“Canyouseeme?”
“No,myfairy:butIamonlytoothankfultohearandfeelyou。”
“Whendoyoutakesupper?”
“Inevertakesupper。”
“Butyoushallhavesometo—night。Iamhungry:soareyou,Idaresay,onlyyouforget。”
SummoningMary,Isoonhadtheroominmorecheerfulorder:Ipreparedhim,likewise,acomfortablerepast。Myspiritswereexcited,andwithpleasureandeaseItalkedtohimduringsupper,andforalongtimeafter。Therewasnoharassingrestraint,norepressingofgleeandvivacitywithhim;forwithhimIwasatperfectease,becauseIknewIsuitedhim;allIsaidordidseemedeithertoconsoleorrevivehim。Delightfulconsciousness!Itbroughttolifeandlightmywholenature:inhispresenceIthoroughlylived;andhelivedinmine。Blindashewas,smilesplayedoverhisface,joydawnedonhisforehead:hislineamentssoftenedandwarmed。
Aftersupper,hebegantoaskmemanyquestions,ofwhereIhadbeen,whatIhadbeendoing,howIhadfoundhimout;butIgavehimonlyverypartialreplies:itwastoolatetoenterintoparticularsthatnight。Besides,Iwishedtotouchnodeep—thrillingchord—toopennofreshwellofemotioninhisheart:mysolepresentaimwastocheerhim。Cheered,asIhavesaid,hewas:andyetbutbyfits。Ifamoment’ssilencebroketheconversation,hewouldturnrestless,touchme,thensay,“Jane。”
“Youarealtogetherahumanbeing,Jane?Youarecertainofthat?”
“Iconscientiouslybelieveso,Mr。Rochester。”
“Yethow,onthisdarkanddolefulevening,couldyousosuddenlyriseonmylonehearth?Istretchedmyhandtotakeaglassofwaterfromahireling,anditwasgivenmebyyou:Iaskedaquestion,expectingJohn’swifetoanswerme,andyourvoicespokeatmyear。”
“BecauseIhadcomein,inMary’sstead,withthetray。”
“AndthereisenchantmentintheveryhourIamnowspendingwithyou。Whocantellwhatadark,dreary,hopelesslifeIhavedraggedonformonthspast?Doingnothing,expectingnothing;mergingnightinday;feelingbutthesensationofcoldwhenIletthefiregoout,ofhungerwhenIforgottoeat:andthenaceaselesssorrow,and,attimes,averydeliriumofdesiretobeholdmyJaneagain。Yes:forherrestorationIlonged,farmorethanforthatofmylostsight。HowcanitbethatJaneiswithme,andsaysshelovesme?Willshenotdepartassuddenlyasshecame?To—morrow,IfearIshallfindhernomore。”
Acommonplace,practicalreply,outofthetrainofhisowndisturbedideas,was,Iwassure,thebestandmostreassuringforhiminthisframeofmind。Ipassedmyfingeroverhiseyebrows,andremarkedthattheywerescorched,andthatIwouldapplysomethingwhichwouldmakethemgrowasbroadandblackasever。
“Whereistheuseofdoingmegoodinanyway,beneficentspirit,when,atsomefatalmoment,youwillagaindesertme—passinglikeashadow,whitherandhowtomeunknown,andformeremainingafterwardsundiscoverable?
“Haveyouapocket—combaboutyou,sir?”
“Whatfor,Jane?”
“Justtocomboutthisshaggyblackmane。Ifindyouratheralarming,whenIexamineyoucloseathand:youtalkofmybeingafairy,butIamsure,youaremorelikeabrownie。”
“AmIhideous,Jane?”
“Very,sir:youalwayswere,youknow。”
“Humph!Thewickednesshasnotbeentakenoutofyou,whereveryouhavesojourned。”
“YetIhavebeenwithgoodpeople;farbetterthanyou:ahundredtimesbetterpeople;possessedofideasandviewsyouneverentertainedinyourlife:quitemorerefinedandexalted。”
“Whothedeucehaveyoubeenwith?”
“Ifyoutwistinthatwayyouwillmakemepullthehairoutofyourhead;andthenIthinkyouwillceasetoentertaindoubtsofmysubstantiality。”
“Whohaveyoubeenwith,Jane?”
“Youshallnotgetitoutofmeto—night,sir;youmustwaittillto—morrow;toleavemytalehalftold,will,youknow,beasortofsecuritythatIshallappearatyourbreakfasttabletofinishit。Bythebye,Imustmindnottoriseonyourhearthwithonlyaglassofwaterthen:Imustbringaneggattheleast,tosaynothingoffriedham。”
“Youmockingchangeling—fairy—bornandhuman—bred!YoumakemefeelasIhavenotfeltthesetwelvemonths。IfSaulcouldhavehadyouforhisDavid,theevilspiritwouldhavebeenexorcisedwithouttheaidoftheharp。”
“There,sir,youarereddupandmadedecent。NowI’llleaveyou:Ihavebeentravellingtheselastthreedays,andIbelieveIamtired。Goodnight。”
“Justoneword,Jane:werethereonlyladiesinthehousewhereyouhavebeen?”
