Whileheissooccupied,Iwilltellyou,reader,whattheyare:andfirst,Imustpremisethattheyarenothingwonderful。Thesubjectshad,indeed,risenvividlyonmymind。AsIsawthemwiththespiritualeye,beforeIattemptedtoembodythem,theywerestriking;butmyhandwouldnotsecondmyfancy,andineachcaseithadwroughtoutbutapaleportraitofthethingIhadconceived。
Thesepictureswereinwater—colours。Thefirstrepresentedcloudslowandlivid,rollingoveraswollensea:allthedistancewasineclipse;so,too,wastheforeground;orrather,thenearestbillows,fortherewasnoland。Onegleamoflightliftedintoreliefahalf—submergedmast,onwhichsatacormorant,darkandlarge,withwingsfleckedwithfoam;itsbeakheldagoldbraceletsetwithgems,thatIhadtouchedwithasbrillianttintsasmypalettecouldyield,andasglitteringdistinctnessasmypencilcouldimpart。Sinkingbelowthebirdandmast,adrownedcorpseglancedthroughthegreenwater;afairarmwastheonlylimbclearlyvisible,whencethebracelethadbeenwashedortorn。
Thesecondpicturecontainedforforegroundonlythedimpeakofahill,withgrassandsomeleavesslantingasifbyabreeze。Beyondandabovespreadanexpanseofsky,darkblueasattwilight:risingintotheskywasawoman’sshapetothebust,portrayedintintsasduskandsoftasIcouldcombine。Thedimforeheadwascrownedwithastar;thelineamentsbelowwereseenasthroughthesuffusionofvapour;theeyesshonedarkandwild;thehairstreamedshadowy,likeabeamlesscloudtornbystormorbyelectrictravail。Onthenecklayapalereflectionlikemoonlight;thesamefaintlustretouchedthetrainofthincloudsfromwhichroseandbowedthisvisionoftheEveningStar。
Thethirdshowedthepinnacleofanicebergpiercingapolarwintersky:amusterofnorthernlightsrearedtheirdimlances,closeserried,alongthehorizon。Throwingtheseintodistance,rose,intheforeground,ahead,—acolossalhead,inclinedtowardstheiceberg,andrestingagainstit。Twothinhands,joinedundertheforehead,andsupportingit,drewupbeforethelowerfeaturesasableveil,abrowquitebloodless,whiteasbone,andaneyehollowandfixed,blankofmeaningbutfortheglassinessofdespair,alonewerevisible。Abovethetemples,amidstwreathedturbanfoldsofblackdrapery,vagueinitscharacterandconsistencyascloud,gleamedaringofwhiteflame,gemmedwithsparklesofamoreluridtinge。Thispalecrescentwas“thelikenessofakinglycrown;”whatitdiademedwas“theshapewhichshapehadnone。”
“Wereyouhappywhenyoupaintedthesepictures?”askedMr。Rochesterpresently。
“Iwasabsorbed,sir:yes,andIwashappy。Topaintthem,inshort,wastoenjoyoneofthekeenestpleasuresIhaveeverknown。”
“Thatisnotsayingmuch。Yourpleasures,byyourownaccount,havebeenfew;butIdaresayyoudidexistinakindofartist’sdreamlandwhileyoublentandarrangedthesestrangetints。Didyousitatthemlongeachday?”
“Ihadnothingelsetodo,becauseitwasthevacation,andIsatatthemfrommorningtillnoon,andfromnoontillnight:thelengthofthemidsummerdaysfavouredmyinclinationtoapply。”
“Andyoufeltself—satisfiedwiththeresultofyourardentlabours?”
“Farfromit。Iwastormentedbythecontrastbetweenmyideaandmyhandiwork:ineachcaseIhadimaginedsomethingwhichIwasquitepowerlesstorealise。”
“Notquite:youhavesecuredtheshadowofyourthought;butnomore,probably。Youhadnotenoughoftheartist’sskillandsciencetogiveitfullbeing:yetthedrawingsare,foraschool—girl,peculiar。Astothethoughts,theyareelfish。TheseeyesintheEveningStaryoumusthaveseeninadream。Howcouldyoumakethemlooksoclear,andyetnotatallbrilliant?fortheplanetabovequellstheirrays。Andwhatmeaningisthatintheirsolemndepth?Andwhotaughtyoutopaintwind。Thereisahighgaleinthatsky,andonthishill—top。WheredidyouseeLatmos?ForthatisLatmos。There!putthedrawingsaway!”
