiontocompactasmanyfactsasthat。
　　W。D。HowellsspokeofmeasfirstofHartford,andultimatelyofthesolarsystem,nottosayoftheuniverse。
　　YouknowhowmodestHowellsis。IfitcanbeprovedthatmyfamereachestoNeptuneandSaturn,thatwillsatisfyevenme。YouknowhowmodestandretiringHowellsseemstobe,butdeepdownheisasvainasIam。
　　Mr。HowellshadbeengrantedadegreeatOxford,whosegownwasred。
　　HehadbeeninvitedtoanexerciseatColumbia,anduponinquiryhadbeentoldthatitwasusualtoweartheblackgown。Laterhehadfoundthatthreeothermenworebrightgowns,andhehadlamentedthathehadbeenoneoftheblackmass,andnotaredtorch。
　　Edisonwrote:"TheaverageAmericanloveshisfamily。Ifhehasanyloveleftoverforsomeotherperson,hegenerallyselectsMarkTwain。"
　　Nowhere'sthecomplimentofalittleMontanagirlwhichcametomeindirectly。Shewasinaroominwhichtherewasalargephotographofme。Aftergazingatitsteadilyforatime,shesaid:
　　"We'vegotaJohntheBaptistlikethat。"Shealsosaid:"Onlyourshasmoretrimmings。"
　　Isupposeshemeantthehalo。Nowhereisagold—miner'scompliment。
　　Itisforty—twoyearsold。ItwasmyintroductiontoanaudiencetowhichIlecturedinalogschool—house。Therewerenoladiesthere。
　　Iwasn'tfamousthen。Theydidn'tknowme。Onlytheminerswerethere,withtheirbreechestuckedintotheirboot—topsandwithclayalloverthem。Theywantedsomeonetointroduceme,andtheyselectedaminer,whoprotested,saying:
　　"Idon'tknowanythingaboutthisman。Anyhow,Ionlyknowtwothingsabouthim。Oneis,hehasneverbeeninjail,andtheotheris,Idon'tknowwhy。"
　　There'sonethingIwanttosayaboutthatEnglishtrip。IknewhisMajestytheKingofEnglandlongyearsago,andIdidn'tmeethimforthefirsttimethen。OnethingthatIregretwasthatsomenewspaperssaidItalkedwiththeQueenofEnglandwithmyhaton。I
　　don'tdothatwithanywoman。Ididnotputitonuntilsheaskedmeto。Thenshetoldmetoputiton,andit'sacommandthere。IthoughtIhadcarriedmyAmericandemocracyfarenough。SoIputiton。Ihavenouseforahat,andneverdidhave。
　　WhowasitwhosaidthatthepoliceofLondonknewme？Why,thepoliceknowmeeverywhere。Thereneverwasadayovertherewhenapolicemandidnotsaluteme,andthenputuphishandandstopthetrafficoftheworld。TheytreatedmeasthoughIwereaduchess。
　　ThehappiestexperienceIhadinEnglandwasatadinnergiveninthebuildingofthePunchpublication,ahumorouspaperwhichisappreciatedbyallEnglishmen。Itwasthegreatestprivilegeeverallowedaforeigner。Ienteredthedining—roomofthebuilding,wherethosemengettogetherwhohavebeenrunningthepaperforoverfiftyyears。Wewereabouttobegindinnerwhenthetoastmastersaid:"Justaminute;thereoughttobealittleceremony。"Thentherewasthatmeditatingsilenceforawhile,andoutofaclosettherecameabeautifullittlegirldressedinpink,holdinginherhandacopyofthepreviousweek'spaper,whichhadinitmycartoon。Itbrokemeallup。Icouldnotevensay"Thankyou。"Thatwastheprettiestincidentofthedinner,thedelightofallthatwonderfultable。Whenshewasabouttogo,Isaid,"Mychild,youarenotgoingtoleaveme;Ihavehardlygotacquaintedwithyou。"Shereplied,"YouknowI'vegottogo;theyneverletmecomeinherebefore,andtheyneverwillagain。"ThatisoneofthebeautifulincidentsthatIcherish。