Ilaughedandmademyescape,stilllaughingasIranupstairs。“Agoodidea!”Ithoughtwithglee。“IseeIhavethemeansoffrettinghimoutofhismelancholyforsometimetocome。”
VeryearlythenextmorningIheardhimupandastir,wanderingfromoneroomtoanother。AssoonasMarycamedownIheardthequestion:“IsMissEyrehere?”Then:“Whichroomdidyouputherinto?Wasitdry?Issheup?Goandaskifshewantsanything;andwhenshewillcomedown。”
IcamedownassoonasIthoughttherewasaprospectofbreakfast。Enteringtheroomverysoftly,Ihadaviewofhimbeforehediscoveredmypresence。Itwasmournful,indeed,towitnessthesubjugationofthatvigorousspirittoacorporealinfirmity。Hesatinhischair—still,butnotatrest:expectantevidently;thelinesofnowhabitualsadnessmarkinghisstrongfeatures。Hiscountenanceremindedoneofalampquenched,waitingtobere—lit—andalas!itwasnothimselfthatcouldnowkindlethelustreofanimatedexpression:hewasdependentonanotherforthatoffice!Ihadmeanttobegayandcareless,butthepowerlessnessofthestrongmantouchedmyhearttothequick:stillIaccostedhimwithwhatvivacityIcould。
“Itisabright,sunnymorning,sir,”Isaid。“Therainisoverandgone,andthereisatendershiningafterit:youshallhaveawalksoon。”
Ihadwakenedtheglow:hisfeaturesbeamed。
“Oh,youareindeedthere,myskylark!Cometome。Youarenotgone:notvanished?Iheardoneofyourkindanhourago,singinghighoverthewood:butitssonghadnomusicforme,anymorethantherisingsunhadrays。AllthemelodyonearthisconcentratedinmyJane’stonguetomyear(Iamgladitisnotnaturallyasilentone):allthesunshineIcanfeelisinherpresence。”
Thewaterstoodinmyeyestohearthisavowalofhisdependence;justasifaroyaleagle,chainedtoaperch,shouldbeforcedtoentreatasparrowtobecomeitspurveyor。ButIwouldnotbelachrymose:Idashedoffthesaltdrops,andbusiedmyselfwithpreparingbreakfast。
Mostofthemorningwasspentintheopenair。Iledhimoutofthewetandwildwoodintosomecheerfulfields:Idescribedtohimhowbrilliantlygreentheywere;howtheflowersandhedgeslookedrefreshed;howsparklinglybluewasthesky。Isoughtaseatforhiminahiddenandlovelyspot,adrystumpofatree;nordidIrefusetolethim,whenseated,placemeonhisknee。WhyshouldI,whenbothheandIwerehappiernearthanapart?Pilotlaybesideus:allwasquiet。Hebrokeoutsuddenlywhileclaspingmeinhisarms—
“Cruel,crueldeserter!Oh,Jane,whatdidIfeelwhenIdiscoveredyouhadfledfromThornfield,andwhenIcouldnowherefindyou;and,afterexaminingyourapartment,ascertainedthatyouhadtakennomoney,noranythingwhichcouldserveasanequivalent!ApearlnecklaceIhadgivenyoulayuntouchedinitslittlecasket;yourtrunkswereleftcordedandlockedastheyhadbeenpreparedforthebridaltour。Whatcouldmydarlingdo,Iasked,leftdestituteandpenniless?Andwhatdidshedo?Letmehearnow。”
Thusurged,Ibeganthenarrativeofmyexperienceforthelastyear。Isoftenedconsiderablywhatrelatedtothethreedaysofwanderingandstarvation,becausetohavetoldhimallwouldhavebeentoinflictunnecessarypain:thelittleIdidsaylaceratedhisfaithfulheartdeeperthanIwished。
Ishouldnothavelefthimthus,hesaid,withoutanymeansofmakingmyway:Ishouldhavetoldhimmyintention。Ishouldhaveconfidedinhim:hewouldneverhaveforcedmetobehismistress。Violentashehadseemedinhisdespair,he,intruth,lovedmefartoowellandtootenderlytoconstitutehimselfmytyrant:hewouldhavegivenmehalfhisfortune,withoutdemandingsomuchasakissinreturn,ratherthanIshouldhaveflungmyselffriendlessonthewideworld。Ihadendured,hewascertain,morethanIhadconfessedtohim。
“Well,whatevermysufferingshadbeen,theywereveryshort,”Ianswered:andthenIproceededtotellhimhowIhadbeenreceivedatMoorHouse;howIhadobtainedtheofficeofschoolmistress,&c。Theaccessionoffortune,thediscoveryofmyrelations,followedindueorder。Ofcourse,St。JohnRivers’namecameinfrequentlyintheprogressofmytale。WhenIhaddone,thatnamewasimmediatelytakenup。
“ThisSt。John,then,isyourcousin?”
