Theywantworldsofwaistcoatsandforestsoftrousersandpagodasoftallhatstopplinguptothestars。
　　ThusitiswiththelingeringMummersatChristmasinthecountry。IfourmorerefinedreviversofMiraclePlaysorMorriceDancestriedtoreconstructtheoldMummers'PlayofSt。GeorgeandtheTurkishKnightIdonotknowwhytheydonottheywouldthinkatonceofpicturesqueandappropriatedresses。St。George'spanoplywouldbepicturedfromthebestbooksofarmourandblazonry:theTurkishKnight'sarmsandornamentswouldbetracedfromthefinestSaracenicarabesques。WhenmygardendooropenedonChristmasEveandSt。GeorgeofEnglandentered，theappearanceofthatchampionwasslightlydifferent。Hisfacewasenergeticallyblackedalloverwithsoot，abovewhichheworeanagedandverytalltophat；heworehisshirtoutsidehiscoatlikeasurplice，andheflourishedathickumbrella。Nowdonot，Ibegyou，talkabout"ignorance"；orsupposethattheMummerinquestionheisaverypleasantRatcatcher，withatenorvoicedidthisbecauseheknewnobetter。TrytorealisethatevenaRatcatcherknowsSt。GeorgeofEnglandwasnotblack，anddidnotkilltheDragonwithanumbrella。TheRat-catcherisnotunderthisdelusion；anymorethanPaulVeronesethoughtthatverygoodmenhaveluminousringsroundtheirheads；anymorethanthePopethinksthatChristwashedthefeetofthetwelveinaCathedral；anymorethantheDukeofNorfolkthinksthelionsonatabardarelikethelionsattheZoo。Thesethingsaredenaturalisedbecausetheyaresymbols；becausetheextraordinaryoccasionmusthideorevendisfiguretheordinarypeople。BlackfacesweretomediaevalmummerieswhatcarvedmasksweretoGreekplays:itwascalledbeing"vizarded。”
　　MyRat-catcherisnotsufficientlyarroganttosupposeforamomentthathelookslikeSt。George。Butheissufficientlyhumbletobeconvincedthatifhelooksaslittlelikehimselfashecan，hewillbeontherightroad。
　　ThisisthesoulofMumming；theostentatioussecrecyofmenindisguise。
　　Thereare，ofcourse，othermediaevalelementsinitwhicharealsodifficulttoexplaintothefastidiousmediaevalistsofto-day。Thereis，forinstance，acertainoutputofviolenceintothevoid。Itcanbestbedefinedasaragingthirsttoknockmendownwithoutthefaintestdesiretohurtthem。Alltherhymeswiththeoldringhavethetrickofturningoneverythinginwhichtherhymstersmostsincerelybelieved，merelyforthepleasureofblowingoffsteaminstartlingyetcarelessphrases。WhenTennysonsaysthatKingArthur"drewallthepettyprincedomsunderhim，"and"madearealmandruled，"hisgraveRoyalismisquitemodern。Manymediaevals，outsidethemediaevalrepublics，believedinmonarchyassolemnlyasTennyson。Butthatolderverse-
　　WhengoodKingArthurruledthislandHewasagoodlyKing——
　　Hestolethreepecksofbarley-mealTomakeabag-pudding。
　　isfarmoreArthurianthananythinginTheIdyllsoftheKing。Thereareotherelements；especiallythatsacredthingthatcanperhapsbecalledAnachronism。AllthattousisAnachronismwastomediaevalsmerelyEternity。ButthemainexcellenceoftheMummingPlayliesstill，I
　　think，initsuproarioussecrecy。Ifwecannothideourheartsinhealthydarkness，atleastwecanhideourfacesinhealthyblacking。Ifyoucannotescapelikeaphilosopherintoaforest，atleastyoucancarrytheforestwithyou，likeaJack-in-the-Green。Itiswelltowalkunderuniversalensigns；andthereisanoldtaleofatyranttowhomawalkingforestwasthewitnessofdoom。That，indeed，istheveryintensityofthenotion:amaskedmanisominous；butwhoshallfaceamobofmasks？
　　THEARISTOCRATIC'ARRY
　　TheCheapTripper，pursuedbythecursesoftheaesthetesandtheantiquaries，reallyis，Isuppose，asymptomofthestrangeandalmostunearthlyuglinessofourdiseasedsociety。Thecostumesandcustomsofahundredpeasantriesaretheretoprovethatsuchuglinessdoesnotnecessarilyfollowfrommerepoverty，ormeredemocracy，ormereunletteredsimplicityofmind。