　　[Attheconclusionofhisspeech,andwhilethedinerswerestillcheeringhim,ColonelPorterbroughtforwardthered—and—graygownoftheOxford"doctor,"andMr。Clemenswasmadetodonit。Thedinersrosetotheirfeetintheirenthusiasm。Withthemortar—boardonhishead,andlookingdownadmiringlyathimself,Mr。Twainsaid:]
　　Ilikethatgown。Ialwaysdidlikered。TheredderitisthebetterIlikeit。Iwasbornforasavage。Now,whoeversawanyredlikethis？Thereisnoredoutsidethearteriesofanarchangelthatcouldcomparewiththis。Iknowyouallenvyme。Iamgoingtohaveluncheonshortlywithladies—justladies。Iwillbetheonlyladyofmysexpresent,andIshallputonthisgownandmakethoseladieslookdim。
　　BOOKS,AUTHORS,ANDHATS。
　　ADDRESSATTHEPILGRIMS'CLUBLUNCHEON,GIVEN
　　INHONOROFMR。CLEMENSATTHESAVOY
　　HOTEL,LONDON,JUNE25,1907。
　　Mr。Birrell,M。P。,Chief—SecretaryforIreland,inintroducingMr。
　　Clemenssaid:"WeallloveMarkTwain,andweareheretotellhimso。
　　Onemorepoint—alltheworldknowsit,andthatiswhyitisdangeroustoomitit—ourguestisadistinguishedcitizenoftheGreatRepublicbeyondtheseas。InAmericahisHuckleberryFinnandhisTomSawyerarewhatRobinsonCrusoeandTomBrown'sSchoolDayshavebeentous。Theyareracyofthesoil。Theyarebookstowhichitisimpossibletoplaceanyperiodoftermination。Iwillnotspeakoftheclassics—reminiscencesofmuchevilinourearlylives。Wedonotmeethereto—dayascriticswithourappreciationsanddepreciations,ourtwo—pennylittleprefacesorourforewords。IamnotgoingtosaywhattheworldathousandyearshencewillthinkofMarkTwain。Posteritywilltakecareofitself,willreadwhatitwantstoread,willforgetwhatitchoosestoforget,andwillpaynoattentionwhatsoevertoourcriticalmumblingsandjumblings。Letusthereforebecontenttosaytoourfriendandguestthatweareherespeakingforourselvesandforourchildren,tosaywhathehasbeentous。IrememberinLiverpool,in1867,firstbuyingthecopy,whichIstillpreserve,ofthecelebratedJumpingFrog。Ithadafewwordsofprefacewhichremindedmethenthatourguestinthosedayswascalled'thewildhumoristofthePacificslope,'andafewlineslaterdown,'themoralistoftheMain。'Thatwassomefortyyearsago。
　　Hereheis,stillthehumorist,stillthemoralist。Hishumorenlivensandenlightenshismorality,andhismoralityisallthebetterforhishumor。Thatisoneofthereasonswhywelovehim。Iamnotheretomentionanybookofhis—thatisasubjectofdisputeinmyfamilycircle,whichisthebestandwhichisthenextbest—butI
　　mustputinaword,lestIshouldnotbetruetomyself—aterriblething—forhisJoanofArc,abookofchivalry,ofnobility,andofmanlysincerityforwhichItakethisopportunityofthankinghim。Butyoucanalldrinkthistoast,eachoneofyouwithhisownintention。Youcangetintoitwhatmeaningyoulike。MarkTwainisamanwhomEnglishandAmericansdowelltohonor。Heisthetrueconsolidatorofnations。Hisdelightfulhumorisofthekindwhichdissipatesanddestroysnationalprejudices。Histruthandhishonor,hisloveoftruth,andhisloveofhonor,overflowallboundaries。Hehasmadetheworldbetterbyhispresence。Werejoicetoseehimhere。Longmayhelivetoreaptheplentifulharvestofhearty,honesthumanaffection！"