“Yes。”
“Youhavespokenofhimoften:doyoulikehim?”
“Hewasaverygoodman,sir;Icouldnothelplikinghim。”
“Agoodman。Doesthatmeanarespectablewell—conductedmanoffifty?Orwhatdoesitmean?”
“StJohnwasonlytwenty—nine,sir。”
“‘Jeuneencore,’astheFrenchsay。Isheapersonoflowstature,phlegmatic,andplain。Apersonwhosegoodnessconsistsratherinhisguiltlessnessofvice,thaninhisprowessinvirtue。”
“Heisuntiringlyactive。Greatandexalteddeedsarewhathelivestoperform。”
“Buthisbrain?Thatisprobablyrathersoft?Hemeanswell:butyoushrugyourshoulderstohearhimtalk?”
“Hetalkslittle,sir:whathedoessayisevertothepoint。Hisbrainisfirst—rate,Ishouldthinknotimpressible,butvigorous。”
“Isheanableman,then?”
“Trulyable。”
“Athoroughlyeducatedman?”
“St。Johnisanaccomplishedandprofoundscholar。”
“Hismanners,Ithink,yousaidarenottoyourtaste?—priggishandparsonic?”
“Inevermentionedhismanners;but,unlessIhadaverybadtaste,theymustsuitit;theyarepolished,calm,andgentlemanlike。”
“Hisappearance,—Iforgetwhatdescriptionyougaveofhisappearance;—asortofrawcurate,halfstrangledwithhiswhiteneckcloth,andstilteduponhisthick—soledhigh—lows,eh?”
“St。Johndresseswell。Heisahandsomeman:tall,fair,withblueeyes,andaGrecianprofile。”
(Aside。)“Damnhim!”—(Tome。)“Didyoulikehim,Jane?”
“Yes,Mr。Rochester,Ilikedhim:butyouaskedmethatbefore。”
Iperceived,ofcourse,thedriftofmyinterlocutor。Jealousyhadgotholdofhim:shestunghim;butthestingwassalutary:itgavehimrespitefromthegnawingfangofmelancholy。Iwouldnot,therefore,immediatelycharmthesnake。
“Perhapsyouwouldrathernotsitanylongeronmyknee,MissEyre?”wasthenextsomewhatunexpectedobservation。
“Whynot,Mr。Rochester?”
“Thepictureyouhavejustdrawnissuggestiveofarathertoooverwhelmingcontrast。YourwordshavedelineatedveryprettilyagracefulApollo:heispresenttoyourimagination,—tall,fair,blue—eyed,andwithaGrecianprofile。YoureyesdwellonaVulcan,—arealblacksmith,brown,broad—shouldered:andblindandlameintothebargain。”
“Ineverthoughtofit,before;butyoucertainlyareratherlikeVulcan,sir。”
“Well,youcanleaveme,ma’am:butbeforeyougo”(andheretainedmebyafirmergraspthanever),“youwillbepleasedjusttoanswermeaquestionortwo。”Hepaused。
“Whatquestions,Mr。Rochester?”
Thenfollowedthiscross—examination。
“St。JohnmadeyouschoolmistressofMortonbeforeheknewyouwerehiscousin?”
“Yes。”
“Youwouldoftenseehim?Hewouldvisittheschoolsometimes?”
“Daily。”
“Hewouldapproveofyourplans,Jane?Iknowtheywouldbeclever,foryouareatalentedcreature!”
“Heapprovedofthem—yes。”
“Hewoulddiscovermanythingsinyouhecouldnothaveexpectedtofind?Someofyouraccomplishmentsarenotordinary。”
“Idon’tknowaboutthat。”
“Youhadalittlecottageneartheschool,yousay:didheevercometheretoseeyou?”
“Nowandthen?”
“Ofanevening?”
“Onceortwice。”
Apause。
“Howlongdidyouresidewithhimandhissistersafterthecousinshipwasdiscovered?”
“Fivemonths。”
“DidRiversspendmuchtimewiththeladiesofhisfamily?”
“Yes;thebackparlourwasbothhisstudyandours:hesatnearthewindow,andwebythetable。”
“Didhestudymuch?”
“Agooddeal。”
“What?”
“Hindostanee。”
“Andwhatdidyoudomeantime?”
“IlearntGerman,atfirst。”
“Didheteachyou?”
“HedidnotunderstandGerman。”
“Didheteachyounothing?”
“AlittleHindostanee。”
“RiverstaughtyouHindostanee?”
“Yes,sir。”
“Andhissistersalso?”
“No。”
“Onlyyou?”
“Onlyme。”
“Didyouasktolearn?”