　　Butthoughthetripper，artisticallyconsidered，isasignofourdecadence，heisnotoneofitsworstsigns，butrelativelyoneofitsbest；oneofitsmostinnocentandmostsincere。Comparedwithmanyofthephilosophersandartistswhodenouncehim；helookslikeaGodfearingfisheroranoblemountaineer。Hisan-ticswithdonkeysandconcertinas，crowdedchar-abancs，andexchangedhats，thoughclumsy，arenotsoviciousorevensofundamentallyvulgarasmanyoftheamusementsoftheovereducated。Peoplearenotmorecrowdedonachar-a-bancthantheyareatapolitical"AtHome，"orevenanartisticsoiree；andifthefemaletrippersareoverdressed，atleasttheyarenotoverdressedandunderdressedatthesametime。Itisbettertorideadonkeythantobeadonkey。ItisbettertodealwiththeCockneyfestivalwhichasksmenandwomentochangehats，ratherthanwiththemodernUtopiathatwantsthemtochangeheads。
　　Butthetruthisthatsuchsmall，butreal，elementofvulgarityasthereisindeedinthetripper，ispartofacertainfollyandfalsitywhichischaracteristicofmuchmodernity，andespeciallyoftheverypeoplewhopersecutethepoortrippermost。Thereissomethinginthewholesociety，andevenespeciallyintheculturedpartofit，thatdoesthingsinaclumsyandunbeautifulway。
　　AcaseoccurstomeinthematterofStonehenge，whichIhappenedtovisityesterday。NowtoapersonreallycapableoffeelingthepoetryofStonehengeitisalmostasecondarymatterwhetherheseesStonehengeatall。ThevastvoidrolloftheemptylandtowardsSalisbury，thegraytablelandslikeprimevalaltars，thetrailingrain-clouds，thevapourofprimevalsacrifices，wouldalltellhimofaveryancientandverylonelyBritain。ItwouldnotspoilhisDruidicmoodifhemissedStonehenge。
　　ButitdoesspoilhismoodtofindStonehenge——surroundedbyabrand-newfenceofbarbedwire，withapolicemanandalittleshopsellingpicturepost-cards。
　　Nowifyouprotestagainstthis，educatedpeoplewillinstantlyansweryou，"Oh，itwasdonetopreventthevulgartripperswhochipstonesandcarvenamesandspoilthelookofStonehenge。”ItdoesnotseemtooccurtothemthatbarbedwireandapolicemanratherspoilthelookofStonehenge。Thescratchingofaname，particularlywhenperformedwithbluntpenknifeorpencilbyapersonofimperfectSchoolBoardeducation，canbetrustedinalittlewhiletobeindistinguishablefromthegrayesthieroglyphicbythegrandestDruidofold。ButnobodycouldgetamodernpolicemanintothesamepicturewithaDruid。Thisreallyvitalpieceofvandalismwasdonebytheeducated，nottheuneducated；itwasdonebytheinfluenceoftheartistsorantiquarieswhowantedtopreservetheantiquebeautyofStonehenge。Itseemstomecurioustopreserveyourlady'sbeautyfromfrecklesbyblackingherfaceallover；ortoprotectthepurewhitenessofyourweddinggarmentbydyeingitgreen。
　　Andifyouask，"Butwhatelsecouldanyonehavedone，whatcouldthemostartisticagehavedonetosavethemonument？"Ireply，"TherearehundredsofthingsthatGreeksorMediaevalsmighthavedone；andIhavenonotionwhattheywouldhavechosen；butIsaythatbyaninstinctintheirwholesocietytheywouldhavedonesomethingthatwasdecentandseriousandsuitabletotheplace。Perhapssomefamilyofknightsorwarriorswouldhavethehereditarydutyofguardingsuchaplace。Ifsotheirarmourwouldbeappropriate；theirtentswouldbeappropriate；notdeliberately——theywouldgrowlikethat。Perhapssomereligiousordersuchasnormallyemploynocturnalwatchesandtherelievingofguardwouldprotectsuchaplace。Perhapsitwouldbeprotectedbyallsortsofrituals，consecrations，orcurses，whichwouldseemtoyoumereravingsuperstitionandsilliness。Buttheydonotseemtomeonetwentiethpartsosilly，fromapurelyrationalistpointofview，ascalmlymakingaspothideousinordertokeepitbeautiful。”