　　PILGRIMS,IdesirefirsttothankthoseundergraduatesofOxford。
　　WhenamanhasgrownsooldasIam,whenhehasreachedthevergeofseventy—twoyears,thereisnothingthatcarrieshimbacktothedreamlandofhislife,tohisboyhood,likerecognitionofthoseyoungheartsupyonder。AndsoIthankthemoutofmyheart。IdesiretothankthePilgrimsofNewYorkalsofortheirkindnoticeandmessagewhichtheyhavecabledoverhere。Mr。Birrellsayshedoesnotknowhowhegothere。Buthewillbeabletogetawayallright—hehasnotdrunkanythingsincehecamehere。Iamgladtoknowaboutthosefriendsofhis,OtwayandChatterton—fresh,newnamestome。
　　Iamgladofthedispositionhehasshowntorescuethemfromtheevilsofpoverty,andiftheyarestillinLondon,Ihopetohaveatalkwiththem。ForawhileIthoughthewasgoingtotellustheeffectwhichmybookhaduponhisgrowingmanhood。Ithoughthewasgoingtotellushowmuchthateffectamountedto,andwhetheritreallymadehimwhathenowis,butwiththediscretionbornofParliamentaryexperiencehedodgedthat,andwedonotknownowwhetherhereadthebookornot。Hedidthatveryneatly。Icouldnotdoitanybettermyself。
　　Mybookshavehadeffects,andverygoodones,too,hereandthere,andsomeothersnotsogood。Thereisnodoubtaboutthat。
　　ButIrememberonemonumentalinstanceofityearsandyearsago。
　　ProfessorNorton,ofHarvard,wasoverhere,andwhenhecamebacktoBostonIwentoutwithHowellstocallonhim。NortonwasalliedinsomewaybymarriagewithDarwin。Mr。Nortonwasverygentleinwhathehadtosay,andalmostdelicate,andhesaid:"Mr。Clemens,I
　　havebeenspendingsometimewithMr。DarwininEngland,andI
　　shouldliketotellyousomethingconnectedwiththatvisit。Youweretheobjectofit,andImyselfwouldhavebeenveryproudofit,butyoumaynotbeproudofit。Atanyrate,Iamgoingtotellyouwhatitwas,andtoleavetoyoutoregarditasyouplease。Mr。
　　Darwintookmeuptohisbedroomandpointedoutcertainthingsthere—
　　pitcher—plants,andsoon,thathewasmeasuringandwatchingfromdaytoday—andhesaid:'Thechambermaidispermittedtodowhatshepleasesinthisroom,butshemustnevertouchthoseplantsandnevertouchthosebooksonthattablebythatcandle。WiththosebooksIreadmyselftosleepeverynight。'Thosewereyourownbooks。"I
　　said:"ThereisnoquestiontomymindastowhetherIshouldregardthatasacomplimentornot。Idoregarditasaverygreatcomplimentandaveryhighhonorthatthatgreatmind,laboringforthewholehumanrace,shouldrestitselfonmybooks。Iamproudthatheshouldreadhimselftosleepwiththem。"
　　Now,Icouldnotkeepthattomyself—Iwassoproudofit。AssoonasIgothometoHartfordIcalledupmyoldestfriend—anddearestenemyonoccasion—theRev。JosephTwichell,mypastor,andItoldhimaboutthat,and,ofcourse,hewasfullofinterestandvenom。Thosepeoplewhogetnocomplimentslikethatfeellikethat。