“No。”
“Hewishedtoteachyou?”
“Yes。”
Asecondpause。
“Whydidhewishit?OfwhatusecouldHindostaneebetoyou?”
“HeintendedmetogowithhimtoIndia。”
“Ah!hereIreachtherootofthematter。Hewantedyoutomarryhim?”
“Heaskedmetomarryhim。”
“Thatisafiction—animpudentinventiontovexme。”
“Ibegyourpardon,itistheliteraltruth:heaskedmemorethanonce,andwasasstiffabouturginghispointaseveryoucouldbe。”
“MissEyre,Irepeatit,youcanleaveme。HowoftenamItosaythesamething?Whydoyouremainpertinaciouslyperchedonmyknee,whenIhavegivenyounoticetoquit?”
“BecauseIamcomfortablethere。”
“No,Jane,youarenotcomfortablethere,becauseyourheartisnotwithme:itiswiththiscousin—thisSt。John。Oh,tillthismoment,IthoughtmylittleJanewasallmine!Ihadabeliefshelovedmeevenwhensheleftme:thatwasanatomofsweetinmuchbitter。Longaswehavebeenparted,hottearsasIhaveweptoverourseparation,IneverthoughtthatwhileIwasmourningher,shewaslovinganother!Butitisuselessgrieving。Jane,leaveme:goandmarryRivers。”
“Shakemeoff,then,sir,—pushmeaway,forI’llnotleaveyouofmyownaccord。”
“Jane,Ieverlikeyourtoneofvoice:itstillrenewshope,itsoundssotruthful。WhenIhearit,itcarriesmebackayear。Iforgetthatyouhaveformedanewtie。ButIamnotafool—go—”
“WheremustIgo,sir?”
“Yourownway—withthehusbandyouhavechosen。”
“Whoisthat?”
“Youknow—thisSt。JohnRivers。”
“Heisnotmyhusband,noreverwillbe。Hedoesnotloveme:Idonotlovehim。Heloves(ashecanlove,andthatisnotasyoulove)abeautifulyoungladycalledRosamond。HewantedtomarrymeonlybecausehethoughtIshouldmakeasuitablemissionary’swife,whichshewouldnothavedone。Heisgoodandgreat,butsevere;and,forme,coldasaniceberg。Heisnotlikeyou,sir:Iamnothappyathisside,nornearhim,norwithhim。Hehasnoindulgenceforme—nofondness。Heseesnothingattractiveinme;notevenyouth—onlyafewusefulmentalpoints。—ThenImustleaveyou,sir,togotohim?”
Ishudderedinvoluntarily,andclunginstinctivelyclosertomyblindbutbelovedmaster。Hesmiled。
“What,Jane!Isthistrue?IssuchreallythestateofmattersbetweenyouandRivers?”
“Absolutely,sir!Oh,youneednotbejealous!Iwantedtoteaseyoualittletomakeyoulesssad:Ithoughtangerwouldbebetterthangrief。Butifyouwishmetoloveyou,couldyoubutseehowmuchIdoloveyou,youwouldbeproudandcontent。Allmyheartisyours,sir:itbelongstoyou;andwithyouitwouldremain,werefatetoexiletherestofmefromyourpresenceforever。”
Again,ashekissedme,painfulthoughtsdarkenedhisaspect。“Myscaredvision!Mycrippledstrength!”hemurmuredregretfully。
Icaressed,inordertosoothehim。Iknewofwhathewasthinking,andwantedtospeakforhim,butdarednot。Asheturnedasidehisfaceaminute,Isawatearslidefromunderthesealedeyelid,andtrickledownthemanlycheek。Myheartswelled。
“Iamnobetterthantheoldlightning—struckchestnut—treeinThornfieldorchard,”heremarkederelong。“Andwhatrightwouldthatruinhavetobidabuddingwoodbinecoveritsdecaywithfreshness?”
“Youarenoruin,sir—nolightning—strucktree:youaregreenandvigorous。Plantswillgrowaboutyourroots,whetheryouaskthemornot,becausetheytakedelightinyourbountifulshadow;andastheygrowtheywillleantowardsyou,andwindroundyou,becauseyourstrengthoffersthemsosafeaprop。”
Againhesmiled:Igavehimcomfort。
“Youspeakoffriends,Jane?”heasked。
“Yes,offriends,”Iansweredratherhesitatingly:forIknewImeantmorethanfriends,butcouldnottellwhatotherwordtoemploy。Hehelpedme。
“Ah!Jane。ButIwantawife。”
“Doyou,sir?”
“Yes:isitnewstoyou?”
“Ofcourse:yousaidnothingaboutitbefore。”
“Isitunwelcomenews?”
“Thatdependsoncircumstances,sir—onyourchoice。”
“Whichyoushallmakeforme,Jane。Iwillabidebyyourdecision。”
“Choosethen,sir—herwholovesyoubest。”
“Iwillatleastchoose—herilovebest。Jane,willyoumarryme?”