　　Thethingthatisreallyvulgar，thethingthatisreallyvile，istoliveinagoodplaceWithoutlivingbyitslife。Anyonewhosettlesdowninaplacewithoutbecomingpartofitisbarringpeculiarpersonalcases，ofcourseatripperorwanderingcad。Forinstance，theJewisagenuinepeculiarcase。TheWanderingJewisnotawanderingcad。Heisahighlycivilisedmaninahighlydifficultposition；theworldbeingdivided，andhisownnationbeingdivided，aboutwhetherhecandoanythingelseexceptwander。
　　Thebestexampleofthecultured，butcommon，tripperistheeducatedEnglishmanontheContinent。WecannolongerexplainthequarrelbycallingEnglishmenrudeandforeignerspolite。HundredsofEnglishmenareextremelypolite，andthousandsofforeignersareextremelyrude。ThetruthofthematteristhatforeignersdonotresenttherudeEnglishman。
　　Whattheydoresent，whattheydomostjustlyresent，isthepoliteEnglishman。HevisitsItalyforBotticellisorFlandersforRembrandts，andhetreatsthegreatnationsthatmadethesethingscourteously——ashewouldtreatthecustodiansofanymuseum。ItdoesnotseemtostrikehimthattheItalianisnotthecustodianofthepictures，butthecreatorofthem。Hecanaffordtolookdownonsuchnations——whenhecanpaintsuchpictures。
　　Thatis，inmattersofartandtravel，thepsychologyofthecad。If，livinginItaly，youadmireItalianartwhiledistrustingItaliancharacter，youareatourist，orcad。If，livinginItaly，youadmireItalianartwhiledespisingItalianreligion，youareatourist，orcad。
　　Itdoesnotmatterhowmanyyearsyouhavelivedthere。Touristswilloftenlivealongtimeinhotelswithoutdiscoveringthenationalityofthewaiters。EnglishmenwilloftenlivealongtimeinItalywithoutdiscoveringthenationalityoftheItalians。Butthetestissimple。IfyouadmirewhatItaliansdidwithoutadmiringItalians——youareacheaptripper。
　　Thesame，ofcourse，appliesmuchnearerhome。IhaveremarkedelsewherethatcountryshopkeepersarejustlyoffendedbyLondonpeople，who，comingamongthem，continuetoorderalltheirgoodsfromLondon。Itiscaddishtowinkandsquintatthecolourofaman'swine，likeawinetaster；andthenrefusetodrinkit。Itisequallycaddishtowinkandsquintatthecolourofaman'sorchard，likealandscapepainter；
　　andthenrefusetobuytheapples。Itisalwaysaninsulttoadmireathingandnotuseit。ButthemainpointisthatonehasnorighttoseeStonehengewithoutSalisburyPlainandSalisbury:OnehasnorighttorespectthedeadItalianswithoutrespectingtheliveones。OnehasnorighttovisitaChristiansocietylikeadivervisitingthedeep-seafishes——fedalongalengthytubebyanotheratmosphere，andseeingthesightswithoutbreathingtheair。Itisveryrealbadmanners。
　　THENEWTHEOLOGIAN
　　Itisanoldstorythatnamesdonotfitthings；itisanoldstorythattheoldestforestiscalledtheNewForest，andthatIrishstewisalmostpeculiartoEngland。Butthesearetraditionaltitlesthattend，oftheirnature，tostiffen；itisthetragedyofto-daythatevenphrasesinventedforto-daydonotfitit。Theforesthasremainednewwhileitisnearlyathousandyearsold；butourfashionshavegrownoldwhiletheywerestillnew。
　　Theextremeexampleofthisisthatwhenmodernwrongsareattacked，theyarealmostalwaysattackedwrongly。Peopleseemtohaveapositiveinspirationforfindingtheinappropriatephrasetoapplytoanoffender；
　　theyarealwaysaccusingamanoftheftwhenhehasbeenconvictedofmurder。TheymustaccuseSirEdwardCarsonofoutrageousrebellion，whenhisoffencehasreallybeenasleeksubmissiontothepowersthatbe。
　　TheymustdescribeMr。LloydGeorgeasusinghiseloquencetorousethemob，whereashehasreallyshownconsiderableclevernessindampingitdown。ItwasprobablyunderthesameimpulsetowardsamysteriousmisfitofnamesthatpeopledenouncedDr。Ingeas"theGloomyDean。”