　　Hewentoff。Hedidnotissueanyapplauseofanykind,andIdidnothearofthatsubjectforsometime。ButwhenMr。Darwinpassedawayfromthislife,andsometimeafterDarwin'sLifeandLetterscameout,theRev。Mr。Twichellprocuredanearlycopyofthatworkandfoundsomethinginitwhichheconsideredappliedtome。Hecameovertomyhouse—itwassnowing,raining,sleeting,butthatdidnotmakeanydifferencetoTwichell。Heproducedthebook,andturnedoverandover,untilhecametoacertainplace,whenhesaid:"Here,lookatthisletterfromMr。DarwintoSirJosephHooker。"WhatMr。Darwinsaid—Igiveyoutheideaandnottheverywords—wasthis:IdonotknowwhetherIoughttohavedevotedmywholelifetothesedrudgeriesinnaturalhistoryandtheothersciencesornot,forwhileImayhavegainedinonewayIhavelostinanother。OnceIhadafineperceptionandappreciationofhighliterature,butinmethatqualityisatrophied。"Thatwasthereason,"saidMr。Twichell,"hewasreadingyourbooks。"
　　Mr。Birrellhastouchedlightly—verylightly,butinnotanuncomplimentaryway—onmypositioninthisworldasamoralist。I
　　amgladtohavethatrecognition,too,becauseIhavesufferedsinceI
　　havebeeninthistown;inthefirstplace,rightaway,whenIcamehere,fromanewsmangoingaroundwithagreatred,highlydisplayedplacardintheplaceofanapron。Hewassellingnewspapers,andthereweretwosentencesonthatplacardwhichwouldhavebeenallrightiftheyhadbeenpunctuated;buttheyranthosetwosentencestogetherwithoutacommaoranything,andthatwouldnaturallycreateawrongimpression,becauseitsaid,"MarkTwainarrivesAscotCupstolen。"Nodoubtmanyapersonwasmisledbythosesentencesjoinedtogetherinthatunkindway。Ihavenodoubtmycharacterhassufferedfromit。
　　IsupposeIoughttodefendmycharacter,buthowcanIdefendit？I
　　cansayhereandnow—andanybodycanseebymyfacethatIamsincere,thatIspeakthetruth—thatIhaveneverseenthatCup。I
　　havenotgottheCup—Ididnothaveachancetogetit。Ihavealwayshadagoodcharacterinthatway。Ihavehardlyeverstolenanything,andifIdidstealanythingIhaddiscretionenoughtoknowaboutthevalueofitfirst。Idonotstealthingsthatarelikelytogetmyselfintotrouble。Idonotthinkanyofusdothat。I
　　knowwealltakethings—thatistobeexpected—butreally,Ihavenevertakenanything,certainlyinEngland,thatamountstoanygreatthing。IdoconfessthatwhenIwasheresevenyearsagoIstoleahat,butthatdidnotamounttoanything。Itwasnotagoodhat,andwasonlyaclergyman'shat,anyway。
　　Iwasataluncheonparty,andArchdeaconWilberforcewastherealso。IdaresayheisArchdeaconnow—hewasacanonthen—andhewasservingintheWestminsterbattery,ifthatistheproperterm—Idonotknow,asyoumixmilitaryandecclesiasticalthingstogethersomuch。HelefttheluncheontablebeforeIdid。Hebeganthis。Ididstealhishat,buthebeganbytakingmine。ImakethatinterjectionbecauseIwouldnotaccuseArchdeaconWilberforceofstealingmyhat—Ishouldnotthinkofit。Iconfinethatphrasetomyself。Hemerelytookmyhat。Andwithgoodjudgment,too—itwasabetterhatthanhis。Hecameoutbeforetheluncheonwasover,andsortedthehatsinthehall,andselectedonewhichsuited。Ithappenedtobemine。Hewentoffwithit。WhenIcameoutby—and—bytherewasnohattherewhichwouldgoonmyheadexcepthis,whichwasleftbehind。