“Yes,sir。”
“Apoorblindman,whomyouwillhavetoleadaboutbythehand?”
“Yes,sir。”
“Acrippledman,twentyyearsolderthanyou,whomyouwillhavetowaiton?”
“Yes,sir。”
“Truly,Jane?”
“Mosttruly,sir。”
“Oh!mydarling!Godblessyouandrewardyou!”
“Mr。Rochester,ifeverIdidagooddeedinmylife—ifeverIthoughtagoodthought—ifeverIprayedasincereandblamelessprayer—ifeverIwishedarighteouswish,—Iamrewardednow。Tobeyourwifeis,forme,tobeashappyasIcanbeonearth。”
“Becauseyoudelightinsacrifice。”
“Sacrifice!WhatdoIsacrifice?Famineforfood,expectationforcontent。TobeprivilegedtoputmyarmsroundwhatIvalue—topressmylipstowhatIlove—toreposeonwhatItrust:isthattomakeasacrifice?Ifso,thencertainlyIdelightinsacrifice。”
“Andtobearwithmyinfirmities,Jane:tooverlookmydeficiencies。”
“Whicharenone,sir,tome。Iloveyoubetternow,whenIcanreallybeusefultoyou,thanIdidinyourstateofproudindependence,whenyoudisdainedeverypartbutthatofthegiverandprotector。”
“HithertoIhavehatedtobehelped—tobeled:henceforth,IfeelIshallhateitnomore。Ididnotliketoputmyhandintoahireling’s,butitispleasanttofeelitcircledbyJane’slittlefingers。Ipreferredutterlonelinesstotheconstantattendanceofservants;butJane’ssoftministrywillbeaperpetualjoy。Janesuitsme:doIsuither?”
“Tothefinestfibreofmynature,sir。”
“Thecasebeingso,wehavenothingintheworldtowaitfor:wemustbemarriedinstantly。”
Helookedandspokewitheagerness:hisoldimpetuositywasrising。
“Wemustbecomeonefleshwithoutanydelay,Jane:thereisbutthelicencetoget—thenwemarry。”
“Mr。Rochester,Ihavejustdiscoveredthesunisfardeclinedfromitsmeridian,andPilotisactuallygonehometohisdinner。Letmelookatyourwatch。”
“Fastenitintoyourgirdle,Janet,andkeepithenceforward:Ihavenouseforit。”
“Itisnearlyfouro’clockintheafternoon,sir。Don’tyoufeelhungry?”
“Thethirddayfromthismustbeourwedding—day,Jane。Nevermindfineclothesandjewels,now:allthatisnotworthafillip。”
“Thesunhasdriedupalltherain—drops,sir。Thebreezeisstill:itisquitehot。”
“Doyouknow,Jane,Ihaveyourlittlepearlnecklaceatthismomentfastenedroundmybronzescragundermycravat?IhavewornitsincethedayIlostmyonlytreasure,asamementoofher。”
“Wewillgohomethroughthewood:thatwillbetheshadiestway。”
Hepursuedhisownthoughtswithoutheedingme。
“Jane!youthinkme,Idaresay,anirreligiousdog:butmyheartswellswithgratitudetothebeneficentGodofthisearthjustnow。Heseesnotasmansees,butfarclearer:judgesnotasmanjudges,butfarmorewisely。Ididwrong:Iwouldhavesulliedmyinnocentflower—breathedguiltonitspurity:theOmnipotentsnatcheditfromme。I,inmystiff—neckedrebellion,almostcursedthedispensation:insteadofbendingtothedecree,Idefiedit。Divinejusticepursueditscourse;disasterscamethickonme:Iwasforcedtopassthroughthevalleyoftheshadowofdeath。Hischastisementsaremighty;andonesmotemewhichhashumbledmeforever。YouknowIwasproudofmystrength:butwhatisitnow,whenImustgiveitovertoforeignguidance,asachilddoesitsweakness?Oflate,Jane—only—onlyoflate—IbegantoseeandacknowledgethehandofGodinmydoom。Ibegantoexperienceremorse,repentance;thewishforreconcilementtomyMaker。Ibegansometimestopray:verybriefprayerstheywere,butverysincere。
“Somedayssince:nay,Icannumberthem—four;itwaslastMondaynight,asingularmoodcameoverme:oneinwhichgriefreplacedfrenzy—sorrow,sullenness。IhadlonghadtheimpressionthatsinceIcouldnowherefindyou,youmustbedead。Latethatnight—perhapsitmightbebetweenelevenandtwelveo’clock—ereIretiredtomydrearyrest,IsupplicatedGod,that,ifitseemedgoodtoHim,Imightsoonbetakenfromthislife,andadmittedtothatworldtocome,wheretherewasstillhopeofrejoiningJane。
“Iwasinmyownroom,andsittingbythewindow,whichwasopen:itsoothedmetofeelthebalmynight—air;thoughIcouldseenostarsandonlybyavague,luminoushaze,knewthepresenceofamoon。Ilongedforthee,Janet!Oh,Ilongedfortheebothwithsoulandflesh!IaskedofGod,atonceinanguishandhumility,ifIhadnotbeenlongenoughdesolate,afflicted,tormented;andmightnotsoontasteblissandpeaceoncemore。ThatImeritedallIendured,Iacknowledged—thatIcouldscarcelyenduremore,Ipleaded;andthealphaandomegaofmyheart’swishesbrokeinvoluntarilyfrommylipsinthewords—‘Jane!Jane!Jane!’”