Ihadscarcetiedthestringsoftheportfolio,when,lookingathiswatch,hesaidabruptly—
“Itisnineo’clock:whatareyouabout,MissEyre,toletAdèlesitupsolong?Takehertobed。”
Adèlewenttokisshimbeforequittingtheroom:heenduredthecaress,butscarcelyseemedtorelishitmorethanPilotwouldhavedone,norsomuch。
“Iwishyouallgood—night,now,”saidhe,makingamovementofthehandtowardsthedoor,intokenthathewastiredofourcompany,andwishedtodismissus。Mrs。Fairfaxfoldedupherknitting:Itookmyportfolio:wecurtseyedtohim,receivedafrigidbowinreturn,andsowithdrew。
“YousaidMr。Rochesterwasnotstrikinglypeculiar,Mrs。Fairfax,”Iobserved,whenIrejoinedherinherroom,afterputtingAdèletobed。
“Well,ishe?”
“Ithinkso:heisverychangefulandabrupt。”
“True:nodoubthemayappearsotoastranger,butIamsoaccustomedtohismanner,Ineverthinkofit;andthen,ifhehaspeculiaritiesoftemper,allowanceshouldbemade。”
“Why?”
“Partlybecauseitishisnature—andwecannoneofushelpournature;andpartlybecausehehaspainfulthoughts,nodoubt,toharasshim,andmakehisspiritsunequal。”
“Whatabout?”
“Familytroubles,foronething。”
“Buthehasnofamily。”
“Notnow,buthehashad—or,atleast,relatives。Helosthiselderbrotherafewyearssince。”
“Hiselderbrother?”
“Yes。ThepresentMr。Rochesterhasnotbeenverylonginpossessionoftheproperty;onlyaboutnineyears。”
“Nineyearsisatolerabletime。Washesoveryfondofhisbrotherastobestillinconsolableforhisloss?”
“Why,no—perhapsnot。Ibelievethereweresomemisunderstandingsbetweenthem。Mr。RowlandRochesterwasnotquitejusttoMr。Edward;andperhapsheprejudicedhisfatheragainsthim。Theoldgentlemanwasfondofmoney,andanxioustokeepthefamilyestatetogether。Hedidnotliketodiminishthepropertybydivision,andyethewasanxiousthatMr。Edwardshouldhavewealth,too,tokeepuptheconsequenceofthename;and,soonafterhewasofage,somestepsweretakenthatwerenotquitefair,andmadeagreatdealofmischief。OldMr。RochesterandMr。RowlandcombinedtobringMr。Edwardintowhatheconsideredapainfulposition,forthesakeofmakinghisfortune:whattheprecisenatureofthatpositionwasIneverclearlyknew,buthisspiritcouldnotbrookwhathehadtosufferinit。Heisnotveryforgiving:hebrokewithhisfamily,andnowformanyyearshehasledanunsettledkindoflife。Idon’tthinkhehaseverbeenresidentatThornfieldforafortnighttogether,sincethedeathofhisbrotherwithoutawilllefthimmasteroftheestate;and,indeed,nowonderheshunstheoldplace。”
“Whyshouldheshunit?”