　　Myheadwasnotthecustomarysizejustatthattime。Ihadbeenreceivingagoodmanyveryniceandcomplimentaryattentions,andmyheadwasacoupleofsizeslargerthanusual,andhishatjustsuitedme。Thebumpsandcornerswereallrightintellectually。
　　Therewereresultspleasingtome—possiblysotohim。Hefoundoutwhosehatitwas,andwrotemesayingitwaspleasantthatallthewayhome,wheneverhemetanybodyhisgravities,hissolemnities,hisdeepthoughts,hiseloquentremarkswereallsnatchedupbythepeoplehemet,andmistakenforbrillianthumorisms。
　　Ihadanotherexperience。Itwasnotunpleasing。IwasreceivedwithadeferencewhichwasentirelyforeigntomyexperiencebyeverybodywhomImet,sothatbeforeIgothomeIhadamuchhigheropinionofmyselfthanIhaveeverhadbeforeorsince。AndthereisinthatveryconnectionanincidentwhichIrememberatthatolddatewhichisrathermelancholytome,becauseitshowshowapersoncandeteriorateinameresevenyears。Itissevenyearsago。Ihavenotthathatnow。
　　IwasgoingdownPall—Mall,orsomeotherofyourbigstreets,andI
　　recognizedthatthathatneededironing。Iwentintoabigshopandpassedinmyhat,andaskedthatitmightbeironed。Theywerecourteous,verycourteous,evencourtly。Theybroughtthathatbacktomepresentlyverysleekandnice,andIaskedhowmuchtherewastopay。Theyrepliedthattheydidnotchargetheclergyanything。Ihavecherishedthedelightofthatmomentfromthatdaytothis。ItwasthefirstthingIdidtheotherdaytogoandhuntupthatshopandhandinmyhattohaveitironed。Isaidwhenitcameback,"Howmuchtopay？"Theysaid,"Ninepence。"InsevenyearsIhaveacquiredallthatworldliness,andIamsorrytobebackwhereIwassevenyearsago。
　　ButnowIamchaffingandchaffingandchaffinghere,andIhopeyouwillforgivemeforthat;butwhenamanstandsonthevergeofseventy—twoyouknowperfectlywellthatheneverreachedthatplacewithoutknowingwhatthislifeis—heartbreakingbereavement。Andsoourreverenceisforourdead。Wedonotforgetthem;butourdutyistowardtheliving;andifwecanbecheerful,cheerfulinspirit,cheerfulinspeechandinhope,thatisabenefittothosewhoarearoundus。
　　MyownhistoryincludesanincidentwhichwillalwaysconnectmewithEnglandinapatheticway,forwhenIarrivedheresevenyearsagowithmywifeandmydaughter—wehadgonearoundtheglobelecturingtoraisemoneytoclearoffadebt—mywifeandoneofmydaughtersstartedacrosstheoceantobringtoEnglandoureldestdaughter。Shewastwenty—fouryearsofageandinthebloomofyoungwomanhood,andwewereunsuspecting。Whenmywifeanddaughter—andmywifehaspassedfromthislifesince—whentheyhadreachedmid—atlantic,acablegram—oneofthoseheartbreakingcablegramswhichweallinourdayshavetoexperience—wasputintomyhand。Itstatedthatthatdaughterofourshadgonetoherlongsleep。Andso,asI
　　say,Icannotalwaysbecheerful,andIcannotalwaysbechaffing;I
　　mustsometimeslaythecapandbellsaside,andrecognizethatIamofthehumanraceliketherest,andmusthavemycaresandgriefs。AndthereforeInoticedwhatMr。Birrellsaid—Iwassogladtohearhimsayit—somethingthatwasinthenatureoftheseverseshereatthetopofthis:
