andwiththemwentthatmagician——andhewasonarail,too,bytheabbot'sorder;andhisreputationwasinthemud,andminewasintheskyagain.
　　Yes,amancankeephistrademarkcurrentinsuchacountry,buthecan'tsitaroundanddoit;hehasgottobeondeckandattendingtobusinessrightalong.
　　AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur'sCourt-Chapter25Chapter25-ACompetitiveExaminationWHENthekingtraveledforchangeofair,ormadeaprogress,orvisitedadistantnoblewhomhewishedtobankruptwiththecostofhiskeep,partoftheadministrationmovedwithhim.Itwasafashionofthetime.TheCommissionchargedwiththeexaminationofcandidatesforpostsinthearmycamewiththekingtotheValley,whereastheycouldhavetransactedtheirbusinessjustaswellathome.Andalthoughthisexpeditionwasstrictlyaholidayexcursionfortheking,hekeptsomeofhisbusinessfunctionsgoingjustthesame.Hetouchedfortheevil,asusual;heheldcourtinthegateatsunriseandtriedcases,forhewashimselfChiefJusticeoftheKing'sBench.
　　Heshoneverywellinthislatteroffice.Hewasawiseandhumanejudge,andheclearlydidhishonestbestandfairest,——accordingtohislights.
　　Thatisalargereservation.Hislights——Imeanhisrearing——oftencoloredhisdecisions.Whenevertherewasadisputebetweenanobleorgentlemanandapersonoflowerdegree,theking'sleaningsandsympathieswerefortheformerclassalways,whetherhesuspecteditornot.Itwasimpossiblethatthisshouldbeotherwise.Thebluntingeffectsofslaveryupontheslaveholder'smoralperceptionsareknownandconceded,theworldover;andaprivilegedclass,anaristocracy,isbutabandofslaveholdersunderanothername.Thishasaharshsound,andyetshouldnotbeoffensivetoany——eventothenoblehimself——unlessthefactitselfbeanoffense:
　　forthestatementsimplyformulatesafact.TherepulsivefeatureofslaveryistheTHING,notitsname.Oneneedsbuttohearanaristocratspeakoftheclassesthatarebelowhimtorecognize——andinbutindifferentlymodifiedmeasure——theveryairandtoneoftheactualslaveholder;andbehindthesearetheslaveholder'sspirit,theslaveholder'sbluntedfeeling.
　　Theyaretheresultofthesamecauseinbothcases:thepossessor'soldandinbredcustomofregardinghimselfasasuperiorbeing.Theking'sjudgmentswroughtfrequentinjustices,butitwasmerelythefaultofhistraining,hisnaturalandunalterablesympathies.Hewasasunfittedforajudgeshipaswouldbetheaveragemotherforthepositionofmilk-distributortostarvingchildreninfamine-time;herownchildrenwouldfareashadebetterthantherest.
　　Oneverycuriouscasecamebeforetheking.Ayounggirl,anorphan,whohadaconsiderableestate,marriedafineyoungfellowwhohadnothing.
　　Thegirl'spropertywaswithinaseignioryheldbytheChurch.Thebishopofthediocese,anarrogantscionofthegreatnobility,claimedthegirl'sestateonthegroundthatshehadmarriedprivately,andthushadcheatedtheChurchoutofoneofitsrightsaslordoftheseigniory——theoneheretoforereferredtoasledroitduseigneur.Thepenaltyofrefusaloravoidancewasconfiscation.Thegirl'sdefensewas,thatthelordshipoftheseigniorywasvestedinthebishop,andtheparticularrighthereinvolvedwasnottransferable,butmustbeexercisedbythelordhimselforstandvacated;andthatanolderlaw,oftheChurchitself,strictlybarredthebishopfromexercisingit.Itwasaveryoddcase,indeed.
　　ItremindedmeofsomethingIhadreadinmyyouthabouttheingeniouswayinwhichthealdermenofLondonraisedthemoneythatbuilttheMansionHouse.ApersonwhohadnottakentheSacramentaccordingtotheAnglicanritecouldnotstandasacandidateforsheriffofLondon.ThusDissenterswereineligible;theycouldnotrunifasked,theycouldnotserveifelected.