　　NowthereisnothingwhateverwrongaboutbeingaDean；noristhereanythingwrongaboutbeinggloomy。Theonlyquestioniswhatdarkbutsinceremotiveshavemadeyougloomy。WhatdarkbutsinceremotiveshavemadeyouaDean。NowtheaddressofDr。Ingewhichgainedhimthiserroneoustitlewasmostlyconcernedwithadefenceofthemoderncapitalistsagainstthemodernstrikers，fromwhoseprotestheappearedtoanticipateappallingresults。Nowifwelookatthefactsaboutthatgentleman'sdepressionandalsoabouthisDeanery，weshallfindaverycuriousstateofthings。
　　WhenDr。Ingewascalled"theGloomyDean"agreatinjusticewasdonehim。Hehadappearedasthechampionofourcapitalistcommunityagainsttheforcesofrevolt；andanyonewhodoesthatexceedsinoptimismratherthanpessimism。Amanwhoreallythinksthatstrikershavesufferednowrong，orthatemployershavedonenowrong——suchamanisnotaGloomyDean，butaquitewildlyanddangerouslyhappyDean。Amanwhocanfeelsatisfiedwithmodernindustrialismmustbeamanwithamysteriousfountainofhighspirits。Andtheactualoccasionisnotlesscurious；because，asfarasIcanmakeout，histitletogloomreposesonhishavingsaidthatourworker'sdemandhighwages，whiletheplacidpeopleoftheFarEastwillquitecheerfullyworkforless。
　　Thisistrueenough，ofcourse，andtheredoesnotseemtobemuchdifficultyaboutthematter。MenoftheFarEastwillsubmittoverylowwagesforthesamereasonthattheywillsubmitto"thepunishmentknownasLi，orSlicing"；forthesamereasonthattheywillpraisepolygamyandsuicide；forthesamereasonthattheysubjectthewifeutterlytothehusbandorhisparents；forthesamereasonthattheyservetheirtempleswithprostitutesforpriests；forthesamereasonthattheysometimesseemtomakenodistinctionbetweensexualpassionandsexualperversion。Theydoit，thatis，becausetheyareHeathens；menwithtraditionsdifferentfromoursaboutthelimitsofenduranceandthegesturesofself-respect。Theymaybeverymuchbetterthanweareinhundredsofotherways；andIcanquiteunderstandamanthoughhardlyaDeanreallypreferringtheirhistoricvirtuestothoseofChristendom。
　　AmanmayperhapsfeelmorecomfortableamonghisAsiaticcooliesthanamonghisEuropeancomrades:andaswearetoallowtheBroadestThoughtintheChurch，Dr。Ingehasasmuchrighttohisheresyasanybodyelse。
　　Itistruethat，asDr。Ingesays，therearenumberlessOrientalswhowilldoagreatdealofworkforverylittlemoney；anditismostundoubtedlytruethatthereareseveralhigh-placedandprosperousEuropeanswholiketogetworkdoneandpayaslittleaspossibleforit。
　　ButIcannotmakeoutwhy，withhisenthusiasmforheathenhabitsandtraditions，theDeanshouldwishtospreadintheEasttheideaswhichhehasfoundsodreadfullyunsettlingintheWest。IfsomethousandsofyearsofpaganismhaveproducedthepatienceandindustrythatDeanIngeadmires，andifsomethousandyearsofChristianityhaveproducedthesentimentalityandsensationalismwhichheregrets，theobviousdeductionisthatDeanIngewouldbemuchhappierifhewereaheathenChinese。
　　InsteadofsupportingChristianmissionstoKoreaorJapan，heoughttobeattheheadofagreatmissioninLondonforconvertingtheEnglishtoTaoismorBuddhism。Therehispassionforthemoralbeautiesofpaganismwouldhavefreeandnaturalplay；hisstylewouldimprove；hismindwouldbeginslowlytoclear；andhewouldbefreefromallsortsoflittleirritatingscrupulositieswhichmusthampereventhemostConservativeChristianinhisfullpraiseofsweatingandthesack。
　　InChristendomhewillneverfindrest。Theperpetualpubliccriticismandpublicchangewhichisthenoteofallourhistoryspringsfromacertainspiritfartoodeeptobedefined。Itisdeeperthandemocracy；