　　"HelitourlifewithshaftsofsunAndvanquishedpain。
　　ThustwogreatnationsstandasoneInhonoringTwain。"
　　Iamverygladtohavethoseverses。IamverygladandverygratefulforwhatMr。Birrellsaidinthatconnection。IhavereceivedsinceIhavebeenhere,inthisoneweek,hundredsoflettersfromallconditionsofpeopleinEngland—men,women,andchildren—andthereisinthemcompliment,praise,and,aboveallandbetterthanall,thereisinthemanoteofaffection。Praiseiswell,complimentiswell,butaffection—thatisthelastandfinalandmostpreciousrewardthatanymancanwin,whetherbycharacterorachievement,andIamverygratefultohavethatreward。AlltheselettersmakemefeelthathereinEngland—asinAmerica—whenIstandundertheEnglishflag,Iamnotastranger。Iamnotanalien,butathome。
　　DEDICATIONSPEECH。
　　ATTHEDEDICATIONOFTHECOLLEGEOFTHE
　　CITYOFNEWYORK,MAY14,1908。
　　Mr。ClemensworehisgownasDoctorofLaws,OxfordUniversity。
　　AmbassadorBryceandMr。Choatehadmadetheformaladdresses。
　　HOWdifficultindeed,isthehighereducation。Mr。Choateneedsalittleofit。HeisnotonlyshortasastatisticianofNewYork,butheisoff,faroff,inhismathematics。ThefourthousandcitizensofGreaterNewYork,indeed！
　　ButIdon'tthinkitwaswiseorjudiciousonthepartofMr。Choatetoshowthishighereducationhehasobtained。Hesatinthelapofthatgreateducation（Iwasthereatthetime）,andseetheresult—
　　thelamentableresult。Maybeifhehadhadasandwichheretosustainhimtheresultwouldnothavebeensoserious。
　　Forseventy—twoyearsIhavebeenstrivingtoacquirethathighereducationwhichstandsformodestyanddiffidence,anditdoesn'twork。
　　AndthenlookatAmbassadorBryce,whoreferredtohisalmamater,Oxford。Hemightjustaswellhaveincludedme。Well,Iamalaterproduction。
　　IfIamthelatestgraduate,IreallyandsincerelyhopeIamnotthefinalflowerofitssevencenturies;Ihopeitmaygoonforsevenageslonger。
　　DIESCHRECKENDERDEUTSCHENSPRACHE
　　ADDRESSTOTHEVIENNAPRESSCLUB,NOVEMBER21,1897,ASDELIVEREDINGERMAN
　　EShatmichtiefgeruhrt,meineHerren,hiersogastfreundlichempfangenzuwerden,vonKollegenausmeinemeigenenBerufe,indiesemvonmeinereigenenHeimathsoweitentferntemLande。MeinHerzistvollerDankbarkeit,abermeineArmuthandeutschenWortenzwingtmichzugroszerSparzamkeitdesAusdruckes。EntschuldigenSie,meineHerren,daszichverlese,wasichIhnensagenwill。（Erlasabernicht,Anm。d。Ref。）DiedeutscheSprachesprecheichnichtgut,dochhabenmehrereSachverstandigemichversichert,daszichsieschreibewieeinEngel。Magsein—ichweisznicht。HabebisjetztkeineBekanntschaftenmitEngelngehabt。Daskommtspater—wenn'sdemliebenGottgefallt—eshatkeineEile。
　　Seitlange,meineHerren,habeichdieleidenschaftlicheSehnsuchtgehegt,eineRedeaufDeutschzuhalten,abermanhatmir'snieerlaubenwollen。Leute,diekeinGefuhlfurdieKunsthatten,legtenmirimmerHindernisseindenWegundvereiteltenmeinenWunsch—
　　zuweilendurchVorwande,haufigdurchGewalt。ImmersagtendieseLeutezumir:"SchweigenSie,Ew。Hochwohlgeboren！Ruhe,umGotteswillen！
　　SucheeineandereArtundWeise,Dichlastigzumachen。"