“Perhapshethinksitgloomy。”
Theanswerwasevasive。Ishouldhavelikedsomethingclearer;butMrs。Fairfaxeithercouldnot,orwouldnot,givememoreexplicitinformationoftheoriginandnatureofMr。Rochester’strials。Sheaverredtheywereamysterytoherself,andthatwhatsheknewwaschieflyfromconjecture。Itwasevident,indeed,thatshewishedmetodropthesubject,whichIdidaccordingly。
Chapter14
ForseveralsubsequentdaysIsawlittleofMr。Rochester。Inthemorningsheseemedmuchengagedwithbusiness,and,intheafternoon,gentlemenfromMillcoteortheneighbourhoodcalled,andsometimesstayedtodinewithhim。Whenhissprainwaswellenoughtoadmitofhorseexercise,herodeoutagooddeal;probablytoreturnthesevisits,ashegenerallydidnotcomebacktilllateatnight。
Duringthisinterval,evenAdèlewasseldomsentfortohispresence,andallmyacquaintancewithhimwasconfinedtoanoccasionalrencontreinthehall,onthestairs,orinthegallery,whenhewouldsometimespassmehaughtilyandcoldly,justacknowledgingmypresencebyadistantnodoracoolglance,andsometimesbowandsmilewithgentlemanlikeaffability。Hischangesofmooddidnotoffendme,becauseIsawthatIhadnothingtodowiththeiralternation;theebbandflowdependedoncausesquitedisconnectedwithme。
Onedayhehadhadcompanytodinner,andhadsentformyportfolio;inorder,doubtless,toexhibititscontents:thegentlemenwentawayearly,toattendapublicmeetingatMillcote,asMrs。Fairfaxinformedme;butthenightbeingwetandinclement,Mr。Rochesterdidnotaccompanythem。Soonaftertheyweregoneherangthebell:amessagecamethatIandAdèleweretogodownstairs。IbrushedAdèle’shairandmadeherneat,andhavingascertainedthatIwasmyselfinmyusualQuakertrim,wheretherewasnothingtoretouch—allbeingtoocloseandplain,braidedlocksincluded,toadmitofdisarrangement—wedescended,Adèlewonderingwhetherthepetitcoffrewasatlengthcome;for,owingtosomemistake,itsarrivalhadhithertobeendelayed。Shewasgratified:thereitstood,alittlecarton,onthetablewhenweenteredthedining—room。Sheappearedtoknowitbyinstinct。
“Maboite!maboite!”exclaimedshe,runningtowardsit。
“Yes,thereisyour‘boite’atlast:takeitintoacorner,yougenuinedaughterofParis,andamuseyourselfwithdisembowellingit,”saidthedeepandrathersarcasticvoiceofMr。Rochester,proceedingfromthedepthsofanimmenseeasy—chairatthefireside。“Andmind,”hecontinued,“don’tbothermewithanydetailsoftheanatomicalprocess,oranynoticeoftheconditionoftheentrails:letyouroperationbeconductedinsilence:tiens—toitranquille,enfant;comprends—tu?”
Adèleseemedscarcelytoneedthewarning—shehadalreadyretiredtoasofawithhertreasure,andwasbusyuntyingthecordwhichsecuredthelid。Havingremovedthisimpediment,andliftedcertainsilveryenvelopesoftissuepaper,shemerelyexclaimed—
“Ohciel!Quec’estbeau!”andthenremainedabsorbedinecstaticcontemplation。
“IsMissEyrethere?”nowdemandedthemaster,halfrisingfromhisseattolookroundtothedoor,nearwhichIstillstood。
“Ah!well,comeforward;beseatedhere。”Hedrewachairnearhisown。“Iamnotfondoftheprattleofchildren,”hecontinued;“for,oldbachelorasIam,Ihavenopleasantassociationsconnectedwiththeirlisp。Itwouldbeintolerabletometopassawholeeveningtête—à—têtewithabrat。Don’tdrawthatchairfartheroff,MissEyre;sitdownexactlywhereIplacedit—ifyouplease,thatis。Confoundthesecivilities!Icontinuallyforgetthem。NordoIparticularlyaffectsimple—mindedoldladies。By—the—bye,Imusthavemineinmind;itwon’tdotoneglecther;sheisaFairfax,orwedtoone;andbloodissaidtobethickerthanwater。”
Herang,anddespatchedaninvitationtoMrs。Fairfax,whosoonarrived,knitting—basketinhand。
“Goodevening,madam;Isenttoyouforacharitablepurpose。IhaveforbiddenAdèletotalktomeaboutherpresents,andsheisburstingwithrepletion:havethegoodnesstoserveherasauditressandinterlocutrice;itwillbeoneofthemostbenevolentactsyoueverperformed。”
Adèle,indeed,nosoonersawMrs。Fairfax,thanshesummonedhertohersofa,andtherequicklyfilledherlapwiththeporcelain,theivory,thewaxencontentsofher“boite;”pouringout,meantime,explanationsandrapturesinsuchbrokenEnglishasshewasmistressof。