　　Thealdermen,whowithoutanyquestionwereYankeesindisguise,hituponthisneatdevice:theypassedaby-lawimposingafineofL400uponanyonewhoshouldrefusetobeacandidateforsheriff,andafineofL600
　　uponanypersonwho,afterbeingelectedsheriff,refusedtoserve.ThentheywenttoworkandelectedalotofDissenters,oneafteranother,andkeptitupuntiltheyhadcollectedL15,000infines;andtherestandsthestatelyMansionHousetothisday,tokeeptheblushingcitizeninmindofalongpastandlamenteddaywhenabandofYankeesslippedintoLondonandplayedgamesofthesortthathasgiventheirraceauniqueandshadyreputationamongalltrulygoodandholypeoplesthatbeintheearth.
　　Thegirl'scaseseemedstrongtome;thebishop'scasewasjustasstrong.
　　Ididnotseehowthekingwasgoingtogetoutofthishole.Buthegotout.Iappendhisdecision:
　　"TrulyIfindsmalldifficultyhere,thematterbeingevenachild'saffairforsimpleness.Antheyoungbridehadconveyednotice,asindutybound,toherfeudallordandpropermasterandprotectorthebishop,shehadsufferednoloss,forthesaidbishopcouldhavegotadispensationmakinghim,fortemporaryconveniency,eligibletotheexerciseofhissaidright,andthuswouldshehavekeptallshehad.Whereas,failinginherfirstduty,shehathbythatfailurefailedinall;forwhoso,clingingtoarope,severethitabovehishands,mustfall;itbeingnodefensetoclaimthattherestoftheropeissound,neitheranydeliverancefromhisperil,asheshallfind.Pardy,thewoman'scaseisrottenatthesource.
　　Itisthedecreeofthecourtthatsheforfeittothesaidlordbishopallhergoods,eventothelastfarthingthatshedothpossess,andbetheretomulctedinthecosts.Next!"
　　Herewasatragicendtoabeautifulhoneymoonnotyetthreemonthsold.Pooryoungcreatures!Theyhadlivedthesethreemonthslappedtothelipsinworldlycomforts.Theseclothesandtrinketstheywerewearingwereasfineanddaintyastheshrewdeststretchofthesumptuarylawsallowedtopeopleoftheirdegree;andintheseprettyclothes,shecryingonhisshoulder,andhetryingtocomfortherwithhopefulwordssettothemusicofdespair,theywentfromthejudgmentseatoutintotheworldhomeless,bedless,breadless;why,theverybeggarsbytheroadsideswerenotsopoorasthey.
　　Well,thekingwasoutofthehole;andontermssatisfactorytotheChurchandtherestofthearistocracy,nodoubt.Menwritemanyfineandplausibleargumentsinsupportofmonarchy,butthefactremainsthatwhereeverymaninaStatehasavote,brutallawsareimpossible.Arthur'speoplewereofcoursepoormaterialforarepublic,becausetheyhadbeendebasedsolongbymonarchy;andyeteventheywouldhavebeenintelligentenoughtomakeshortworkofthatlawwhichthekinghadjustbeenadministeringifithadbeensubmittedtotheirfullandfreevote.Thereisaphrasewhichhasgrownsocommonintheworld'smouththatithascometoseemtohavesenseandmeaning——thesenseandmeaningimpliedwhenitisused;
　　thatisthephrasewhichreferstothisorthatortheothernationaspossiblybeing"capableofselfgovernment";andtheimpliedsenseofitis,thattherehasbeenanationsomewhere,sometimeorotherwhichWASN'T
　　capableofit——wasn'tasabletogovernitselfassomeself-appointedspecialistswereorwouldbetogovernit.Themastermindsofallnations,inallages,havesprunginaffluentmultitudefromthemassofthenation,andfromthemassofthenationonly——notfromitsprivilegedclasses;
　　andso,nomatterwhatthenation'sintellectualgradewas;whetherhighorlow,thebulkofitsabilitywasinthelongranksofitsnamelessanditspoor,andsoitneversawthedaythatithadnotthematerialinabundancewherebytogovernitself.Whichistoassertanalwaysself-provenfact:
　　thateventhebestgovernedandmostfreeandmostenlightenedmonarchyisstillbehindthebestconditionattainablebyitspeople;andthatthesameistrueofkindredgovernmentsoflowergrades,allthewaydowntothelowest.
　　KingArthurhadhurriedupthearmybusinessaltogetherbeyondmycalculations.