　　ImjetzigenFall,wiegewohnlich,istesmirschwieriggeworden,mirdieErlaubniszzuverschaffen。DasComitebedauertesehr,abereskonntemirdieErlaubnisznichtbewilligenwegeneinesGesetzes,dasvonderConcordiaverlangt,siesolldiedeutscheSpracheschnutzen。
　　DuliebeZeit！Wiesohattemanmirdassagenkonnen—mogen—durfen—
　　sollen？IchbinjadertreuesteFreundderdeutschenSprache—undnichtnurjetzt,sondernvonlangeher—javorzwanzigJahrenschon。
　　UndniehabeichdasVerlangengehabt,deredlenSprachezuschaden,imGegentheil,nurgewunscht,siezuverbessern;ichwolltesieblosreformiren。EsistderTraummeinesLebensgewesen。IchhabeschonBesuchebeidenverschiedenendeutschenRegierungenabgestattetundumKontraktegebeten。IchbinjetztnachOesterreichindemselbenAuftraggekommen。IchwurdenureinigeAenderungenanstreben。IchwurdeblosdieSprachmethode—dieuppige,weitschweifigeKonstruktion—
　　zusammenrucken;dieewigeParentheseunterdrucken,abschaffen,vernichten;dieEinfuhrungvonmehralsdreizehnSubjektenineinenSatzverbieten;dasZeitwortsoweitnachvornerucken,bismanesohneFernrohrentdeckenkann。MiteinemWort,meineHerren,ichmochteIhregeliebteSprachevereinfachen,aufdasz,meineHerren,wennSiesiezumGebetbrauchen,mansiedortobenversteht。
　　IchfleheSiean,vonmirsichberathenzulassen,fuhrenSiedieseerwahntenReformenaus。DannwerdenSieeineprachtvolleSprachebesitzenundnachher,wennSieEtwassagenwollen,werdenSiewenigstensselberverstehen,wasSiegesagthaben。Aberoftersheutzutage,wennSieeinenmeilen—langenSatzvonsichgegebenundSiesichetwasangelehnthaben,umauszuruhen,dannmussenSieeineruhrendeNeugierdeempfinden,selbstherauszubringen,wasSieeigentlichgesprochenhaben。VormehrerenTagenhatderKorrespondenteinerhiesigenZeitungeinenSatzzustandegebrachtwelcherhundertundzwolfWorteenthieltunddarinwarensiebenParentheseeingeschachteltundeswurdeDasSubjektsiebenmalgewechselt。DenkenSienur,meineHerren,imLaufederReiseeineseinzigenSatzesmuszdasarme,verfolgte,ermudeteSubjektsiebenmalumsteigen。
　　Nun,wennwirdieerwahntenReformenausfuhren,wird'snichtmehresoargsein。Dochnocheins。IchmochtegerndastrennbareZeitwortaucheinBischenreformiren。IchmochteNiemandthunlassen,wasSchillergethan:DerhatdieganzeGeschichtedesdreizigjahrigenKriegeszwischendiezweiGliedereinestrennbarenZeitworteseingezwangt。DashatsogarDeutschlandselbstemport;undmanhatSchillerdieErlaubniszverweigert,dieGeschichtedeshundertJahrigenKriegeszuverfassen—Gottsei'sgedankt。NachdemalledieseReformenfestgestelltseinwerden,wirddiedeutscheSprachedieedelsteunddieschonsteaufderWeltsein。
　　DaIhnenjetzt,meineHerren,derCharacktermeinerMissionbekanntist,bitteichSie,sofreundlichzuseinundmirIhrewerthvolleHilfezuschenken。HerrPotzlhatdasPublikumglaubenmachenwollen,daszichnachWiengekommenbin,umdieBruckenzuverstopfenunddenVerkehrzuhindern,wahrendichBeobachtungensammleundaufzeichne。LassenSiesichabernichtvonihmanfuhren。