“NowIhaveperformedthepartofagoodhost,”pursuedMr。Rochester,“putmyguestsintothewayofamusingeachother,Ioughttobeatlibertytoattendtomyownpleasure。MissEyre,drawyourchairstillalittlefartherforward:youareyettoofarback;Icannotseeyouwithoutdisturbingmypositioninthiscomfortablechair,whichIhavenomindtodo。”
IdidasIwasbid,thoughIwouldmuchratherhaveremainedsomewhatintheshade;butMr。Rochesterhadsuchadirectwayofgivingorders,itseemedamatterofcoursetoobeyhimpromptly。
Wewere,asIhavesaid,inthedining—room:thelustre,whichhadbeenlitfordinner,filledtheroomwithafestalbreadthoflight;thelargefirewasallredandclear;thepurplecurtainshungrichandamplebeforetheloftywindowandloftierarch;everythingwasstill,savethesubduedchatofAdèle(shedarednotspeakloud),and,fillingupeachpause,thebeatingofwinterrainagainstthepanes。
Mr。Rochester,ashesatinhisdamask—coveredchair,lookeddifferenttowhatIhadseenhimlookbefore;notquitesostern—muchlessgloomy。Therewasasmileonhislips,andhiseyessparkled,whetherwithwineornot,Iamnotsure;butIthinkitveryprobable。Hewas,inshort,inhisafter—dinnermood;moreexpandedandgenial,andalsomoreself—indulgentthanthefrigidandrigidtemperofthemorning;stillhelookedpreciouslygrim,cushioninghismassiveheadagainsttheswellingbackofhischair,andreceivingthelightofthefireonhisgranite—hewnfeatures,andinhisgreat,darkeyes;forhehadgreat,darkeyes,andveryfineeyes,too—notwithoutacertainchangeintheirdepthssometimes,which,ifitwasnotsoftness,remindedyou,atleast,ofthatfeeling。
Hehadbeenlookingtwominutesatthefire,andIhadbeenlookingthesamelengthoftimeathim,when,turningsuddenly,hecaughtmygazefastenedonhisphysiognomy。
“Youexamineme,MissEyre,”saidhe:“doyouthinkmehandsome?”
Ishould,ifIhaddeliberated,haverepliedtothisquestionbysomethingconventionallyvagueandpolite;buttheanswersomehowslippedfrommytonguebeforeIwasaware—“No,sir。”
“Ah!Bymyword!thereissomethingsingularaboutyou,”saidhe:“youhavetheairofalittlenonnette;quaint,quiet,grave,andsimple,asyousitwithyourhandsbeforeyou,andyoureyesgenerallybentonthecarpet(except,by—the—bye,whentheyaredirectedpiercinglytomyface;asjustnow,forinstance);andwhenoneasksyouaquestion,ormakesaremarktowhichyouareobligedtoreply,yourapoutaroundrejoinder,which,ifnotblunt,isatleastbrusque。Whatdoyoumeanbyit?”
“Sir,Iwastooplain;Ibegyourpardon。Ioughttohaverepliedthatitwasnoteasytogiveanimpromptuanswertoaquestionaboutappearances;thattastesmostlydiffer;andthatbeautyisoflittleconsequence,orsomethingofthatsort。”
“Yououghttohaverepliednosuchthing。Beautyoflittleconsequence,indeed!Andso,underpretenceofsofteningthepreviousoutrage,ofstrokingandsoothingmeintoplacidity,youstickaslypenknifeundermyear!Goon:whatfaultdoyoufindwithme,pray?IsupposeIhaveallmylimbsandallmyfeatureslikeanyotherman?”
“Mr。Rochester,allowmetodisownmyfirstanswer:Iintendednopointedrepartee:itwasonlyablunder。”
“Justso:Ithinkso:andyoushallbeanswerableforit。Criticiseme:doesmyforeheadnotpleaseyou?”
Heliftedupthesablewavesofhairwhichlayhorizontallyoverhisbrow,andshowedasolidenoughmassofintellectualorgans,butanabruptdeficiencywherethesuavesignofbenevolenceshouldhaverisen。
“Now,ma’am,amIafool?”
“Farfromit,sir。Youwould,perhaps,thinkmerudeifIinquiredinreturnwhetheryouareaphilanthropist?”
“Thereagain!Anotherstickofthepenknife,whenshepretendedtopatmyhead:andthatisbecauseIsaidIdidnotlikethesocietyofchildrenandoldwomen(lowbeitspoken!)。No,younglady,Iamnotageneralphilanthropist;butIbearaconscience;”andhepointedtotheprominenceswhicharesaidtoindicatethatfaculty,andwhich,fortunatelyforhim,weresufficientlyconspicuous;giving,indeed,amarkedbreadthtotheupperpartofhishead:“and,besides,Ioncehadakindofrudetendernessofheart。WhenIwasasoldasyou,Iwasafeelingfellowenough,partialtotheunfledged,unfostered,andunlucky;butFortunehasknockedmeaboutsince:shehasevenkneadedmewithherknuckles,andnowIflattermyselfIamhardandtoughasanIndia—rubberball;pervious,though,throughachinkortwostill,andwithonesentientpointinthemiddleofthelump。Yes:doesthatleavehopeforme?”