　　IhadnotsupposedhewouldmoveinthematterwhileIwasaway;andsoIhadnotmappedoutaschemefordeterminingthemeritsofofficers;I
　　hadonlyremarkedthatitwouldbewisetosubmiteverycandidatetoasharpandsearchingexamination;andprivatelyImeanttoputtogetheralistofmilitaryqualificationsthatnobodycouldanswertobutmyWestPointers.ThatoughttohavebeenattendedtobeforeIleft;forthekingwassotakenwiththeideaofastandingarmythathecouldn'twaitbutmustgetaboutitatonce,andgetupasgoodaschemeofexaminationashecouldinventoutofhisownhead.
　　Iwasimpatienttoseewhatthiswas;andtoshow,too,howmuchmoreadmirablewastheonewhichIshoulddisplaytotheExaminingBoard.I
　　intimatedthis,gently,totheking,anditfiredhiscuriosityWhentheBoardwasassembled,Ifollowedhimin;andbehinduscamethecandidates.
　　OneofthesecandidateswasabrightyoungWestPointerofmine,andwithhimwereacoupleofmyWestPointprofessors.
　　WhenIsawtheBoard,Ididnotknowwhethertocryortolaugh.TheheadofitwastheofficerknowntolatercenturiesasNorroyKing-at-Arms!
　　Thetwoothermemberswerechiefsofbureausinhisdepartment;andallthreewerepriests,ofcourse;allofficialswhohadtoknowhowtoreadandwritewerepriests.
　　Mycandidatewascalledfirst,outofcourtesytome,andtheheadoftheBoardopenedonhimwithofficialsolemnity:
　　"Name?"
　　"Mal-ease."
　　"Sonof?"
　　"Webster."
　　"Webster——Webster.H'm——I——mymemoryfailethtorecallthename.
　　Condition?"
　　"Weaver."
　　"Weaver!——Godkeepus!"
　　Thekingwasstaggered,fromhissummittohisfoundations;oneclerkfainted,andtheotherscamenearit.Thechairmanpulledhimselftogether,andsaidindignantly:
　　"Itissufficient.Getyouhence."
　　ButIappealedtotheking.Ibeggedthatmycandidatemightbeexamined.
　　Thekingwaswilling,buttheBoard,whowereallwell-bornfolk,imploredthekingtosparethemtheindignityofexaminingtheweaver'sson.Iknewtheydidn'tknowenoughtoexaminehimanyway,soIjoinedmyprayerstotheirsandthekingturnedthedutyovertomyprofessors.Ihadhadablackboardprepared,anditwasputupnow,andthecircusbegan.Itwasbeautifultoheartheladlayoutthescienceofwar,andwallowindetailsofbattleandsiege,ofsupply,transportation,miningandcountermining,grandtactics,bigstrategyandlittlestrategy,signalservice,infantry,cavalry,artillery,andallaboutsiegeguns,fieldguns,gatlingguns,rifledguns,smoothbores,musketpractice,revolverpractice——andnotasolitarywordofitallcouldthesecatfishmakeheadortailof,youunderstand——anditwashandsometoseehimchalkoffmathematicalnightmaresontheblackboardthatwouldstumptheangelsthemselves,anddoitlikenothing,too——allabouteclipses,andcomets,andsolstices,andconstellations,andmeantime,andsiderealtime,anddinnertime,andbedtime,andeveryotherimaginablethingabovethecloudsorunderthemthatyoucouldharryorbullyraganenemywithandmakehimwishhehadn'tcome——andwhentheboymadehismilitarysaluteandstoodasideatlast,Iwasproudenoughtohughim,andallthoseotherpeopleweresodazedtheylookedpartlypetrified,partlydrunk,andwhollycaughtoutandsnowedunder.Ijudgedthatthecakewasours,andbyalargemajority.
　　Educationisagreatthing.ThiswasthesameyouthwhohadcometoWestPointsoignorantthatwhenIaskedhim,"Ifageneralofficershouldhaveahorseshotunderhimonthefieldofbattle,whatoughthetodo?"
　　answeredupnaivelyandsaid:
　　"Getupandbrushhimself."
　　Oneoftheyoungnobleswascalledupnow.IthoughtIwouldquestionhimalittlemyself.Isaid:
　　"Canyourlordshipread?"
　　Hisfaceflushedindignantly,andhefiredthisatme:
　　"Takestmeforaclerk?ItrowIamnotofabloodthat——"
　　"Answerthequestion!"