　　MeinehaufigeAnwesenheitaufdenBruckenhateinenganzunschuldigenGrund。Dortgiebt'sdennothigenRaum。Dortkannmaneinenedlen,langen,deutschenSatzausdehnen,dieBruckengelanderentlang,undseinenganzenInhaltmiteinemBlickubersehen。AufdaseineEndedesGelandersklebeichdasersteGliedeinestrennbarenZeitwortesunddasSchluszgliedklebeichan'sandereEnde—dannbreiteichdenLeibdesSatzesdazwischenaus。GewohnlichsindfurmeinenZweckdieBruckenderStadtlanggenug:wennichaberPotzl'sSchriftenstudirenwill,fahreichhinausundbenutzedieherrlicheunendlicheReichsbrucke。AberdasisteineVerleumdung。PotzlschreibtdasschonsteDeutsch。Vielleichtnichtsobiegsamwiedasmeinige,aberinmanchenKleinigkeitenvielbesser。EntschuldigenSiedieseSchmeicheleien。Diesindwohlverdient。NunbringeichmeineRedeum—nein—ichwolltesagen,ichbringesiezumSchlusz。IchbineinFremder—aberhier,unterIhnen,habeichesganzvergessen。Undso,wieder,undnochwieder—bieteichIhnenmeinenherzlichstenDank！
　　HORRORSOFTHEGERMANLANGUAGE。
　　ADDRESSTOTHEVIENNAPRESSCLUB,NOVEMBER21,1897
　　[ALITERALTRANSLATION]。
　　IThasmedeeplytouched,mygentlemen,heresohospitablyreceivedtobe。Fromcolleaguesoutofmyownprofession,inthisfrommyownhomesofardistantland。Myheartisfullofgratitude,butmypovertyofGermanwordsforcesmetogreatereconomyofexpression。
　　Excuseyou,mygentlemen,thatIreadoff,whatIyousaywill。[Buthedidn'tread]。
　　TheGermanlanguagespeakInotgood,buthavenumerousconnoisseursmeassuredthatIherwritelikeanangel。Maybe—maybe—Iknownot。
　　Havetillnownoacquaintancewiththeangelshad。Thatcomeslater—
　　whenitthedearGodplease—ithasnohurry。
　　Sincelong,mygentlemen,haveIthepassionatelongingnursedaspeechonGermantohold,butonehasmenotpermitted。Men,whonofeelingforthearthad,laidmeeverhindranceinthewayandmadenaughtmydesire—sometimesbyexcuses,oftenbyforce。Alwayssaidthesementome:"Keepyoustill,yourHighness！Silence！ForGod'ssakeseekanotherwayandmeansyourselfobnoxioustomake。"
　　Inthepresentcase,asusualitismedifficultbecome,formethepermissiontoobtain。Thecommitteesorroweddeeply,butcouldmethepermissionnotgrantonaccountofalawwhichfromtheConcordiademandssheshalltheGermanlanguageprotect。DuliebeZeit！Howsohadonetomethissaycould—might—dared—should？I
　　amindeedthetruestfriendoftheGermanlanguage—andnotonlynow,butfromlongsince—yes,beforetwentyyearsalready。AndneverhaveIthedesirehadthenoblelanguagetohurt;tothecontrary,onlywishedshetoimprove—Iwouldheronlyreform。Itisthedreamofmylifebeen。IhavealreadyvisitsbythevariousGermangovernmentspaidandforcontractsprayed。IamnowtoAustriainthesametaskcome。Iwouldonlysomechangeseffect。Iwouldonlythelanguagemethod—theluxurious,elaborateconstructioncompress,theeternalparenthesissuppress,doawaywith,annihilate;theintroductionofmorethanthirteensubjectsinonesentenceforbid;
　　theverbsofartothefrontpullthatoneitwithoutatelescopediscovercan。Withoneword,mygentlemen,Iwouldyourbelovedlanguagesimplifysothat,mygentlemen,whenyouherforprayerneed,Oneheryonder—upunderstands。