“Hopeofwhat,sir?”
“Ofmyfinalre—transformationfromIndia—rubberbacktoflesh?”
“Decidedlyhehashadtoomuchwine,”Ithought;andIdidnotknowwhatanswertomaketohisqueerquestion:howcouldItellwhetherhewascapableofbeingre—transformed?
“Youlookedverymuchpuzzled,MissEyre;andthoughyouarenotprettyanymorethanIamhandsome,yetapuzzledairbecomesyou;besides,itisconvenient,foritkeepsthosesearchingeyesofyoursawayfrommyphysiognomy,andbusiesthemwiththeworstedflowersoftherug;sopuzzleon。Younglady,Iamdisposedtobegregariousandcommunicativeto—night。”
Withthisannouncementherosefromhischair,andstood,leaninghisarmonthemarblemantelpiece:inthatattitudehisshapewasseenplainlyaswellashisface;hisunusualbreadthofchest,disproportionatealmosttohislengthoflimb。Iamsuremostpeoplewouldhavethoughthimanuglyman;yettherewassomuchunconsciousprideinhisport;somucheaseinhisdemeanour;suchalookofcompleteindifferencetohisownexternalappearance;sohaughtyarelianceonthepowerofotherqualities,intrinsicoradventitious,toatoneforthelackofmerepersonalattractiveness,that,inlookingathim,oneinevitablysharedtheindifference,and,eveninablind,imperfectsense,putfaithintheconfidence。
“Iamdisposedtobegregariousandcommunicativeto—night,”herepeated,“andthatiswhyIsentforyou:thefireandthechandelierwerenotsufficientcompanyforme;norwouldPilothavebeen,fornoneofthesecantalk。Adèleisadegreebetter,butstillfarbelowthemark;Mrs。Fairfaxditto;you,Iampersuaded,cansuitmeifyouwill:youpuzzledmethefirsteveningIinvitedyoudownhere。Ihavealmostforgottenyousince:otherideashavedrivenyoursfrommyhead;butto—nightIamresolvedtobeatease;todismisswhatimportunes,andrecallwhatpleases。Itwouldpleasemenowtodrawyouout—tolearnmoreofyou—thereforespeak。”
Insteadofspeaking,Ismiled;andnotaverycomplacentorsubmissivesmileeither。
“Speak,”heurged。
“Whatabout,sir?”
“Whateveryoulike。Ileaveboththechoiceofsubjectandthemanneroftreatingitentirelytoyourself。”
AccordinglyIsatandsaidnothing:“Ifheexpectsmetotalkforthemeresakeoftalkingandshowingoff,hewillfindhehasaddressedhimselftothewrongperson,”Ithought。
“Youaredumb,MissEyre。”
Iwasdumbstill。Hebenthisheadalittletowardsme,andwithasinglehastyglanceseemedtodiveintomyeyes。
“Stubborn?”hesaid,“andannoyed。Ah!itisconsistent。Iputmyrequestinanabsurd,almostinsolentform。MissEyre,Ibegyourpardon。Thefactis,onceforall,Idon’twishtotreatyoulikeaninferior:thatis”(correctinghimself),“Iclaimonlysuchsuperiorityasmustresultfromtwentyyears’differenceinageandacentury’sadvanceinexperience。Thisislegitimate,etj’ytiens,asAdèlewouldsay;anditisbyvirtueofthissuperiority,andthisalone,thatIdesireyoutohavethegoodnesstotalktomealittlenow,anddivertmythoughts,whicharegalledwithdwellingononepoint—cankeringasarustynail。”
Hehaddeignedanexplanation,almostanapology,andIdidnotfeelinsensibletohiscondescension,andwouldnotseemso。
“Iamwillingtoamuseyou,ifIcan,sir—quitewilling;butIcannotintroduceatopic,becausehowdoIknowwhatwillinterestyou?Askmequestions,andIwilldomybesttoanswerthem。”
“Then,inthefirstplace,doyouagreewithmethatIhavearighttobealittlemasterful,abrupt,perhapsexacting,sometimes,onthegroundsIstated,namely,thatIamoldenoughtobeyourfather,andthatIhavebattledthroughavariedexperiencewithmanymenofmanynations,androamedoverhalftheglobe,whileyouhavelivedquietlywithonesetofpeopleinonehouse?”