　　Hecrowdedhiswrathdownandmadeouttoanswer"No."
　　"Canyouwrite?"
　　Hewantedtoresentthis,too,butIsaid:
　　"Youwillconfineyourselftothequestions,andmakenocomments.Youarenotheretoairyourbloodoryourgraces,andnothingofthesortwillbepermitted.Canyouwrite?"
　　"No."
　　"Doyouknowthemultiplicationtable?"
　　"Iwitnotwhatyereferto."
　　"Howmuchis9times6?"
　　"Itisamysterythatishiddenfrommebyreasonthattheemergencyrequiringthefathomingofithathnotinmylife-daysoccurred,andso,nothavingnoneedtoknowthisthing,Iabidebarrenoftheknowledge."
　　"IfAtradeabarrelofonionstoB,worth2pencethebushel,inexchangeforasheepworth4penceandadogworthapenny,andCkillthedogbeforedelivery,becausebittenbythesame,whomistookhimforD,whatsumisstillduetoAfromB,andwhichpartypaysforthedog,CorD,andwhogetsthemoney?IfA,isthepennysufficient,ormayheclaimconsequentialdamagesintheformofadditionalmoneytorepresentthepossibleprofitwhichmighthaveinuredfromthedog,andclassifiableasearnedincrement,thatistosay,usufruct?"
　　"Verily,intheall-wiseandunknowableprovidenceofGod,whomovethinmysteriouswayshiswonderstoperform,haveIneverheardthefellowtothisquestionforconfusionofthemindandcongestionoftheductsofthought.WhereforeIbeseechyouletthedogandtheonionsandthesepeopleofthestrangeandgodlessnamesworkouttheirseveralsalvationsfromtheirpiteousandwonderfuldifficultieswithouthelpofmine,forindeedtheirtroubleissufficientasitis,whereasanItriedtohelpIshouldbutdamagetheircausethemoreandyetmayhapnotlivemyselftoseethedesolationwrought."
　　"Whatdoyouknowofthelawsofattractionandgravitation?"
　　"Iftherebesuch,mayhaphisgracethekingdidpromulgatethemwhilstthatIlaysickaboutthebeginningoftheyearandtherebyfailedtohearhisproclamation."
　　"Whatdoyouknowofthescienceofoptics?"
　　"Iknowofgovernorsofplaces,andseneschalsofcastles,andsheriffsofcounties,andmanylikesmallofficesandtitlesofhonor,buthimyoucalltheScienceofOpticsIhavenotheardofbefore;peradventureitisanewdignity."
　　"Yes,inthiscountry."
　　Trytoconceiveofthismolluskgravelyapplyingforanofficialposition,ofanykindunderthesun!Why,hehadalltheearmarksofatypewritercopyist,ifyouleaveoutthedispositiontocontributeuninvitedemendationsofyourgrammarandpunctuation.Itwasunaccountablethathedidn'tattemptalittlehelpofthatsortoutofhismajesticsupplyofincapacityforthejob.Butthatdidn'tprovethathehadn'tmaterialinhimforthedisposition,itonlyprovedthathewasn'tatypewritercopyistyet.Afternagginghimalittlemore,Ilettheprofessorslooseonhimandtheyturnedhiminsideout,onthelineofscientificwar,andfoundhimempty,ofcourse.Heknewsomewhataboutthewarfareofthetime——bushwhackingaroundforogres,andbull-fightsinthetournamentring,andsuchthings——butotherwisehewasemptyanduseless.Thenwetooktheotheryoungnobleinhand,andhewasthefirstone'stwin,forignoranceandincapacity.IdeliveredthemintothehandsofthechairmanoftheBoardwiththecomfortableconsciousnessthattheircakewasdough.Theywereexaminedinthepreviousorderofprecedence.
　　"Name,sopleaseyou?"
　　"Pertipole,sonofSirPertipole,BaronofBarleyMash."
　　"Grandfather?"
　　"AlsoSirPertipole,BaronofBarleyMash."
　　"Great-grandfather?"
　　"Thesamenameandtitle."
　　"Great-great-grandfather?"
　　"Wehadnone,worshipfulsir,thelinefailingbeforeithadreachedsofarback."
　　"Itmatterethnot.Itisagoodfourgenerations,andfulfilleththerequirementsoftherule."
　　"Fulfillswhatrule?"Iasked.