“Didyouspeakthesewordsaloud?”
“Idid,Jane。Ifanylistenerhadheardme,hewouldhavethoughtmemad:Ipronouncedthemwithsuchfranticenergy。”
“AnditwaslastMondaynight,somewherenearmidnight?”
“Yes;butthetimeisofnoconsequence:whatfollowedisthestrangepoint。Youwillthinkmesuperstitious,—somesuperstitionIhaveinmyblood,andalwayshad:nevertheless,thisistrue—trueatleastitisthatIheardwhatInowrelate。
“AsIexclaimed‘Jane!Jane!Jane!’avoice—Icannottellwhencethevoicecame,butIknowwhosevoiceitwas—replied,‘Iamcoming:waitforme;’andamomentafter,wentwhisperingonthewindthewords—‘Whereareyou?’
“I’lltellyou,ifIcan,theidea,thepicturethesewordsopenedtomymind:yetitisdifficulttoexpresswhatIwanttoexpress。Ferndeanisburied,asyousee,inaheavywood,wheresoundfallsdull,anddiesunreverberating。‘Whereareyou?’seemedspokenamongstmountains;forIheardahill—sentechorepeatthewords。Coolerandfresheratthemomentthegaleseemedtovisitmybrow:Icouldhavedeemedthatinsomewild,lonescene,IandJaneweremeeting。Inspirit,Ibelievewemusthavemet。Younodoubtwere,atthathour,inunconscioussleep,Jane:perhapsyoursoulwanderedfromitscelltocomfortmine;forthosewereyouraccents—ascertainasIlive—theywereyours!”
Reader,itwasonMondaynight—nearmidnight—thatItoohadreceivedthemysterioussummons:thoseweretheverywordsbywhichIrepliedtoit。IlistenedtoMr。Rochester’snarrative,butmadenodisclosureinreturn。Thecoincidencestruckmeastooawfulandinexplicabletobecommunicatedordiscussed。IfItoldanything,mytalewouldbesuchasmustnecessarilymakeaprofoundimpressiononthemindofmyhearer:andthatmind,yetfromitssufferingstoopronetogloom,needednotthedeepershadeofthesupernatural。Ikeptthesethingsthen,andponderedtheminmyheart。
“Youcannotnowwonder,”continuedmymaster,“thatwhenyouroseuponmesounexpectedlylastnight,Ihaddifficultyinbelievingyouanyotherthanamerevoiceandvision,somethingthatwouldmelttosilenceandannihilation,asthemidnightwhisperandmountainechohadmeltedbefore。Now,IthankGod!Iknowittobeotherwise。Yes,IthankGod!”
Heputmeoffhisknee,rose,andreverentlyliftinghishatfromhisbrow,andbendinghissightlesseyestotheearth,hestoodinmutedevotion。Onlythelastwordsoftheworshipwereaudible。
“IthankmyMaker,that,inthemidstofjudgment,hehasrememberedmercy。IhumblyentreatmyRedeemertogivemestrengthtoleadhenceforthapurerlifethanIhavedonehitherto!”
Thenhestretchedhishandouttobeled。Itookthatdearhand,helditamomenttomylips,thenletitpassroundmyshoulder:beingsomuchlowerofstaturethanhe,Iservedbothforhispropandguide。Weenteredthewood,andwendedhomeward。
Chapter38—CONCLUSION
Reader,Imarriedhim。Aquietweddingwehad:heandI,theparsonandclerk,werealonepresent。Whenwegotbackfromchurch,Iwentintothekitchenofthemanor—house,whereMarywascookingthedinnerandJohncleaningtheknives,andIsaid—
“Mary,IhavebeenmarriedtoMr。Rochesterthismorning。”Thehousekeeperandherhusbandwerebothofthatdecentphlegmaticorderofpeople,towhomonemayatanytimesafelycommunicatearemarkablepieceofnewswithoutincurringthedangerofhavingone’searspiercedbysomeshrillejaculation,andsubsequentlystunnedbyatorrentofwordywonderment。Marydidlookup,andshedidstareatme:theladlewithwhichshewasbastingapairofchickensroastingatthefire,didforsomethreeminuteshangsuspendedinair;andforthesamespaceoftimeJohn’sknivesalsohadrestfromthepolishingprocess:butMary,bendingagainovertheroast,saidonly—
“Haveyou,Miss?Well,forsure!”