“Doasyouplease,sir。”
“Thatisnoanswer;orratheritisaveryirritating,becauseaveryevasiveone。Replyclearly。”
“Idon’tthink,sir,youhavearighttocommandme,merelybecauseyouareolderthanI,orbecauseyouhaveseenmoreoftheworldthanIhave;yourclaimtosuperioritydependsontheuseyouhavemadeofyourtimeandexperience。”
“Humph!Promptlyspoken。ButIwon’tallowthat,seeingthatitwouldneversuitmycase,asIhavemadeanindifferent,nottosayabad,useofbothadvantages。Leavingsuperiorityoutofthequestion,then,youmuststillagreetoreceivemyordersnowandthen,withoutbeingpiquedorhurtbythetoneofcommand。Willyou?”
Ismiled:IthoughttomyselfMr。RochesterISpeculiar—heseemstoforgetthathepaysme£30perannumforreceivinghisorders。
“Thesmileisverywell,”saidhe,catchinginstantlythepassingexpression;“butspeaktoo。”
“Iwasthinking,sir,thatveryfewmasterswouldtroublethemselvestoinquirewhetherornottheirpaidsubordinateswerepiquedandhurtbytheirorders。”
“Paidsubordinates!What!youaremypaidsubordinate,areyou?Ohyes,Ihadforgottenthesalary!Wellthen,onthatmercenaryground,willyouagreetoletmehectoralittle?”
“No,sir,notonthatground;but,onthegroundthatyoudidforgetit,andthatyoucarewhetherornotadependentiscomfortableinhisdependency,Iagreeheartily。”
“Andwillyouconsenttodispensewithagreatmanyconventionalformsandphrases,withoutthinkingthattheomissionarisesfrominsolence?”
“Iamsure,sir,Ishouldnevermistakeinformalityforinsolence:oneIratherlike,theothernothingfree—bornwouldsubmitto,evenforasalary。”
“Humbug!Mostthingsfree—bornwillsubmittoanythingforasalary;therefore,keeptoyourself,anddon’tventureongeneralitiesofwhichyouareintenselyignorant。However,Imentallyshakehandswithyouforyouranswer,despiteitsinaccuracy;andasmuchforthemannerinwhichitwassaid,asforthesubstanceofthespeech;themannerwasfrankandsincere;onedoesnotoftenseesuchamanner:no,onthecontrary,affectation,orcoldness,orstupid,coarse—mindedmisapprehensionofone’smeaningaretheusualrewardsofcandour。Notthreeinthreethousandrawschool—girl—governesseswouldhaveansweredmeasyouhavejustdone。ButIdon’tmeantoflatteryou:ifyouarecastinadifferentmouldtothemajority,itisnomeritofyours:Naturedidit。Andthen,afterall,Igotoofastinmyconclusions:forwhatIyetknow,youmaybenobetterthantherest;youmayhaveintolerabledefectstocounterbalanceyourfewgoodpoints。”
“Andsomayyou,”Ithought。Myeyemethisastheideacrossedmymind:heseemedtoreadtheglance,answeringasifitsimporthadbeenspokenaswellasimagined—
“Yes,yes,youareright,”saidhe;“Ihaveplentyoffaultsofmyown:Iknowit,andIdon’twishtopalliatethem,Iassureyou。GodwotIneednotbetoosevereaboutothers;Ihaveapastexistence,aseriesofdeeds,acolouroflifetocontemplatewithinmyownbreast,whichmightwellcallmysneersandcensuresfrommyneighbourstomyself。Istarted,orrather(forlikeotherdefaulters,Iliketolayhalftheblameonillfortuneandadversecircumstances)wasthrustontoawrongtackattheageofone—and—twenty,andhaveneverrecoveredtherightcoursesince:butImighthavebeenverydifferent;Imighthavebeenasgoodasyou—wiser—almostasstainless。Ienvyyouyourpeaceofmind,yourcleanconscience,yourunpollutedmemory。Littlegirl,amemorywithoutblotorcontaminationmustbeanexquisitetreasure—aninexhaustiblesourceofpurerefreshment:isitnot?”
“Howwasyourmemorywhenyouwereeighteen,sir?”