　　nay，itmayoftenappeartobenon-democratic；foritmayoftenbethespecialdefenceofaminorityoranindividual。Itwilloftenleavetheninety-and-nineinthewildernessandgoafterthatwhichislost。ItwilloftenrisktheStateitselftorightasinglewrong；anddojusticethoughtheheavensfall。ItshighestexpressionisnotevenintheformulaofthegreatgentlemenoftheFrenchRevolutionwhosaidthatallmenwerefreeandequal。Itshighestexpressionisratherintheformulaofthepeasantwhosaidthataman'samanfora'that。IftherewerebutoneslaveinEngland，andhedidalltheworkwhiletherestofusmademerry，thisspiritthatisinuswouldstillcryaloudtoGodnightandday。Whetherornothisspiritwasproducedby，itclearlyworkswith，acreedwhichpostulatesahumanisedGodandavividlypersonalimmortality。Menmustnotbebusymerelylikeaswarm，orevenhappymerelylikeaherd；foritisnotaquestionofmen，butofaman。A
　　man'smealsmaybepoor，buttheymustnotbebestial；theremustalwaysbethataboutthemealwhichpermitsofitscomparisontothesacrament。
　　Aman'sbedmaybehard，butitmustnotbeabjectorunclean:theremustalwaysbeaboutthebedsomethingofthedecencyofthedeath-bed。
　　ThisisthespiritwhichmakestheChristianpoorbegintheirterriblemurmurwheneverthereisaturnofpricesoradeadlockoftoilthatthreatensthemwithvagabondageorpauperisation；andwecannotencouragetheDeanwithanyhopethatthisspiritcanbecastout。ChristendomwillcontinuetosufferallthedisadvantagesofbeingChristian:itistheDeanwhomustbegentlybutfirmlyaltered。Hehadabsent-mindedlystrayedintothewrongcontinentandthewrongcreed。Iadvisehimtochuckit。
　　Butthecaseismorecuriousstill。ToconnecttheDeanwithConfuciantemplesortraditionsmayhaveappearedfantastic；butitisnot。Dr。
　　IngeisnotastupidoldToryRector，strictbothonChurchandState。
　　SuchamanmighttalknonsenseabouttheChristianSocialistsbeing"courtchaplainsofKingDemos"orabouthisownsuperbvalourindefyingthedemocracythatragesinthefrontpewsofAnglicanchurches。Weshouldnotexpectamereold-fashionedcountryclergymantoknowthatDemoshasneverbeenkinginEnglandandpreciousseldomanywhereelse；
　　weshouldnotexpecthimtorealisethatifKingDemoshadanychaplainstheywouldbeuncommonlypoorlypaid。ButDr。Ingeisnotold-fashioned；
　　heconsidershimselfhighlyprogressiveandadvanced。HeisaNewTheologian；thatis，heisliberalintheology——andnothingelse。Heisapparentlyinsoberfact，andnotasinanyfantasy，insympathywiththosewhowouldsoftenthesuperiorclaimofourcreedbyurgingtherivalcreedsoftheEast；withthosewhowouldabsorbthevirtuesofBuddhismorofIslam。HeholdsahighseatinthatmodernParliamentofReligionswhereallbelieversrespecteachother'sunbelief。
　　Nowthishasaverysharpmoralformodernreligiousreformers。Whennextyouhearthe"liberal"ChristiansaythatweshouldtakewhatisbestinOrientalfaiths，makequitesurewhatarethethingsthatpeoplelikeDr。Ingecallbest；whatarethethingsthatpeoplelikeDr。Ingeproposetotake。YouwillnotfindthemimitatingthemilitaryvalouroftheMoslem。YouwillnotfindthemimitatingthemiraculousecstasyoftheHindoo。Themoreyoustudythe"broad"movementoftoday，themoreyouwillfindthatthesepeoplewantsomethingmuchlesslikeChinesemetaphysics，andsomethingmuchmorelikeChineseLabour。Youwillfindthelevellingofcreedsquiteunexpectedlyclosetotheloweringofwages。
　　Dr。Ingeisthetypicallatitudinarianofto-day；andwasnevermoresothanwhenheappearednotastheapostleoftheblacks，butastheapostleoftheblacklegs。Preached，asitis，almostentirelyamongtheprosperousandpolite，ourbrotherhoodwithBuddhismorMohammedanismpracticallymeansthis——thatthepoormustbeasmeekasBuddhists，whiletherichmaybeasruthlessasMohammedans。Thatiswhattheycallthereunionofallreligions。
　　THEROMANTICINTHERAIN
　　ThemiddleclassesofmodernEnglandarequitefanaticallyfondofwashing；andareoftenenthusiasticforteetotalism。Icannotthereforecomprehendwhyitisthattheyexhibitamysteriousdislikeofrain。