Ashorttimeaftershepursued—“Iseedyougooutwiththemaster,butIdidn’tknowyouweregonetochurchtobewed;”andshebastedaway。John,whenIturnedtohim,wasgrinningfromeartoear。
“ItelledMaryhowitwouldbe,”hesaid:“IknewwhatMr。Edward”(Johnwasanoldservant,andhadknownhismasterwhenhewasthecadetofthehouse,therefore,heoftengavehimhisChristianname)—“IknewwhatMr。Edwardwoulddo;andIwascertainhewouldnotwaitlongneither:andhe’sdoneright,foraughtIknow。Iwishyoujoy,Miss!”andhepolitelypulledhisforelock。
“Thankyou,John。Mr。RochestertoldmetogiveyouandMarythis。”Iputintohishandafive—poundnote。Withoutwaitingtohearmore,Ileftthekitchen。Inpassingthedoorofthatsanctumsometimeafter,Icaughtthewords—
“She’llhappendobetterforhimnoronyo’t’grandladies。”Andagain,“Ifsheben’toneo’th’handsomest,she’snoanfaalandvarrygood—natured;andi’hiseenshe’sfairbeautiful,onybodymayseethat。”
IwrotetoMoorHouseandtoCambridgeimmediately,tosaywhatIhaddone:fullyexplainingalsowhyIhadthusacted。DianaandMaryapprovedthestepunreservedly。Dianaannouncedthatshewouldjustgivemetimetogetoverthehoneymoon,andthenshewouldcomeandseeme。
“Shehadbetternotwaittillthen,Jane,”saidMr。Rochester,whenIreadherlettertohim;“ifshedoes,shewillbetoolate,forourhoneymoonwillshineourlifelong:itsbeamswillonlyfadeoveryourgraveormine。”
HowSt。Johnreceivedthenews,Idon’tknow:heneveransweredtheletterinwhichIcommunicatedit:yetsixmonthsafterhewrotetome,without,however,mentioningMr。Rochester’snameoralludingtomymarriage。Hisletterwasthencalm,and,thoughveryserious,kind。Hehasmaintainedaregular,thoughnotfrequent,correspondenceeversince:hehopesIamhappy,andtrustsIamnotofthosewholivewithoutGodintheworld,andonlymindearthlythings。
YouhavenotquiteforgottenlittleAdèle,haveyou,reader?Ihadnot;IsoonaskedandobtainedleaveofMr。Rochester,togoandseeherattheschoolwherehehadplacedher。Herfranticjoyatbeholdingmeagainmovedmemuch。Shelookedpaleandthin:shesaidshewasnothappy。Ifoundtherulesoftheestablishmentweretoostrict,itscourseofstudytoosevereforachildofherage:Itookherhomewithme。Imeanttobecomehergovernessoncemore,butIsoonfoundthisimpracticable;mytimeandcareswerenowrequiredbyanother—myhusbandneededthemall。SoIsoughtoutaschoolconductedonamoreindulgentsystem,andnearenoughtopermitofmyvisitingheroften,andbringingherhomesometimes。Itookcaresheshouldneverwantforanythingthatcouldcontributetohercomfort:shesoonsettledinhernewabode,becameveryhappythere,andmadefairprogressinherstudies。Asshegrewup,asoundEnglisheducationcorrectedinagreatmeasureherFrenchdefects;andwhensheleftschool,Ifoundinherapleasingandobligingcompanion:docile,good—tempered,andwell—principled。Byhergratefulattentiontomeandmine,shehaslongsincewellrepaidanylittlekindnessIeverhaditinmypowertoofferher。
Mytaledrawstoitsclose:onewordrespectingmyexperienceofmarriedlife,andonebriefglanceatthefortunesofthosewhosenameshavemostfrequentlyrecurredinthisnarrative,andIhavedone。
Ihavenowbeenmarriedtenyears。IknowwhatitistoliveentirelyforandwithwhatIlovebestonearth。Iholdmyselfsupremelyblest—blestbeyondwhatlanguagecanexpress;becauseIammyhusband’slifeasfullyisheismine。NowomanwasevernearertohermatethanIam:evermoreabsolutelyboneofhisboneandfleshofhisflesh。IknownowearinessofmyEdward’ssociety:heknowsnoneofmine,anymorethanweeachdoofthepulsationoftheheartthatbeatsinourseparatebosoms;consequently,weareevertogether。Tobetogetherisforustobeatonceasfreeasinsolitude,asgayasincompany。Wetalk,Ibelieve,alldaylong:totalktoeachotherisbutamoreanimatedandanaudiblethinking。Allmyconfidenceisbestowedonhim,allhisconfidenceisdevotedtome;wearepreciselysuitedincharacter—perfectconcordistheresult。
Mr。Rochestercontinuedblindthefirsttwoyearsofourunion;perhapsitwasthatcircumstancethatdrewussoverynear—thatknitussoveryclose:forIwasthenhisvision,asIamstillhisrighthand。Literally,Iwas(whatheoftencalledme)theappleofhiseye。Hesawnature—hesawbooksthroughme;andneverdidIwearyofgazingforhisbehalf,andofputtingintowordstheeffectoffield,tree,town,river,cloud,sunbeam—ofthelandscapebeforeus;oftheweatherroundus—andimpressingbysoundonhisearwhatlightcouldnolongerstamponhiseye。NeverdidIwearyofreadingtohim;neverdidIwearyofconductinghimwherehewishedtogo:ofdoingforhimwhathewishedtobedone。Andtherewasapleasureinmyservices,mostfull,mostexquisite,eventhoughsad—becauseheclaimedtheseserviceswithoutpainfulshameordampinghumiliation。Helovedmesotruly,thatheknewnoreluctanceinprofitingbymyattendance:hefeltIlovedhimsofondly,thattoyieldthatattendancewastoindulgemysweetestwishes。
Onemorningattheendofthetwoyears,asIwaswritingalettertohisdictation,hecameandbentoverme,andsaid—“Jane,haveyouaglitteringornamentroundyourneck?”