“Allrightthen;limpid,salubrious:nogushofbilgewaterhadturnedittofetidpuddle。Iwasyourequalateighteen—quiteyourequal。Naturemeantmetobe,onthewhole,agoodman,MissEyre;oneofthebetterkind,andyouseeIamnotso。Youwouldsayyoudon’tseeit;atleastIflattermyselfIreadasmuchinyoureye(beware,by—the—bye,whatyouexpresswiththatorgan;Iamquickatinterpretingitslanguage)。Thentakemywordforit,—Iamnotavillain:youarenottosupposethat—nottoattributetomeanysuchbademinence;but,owing,Iverilybelieve,rathertocircumstancesthantomynaturalbent,Iamatritecommonplacesinner,hackneyedinallthepoorpettydissipationswithwhichtherichandworthlesstrytoputonlife。DoyouwonderthatIavowthistoyou?Know,thatinthecourseofyourfuturelifeyouwilloftenfindyourselfelectedtheinvoluntaryconfidantofyouracquaintances’secrets:peoplewillinstinctivelyfindout,asIhavedone,thatitisnotyourfortetotellofyourself,buttolistenwhileotherstalkofthemselves;theywillfeel,too,thatyoulistenwithnomalevolentscornoftheirindiscretion,butwithakindofinnatesympathy;notthelesscomfortingandencouragingbecauseitisveryunobtrusiveinitsmanifestations。”
“Howdoyouknow?—howcanyouguessallthis,sir?”
“Iknowitwell;thereforeIproceedalmostasfreelyasifIwerewritingmythoughtsinadiary。Youwouldsay,Ishouldhavebeensuperiortocircumstances;soIshould—soIshould;butyouseeIwasnot。Whenfatewrongedme,Ihadnotthewisdomtoremaincool:Iturneddesperate;thenIdegenerated。Now,whenanyvicioussimpletonexcitesmydisgustbyhispaltryribaldry,IcannotflattermyselfthatIambetterthanhe:IamforcedtoconfessthatheandIareonalevel。IwishIhadstoodfirm—GodknowsIdo!Dreadremorsewhenyouaretemptedtoerr,MissEyre;remorseisthepoisonoflife。”
“Repentanceissaidtobeitscure,sir。”
“Itisnotitscure。Reformationmaybeitscure;andIcouldreform—Ihavestrengthyetforthat—if—butwhereistheuseofthinkingofit,hampered,burdened,cursedasIam?Besides,sincehappinessisirrevocablydeniedme,Ihavearighttogetpleasureoutoflife:andIwillgetit,costwhatitmay。”
“Thenyouwilldegeneratestillmore,sir。”
“Possibly:yetwhyshouldI,ifIcangetsweet,freshpleasure?AndImaygetitassweetandfreshasthewildhoneythebeegathersonthemoor。”
“Itwillsting—itwilltastebitter,sir。”
“Howdoyouknow?—younevertriedit。Howveryserious—howverysolemnyoulook:andyouareasignorantofthematterasthiscameohead”(takingonefromthemantelpiece)。“Youhavenorighttopreachtome,youneophyte,thathavenotpassedtheporchoflife,andareabsolutelyunacquaintedwithitsmysteries。”
“Ionlyremindyouofyourownwords,sir:yousaiderrorbroughtremorse,andyoupronouncedremorsethepoisonofexistence。”
“Andwhotalksoferrornow?Iscarcelythinkthenotionthatflitteredacrossmybrainwasanerror。Ibelieveitwasaninspirationratherthanatemptation:itwasverygenial,verysoothing—Iknowthat。Hereitcomesagain!Itisnodevil,Iassureyou;orifitbe,ithasputontherobesofanangeloflight。IthinkImustadmitsofairaguestwhenitasksentrancetomyheart。”
“Distrustit,sir;itisnotatrueangel。”
“Oncemore,howdoyouknow?Bywhatinstinctdoyoupretendtodistinguishbetweenafallenseraphoftheabyssandamessengerfromtheeternalthrone—betweenaguideandaseducer?”
“Ijudgedbyyourcountenance,sir,whichwastroubledwhenyousaidthesuggestionhadreturneduponyou。Ifeelsureitwillworkyoumoremiseryifyoulistentoit。”
“Notatall—itbearsthemostgraciousmessageintheworld:fortherest,youarenotmyconscience—keeper,sodon’tmakeyourselfuneasy。Here,comein,bonnywanderer!”