　　Rain，thatinspiringanddelightfulthing，surelycombinesthequalitiesofthesetwoidealswithquiteacuriousperfection。Ourphilanthropistsareeagertoestablishpublicbathseverywhere。Rainsurelyisapublicbath；itmightalmostbecalledmixedbathing。Theappearanceofpersonscomingfreshfromthisgreatnaturallustrationisnotperhapspolishedordignified；butforthematterofthat，fewpeoplearedignifiedwhencomingoutofabath。Buttheschemeofraininitselfisoneofanenormouspurification。Itrealisesthedreamofsomeinsanehygienist:
　　itscrubsthesky。ItsgiantbroomsandmopsseemtoreachthestarryraftersandStarlesscornersofthecosmos；itisacosmicspring-
　　cleaning。
　　IftheEnglishmanisreallyfondofcoldbaths，heoughtnottogrumbleattheEnglishclimateforbeingacoldbath。Inthesedaysweareconstantlytoldthatweshouldleaveourlittlespecialpossessionsandjoinintheenjoymentofcommonsocialinstitutionsandacommonsocialmachinery。IoffertherainasathoroughlySocialisticinstitution。Itdisregardsthatdegradeddelicacywhichhashithertoledeachgentlemantotakehisshower-bathinprivate。Itisabettershower-bath，becauseitispublicandcommunal；and，bestofall，becausesomebodyelsepullsthestring。
　　Asforthefascinationofrainforthewaterdrinker，itisafacttheneglectofwhichIsimplycannotcomprehend。Theenthusiasticwaterdrinkermustregardarainstormasasortofuniversalbanquetanddebauchofhisownfavouritebeverage。Thinkoftheimaginativeintoxicationofthewinedrinkerifthecrimsoncloudssentdownclaretorthegoldencloudshock。Paintuponprimitivedarknesssomesuchscenesofapocalypse，toweringandgorgeousskyscapesinwhichchampagnefallslikefirefromheavenorthedarkskiesgrowpurpleandtawnywiththeterriblecoloursofport。Allthismustthewildabstainerfeel，asherollsinthelongsoakinggrass，kickshisecstaticheelstoheaven，andlistenstotheroaringrain。Itishe，thewaterdrinker，whooughttobethetruebacchanaloftheforests；foralltheforestsaredrinkingwater。Moreover，theforestsareapparentlyenjoyingit:thetreesraveandreeltoandfrolikedrunkengiants；theyclashboughsasrevellersclashcups；theyroarundyingthirstandhowlthehealthoftheworld。
　　AllaroundmeasIwriteisanoiseofNaturedrinking:andNaturemakesanoisewhensheisdrinking，beingbynomeansrefined。IfIcountitChristianmercytogiveacupofcoldwatertoasufferer，shallI
　　complainofthesemultitudinouscupsofcoldwaterhandedroundtoalllivingthings；acupofwaterforeveryshrub；acupofwaterforeveryweed？Iwouldbeashamedtogrumbleatit。AsSirPhilipSidneysaid，theirneedisgreaterthanmine——especiallyforwater。
　　ThereisawildgarmentthatstillcarriesnoblythenameofawildHighlandclan:aelancomefromthosehillswhererainisnotsomuchanincidentasanatmosphere。SurelyeverymanofimaginationmustfeelatempestuousflameofCelticromancespringupwithinhimwheneverheputsonamackintosh。Icouldneverreconcilemyselftocarryingallumbrella；
　　itisapompousEasternbusiness，carriedovertheheadsofdespotsinthedry，hotlands。Shutup，anumbrellaisanunmanageablewalking-
　　stick；open，itisaninadequatetent。Formypart，Ihavenotasteforpretendingtobeawalkingpavilion；Ithinknothingofmyhat，andpreciouslittleofmyhead。IfIamtobeprotectedagainstwet，itmustbebysomecloserandmorecarelessprotection，somethingthatIcanforgetaltogether。ItmightbeaHighlandplaid。ItmightbethatyetmoreHighlandthing，amackintosh。
　　AndthereisreallysomethinginthemackintoshofthemilitaryqualitiesoftheHighlander。Thepropercheapmackintoshhasablueandwhitesheenasofsteeloriron；itgleamslikearmour。Iliketothinkofitastheuniformofthatancientclaninsomeofitsoldandmistyraids。