Ihadagoldwatch—chain:Ianswered“Yes。”
“Andhaveyouapalebluedresson?”
Ihad。Heinformedmethen,thatforsometimehehadfanciedtheobscuritycloudingoneeyewasbecominglessdense;andthatnowhewassureofit。
HeandIwentuptoLondon。Hehadtheadviceofaneminentoculist;andheeventuallyrecoveredthesightofthatoneeye。Hecannotnowseeverydistinctly:hecannotreadorwritemuch;buthecanfindhiswaywithoutbeingledbythehand:theskyisnolongerablanktohim—theearthnolongeravoid。Whenhisfirst—bornwasputintohisarms,hecouldseethattheboyhadinheritedhisowneyes,astheyoncewere—large,brilliant,andblack。Onthatoccasion,heagain,withafullheart,acknowledgedthatGodhadtemperedjudgmentwithmercy。
MyEdwardandI,then,arehappy:andthemoreso,becausethosewemostlovearehappylikewise。DianaandMaryRiversarebothmarried:alternately,onceeveryyear,theycometoseeus,andwegotoseethem。Diana’shusbandisacaptaininthenavy,agallantofficerandagoodman。Mary’sisaclergyman,acollegefriendofherbrother’s,and,fromhisattainmentsandprinciples,worthyoftheconnection。BothCaptainFitzjamesandMr。Whartonlovetheirwives,andarelovedbythem。
AstoSt。JohnRivers,heleftEngland:hewenttoIndia。Heenteredonthepathhehadmarkedforhimself;hepursuesitstill。Amoreresolute,indefatigablepioneerneverwroughtamidstrocksanddangers。Firm,faithful,anddevoted,fullofenergy,andzeal,andtruth,helaboursforhisrace;heclearstheirpainfulwaytoimprovement;hehewsdownlikeagianttheprejudicesofcreedandcastethatencumberit。Hemaybestern;hemaybeexacting;hemaybeambitiousyet;buthisisthesternnessofthewarriorGreatheart,whoguardshispilgrimconvoyfromtheonslaughtofApollyon。Hisistheexactionoftheapostle,whospeaksbutforChrist,whenhesays—“Whosoeverwillcomeafterme,lethimdenyhimself,andtakeuphiscrossandfollowme。”Hisistheambitionofthehighmaster—spirit,whichaimstofillaplaceinthefirstrankofthosewhoareredeemedfromtheearth—whostandwithoutfaultbeforethethroneofGod,whosharethelastmightyvictoriesoftheLamb,whoarecalled,andchosen,andfaithful。
St。Johnisunmarried:heneverwillmarrynow。Himselfhashithertosufficedtothetoil,andthetoildrawsnearitsclose:hisglorioussunhastenstoitssetting。ThelastletterIreceivedfromhimdrewfrommyeveshumantears,andyetfilledmyheartwithdivinejoy:heanticipatedhissurereward,hisincorruptiblecrown。Iknowthatastranger’shandwillwritetomenext,tosaythatthegoodandfaithfulservanthasbeencalledatlengthintothejoyofhisLord。Andwhyweepforthis?NofearofdeathwilldarkenSt。John’slasthour:hismindwillbeunclouded,hisheartwillbeundaunted,hishopewillbesure,hisfaithsteadfast。Hisownwordsareapledgeofthis—
“MyMaster,”hesays,“hasforewarnedme。DailyHeannouncesmoredistinctly,—‘SurelyIcomequickly!’andhourlyImoreeagerlyrespond,—‘Amen;evensocome,LordJesus!’”
第33章