Hesaidthisasifhespoketoavision,viewlesstoanyeyebuthisown;then,foldinghisarms,whichhehadhalfextended,onhischest,heseemedtoencloseintheirembracetheinvisiblebeing。
“Now,”hecontinued,againaddressingme,“Ihavereceivedthepilgrim—adisguiseddeity,asIverifybelieve。Alreadyithasdonemegood:myheartwasasortofcharnel;itwillnowbeashrine。”
“Tospeaktruth,sir,Idon’tunderstandyouatall:Icannotkeepuptheconversation,becauseithasgotoutofmydepth。Onlyonething,Iknow:yousaidyouwerenotasgoodasyoushouldliketobe,andthatyouregrettedyourownimperfection;—onethingIcancomprehend:youintimatedthattohaveasulliedmemorywasaperpetualbane。Itseemstome,thatifyoutriedhard,youwouldintimefinditpossibletobecomewhatyouyourselfwouldapprove;andthatiffromthisdayyoubeganwithresolutiontocorrectyourthoughtsandactions,youwouldinafewyearshavelaidupanewandstainlessstoreofrecollections,towhichyoumightrevertwithpleasure。”
“Justlythought;rightlysaid,MissEyre;and,atthismoment,Iampavinghellwithenergy。”
“Sir?”
“Iamlayingdowngoodintentions,whichIbelievedurableasflint。Certainly,myassociatesandpursuitsshallbeotherthantheyhavebeen。”
“Andbetter?”
“Andbetter—somuchbetteraspureoreisthanfouldross。Youseemtodoubtme;Idon’tdoubtmyself:Iknowwhatmyaimis,whatmymotivesare;andatthismomentIpassalaw,unalterableasthatoftheMedesandPersians,thatbothareright。”
“Theycannotbe,sir,iftheyrequireanewstatutetolegalisethem。”
“Theyare,MissEyre,thoughtheyabsolutelyrequireanewstatute:unheard—ofcombinationsofcircumstancesdemandunheard—ofrules。”
“Thatsoundsadangerousmaxim,sir;becauseonecanseeatoncethatitisliabletoabuse。”
“Sententioussage!soitis:butIswearbymyhouseholdgodsnottoabuseit。”
“Youarehumanandfallible。”
“Iam:soareyou—whatthen?”
“Thehumanandfallibleshouldnotarrogateapowerwithwhichthedivineandperfectalonecanbesafelyintrusted。”
“Whatpower?”
“Thatofsayingofanystrange,unsanctionedlineofaction,—‘Letitberight。’”
“‘Letitberight’—theverywords:youhavepronouncedthem。”
“Mayitberightthen,”Isaid,asIrose,deemingituselesstocontinueadiscoursewhichwasalldarknesstome;and,besides,sensiblethatthecharacterofmyinterlocutorwasbeyondmypenetration;atleast,beyonditspresentreach;andfeelingtheuncertainty,thevaguesenseofinsecurity,whichaccompaniesaconvictionofignorance。
“Whereareyougoing?”
“ToputAdèletobed:itispastherbedtime。”
“Youareafraidofme,becauseItalklikeaSphynx。”
“Yourlanguageisenigmatical,sir:butthoughIambewildered,Iamcertainlynotafraid。”
“Youareafraid—yourself—lovedreadsablunder。”
“InthatsenseIdofeelapprehensive—Ihavenowishtotalknonsense。”
“Ifyoudid,itwouldbeinsuchagrave,quietmanner,Ishouldmistakeitforsense。Doyouneverlaugh,MissEyre?Don’ttroubleyourselftoanswer—Iseeyoulaughrarely;butyoucanlaughverymerrily:believeme,youarenotnaturallyaustere,anymorethanIamnaturallyvicious。TheLowoodconstraintstillclingstoyousomewhat;controllingyourfeatures,mufflingyourvoice,andrestrictingyourlimbs;andyoufearinthepresenceofamanandabrother—orfather,ormaster,orwhatyouwill—tosmiletoogaily,speaktoofreely,ormovetooquickly:but,intime,Ithinkyouwilllearntobenaturalwithme,asIfinditimpossibletobeconventionalwithyou;andthenyourlooksandmovementswillhavemorevivacityandvarietythantheydareoffernow。Iseeatintervalstheglanceofacurioussortofbirdthroughtheclose—setbarsofacage:avivid,restless,resolutecaptiveisthere;wereitbutfree,itwouldsoarcloud—high。Youarestillbentongoing?”
“Ithasstrucknine,sir。”
第10章