　　"Therulerequiringfourgenerationsofnobilityorelsethecandidateisnoteligible."
　　"Amannoteligibleforalieutenancyinthearmyunlesshecanprovefourgenerationsofnobledescent?"
　　"Evenso;neitherlieutenantnoranyotherofficermaybecommissionedwithoutthatqualification."
　　"Oh,come,thisisanastonishingthing.Whatgoodissuchaqualificationasthat?"
　　"Whatgood?Itisahardyquestion,fairsirandBoss,sinceitdothgofartoimpugnthewisdomofevenourholyMotherChurchherself."
　　"Ashow?"
　　"Forthatshehathestablishedtheself-sameruleregardingsaints.
　　Byherlawnonemaybecanonizeduntilhehathlaindeadfourgenerations."
　　"Isee,Isee——itisthesamething.Itiswonderful.Intheonecaseamanliesdead-alivefourgenerations——mummifiedinignoranceandsloth——andthatqualifieshimtocommandlivepeople,andtaketheirwealandwoeintohisimpotenthands;andintheothercase,amanliesbeddedwithdeathandwormsfourgenerations,andthatqualifieshimforofficeinthecelestialcamp.Doestheking'sgraceapproveofthisstrangelaw?"
　　Thekingsaid:
　　"Why,trulyIseenaughtaboutitthatisstrange.Allplacesofhonorandofprofitdobelong,bynaturalright,tothemthatbeofnobleblood,andsothesedignitiesinthearmyaretheirpropertyandwouldbesowithoutthisoranyrule.Theruleisbuttomarkalimit.Itspurposeistokeepouttoorecentblood,whichwouldbringintocontempttheseoffices,andmenofloftylineagewouldturntheirbacksandscorntotakethem.IweretoblameanIpermittedthiscalamity.YOUcanpermititanyouaremindedsotodo,foryouhavethedelegatedauthority,butthatthekingshoulddoitwereamoststrangemadnessandnotcomprehensibletoany."
　　"Iyield.Proceed,sirChiefoftheHerald'sCollege."
　　Thechairmanresumedasfollows:
　　"BywhatillustriousachievementforthehonoroftheThroneandStatedidthefounderofyourgreatlinelifthimselftothesacreddignityoftheBritishnobility?"
　　"Hebuiltabrewery."
　　"Sire,theBoardfindsthiscandidateperfectinalltherequirementsandqualificationsformilitarycommand,anddothholdhiscaseopenfordecisionafterdueexaminationofhiscompetitor."
　　Thecompetitorcameforwardandprovedexactlyfourgenerationsofnobilityhimself.Sotherewasatieinmilitaryqualificationsthatfar.
　　Hestoodasideamoment,andSirPertipolewasquestionedfurther:
　　"Ofwhatconditionwasthewifeofthefounderofyourline?"
　　"Shecameofthehighestlandedgentry,yetshewasnotnoble;shewasgraciousandpureandcharitable,ofablamelesslifeandcharacter,insomuchthatintheseregardswasshepeerofthebestladyintheland."
　　"Thatwilldo.Standdown."Hecalledupthecompetinglordlingagain,andasked:"Whatwastherankandconditionofthegreat-grandmotherwhoconferredBritishnobilityuponyourgreathouse?"
　　"Shewasaking'slemananddidclimbtothatsplendideminencebyherownunholpenmeritfromthesewerwhereshewasborn."
　　"Ah,this,indeed,istruenobility,thisistherightandperfectintermixture.
　　Thelieutenancyisyours,fairlord.Holditnotincontempt;itisthehumblestepwhichwillleadtograndeursmoreworthyofthesplendorofanoriginliketothine."
　　Iwasdowninthebottomlesspitofhumiliation.Ihadpromisedmyselfaneasyandzenith-scouringtriumph,andthiswastheoutcome!
　　Iwasalmostashamedtolookmypoordisappointedcadetintheface.
　　Itoldhimtogohomeandbepatient,thiswasn'ttheend.
　　Ihadaprivateaudiencewiththeking,andmadeaproposition.Isaiditwasquiterighttoofficerthatregimentwithnobilities,andhecouldn'thavedoneawiserthing.Itwouldalsobeagoodideatoaddfivehundredofficerstoit;infact,addasmanyofficersastherewerenoblesandrelativesofnoblesinthecountry,evenifthereshouldfinallybefivetimesasmanyofficersasprivatesinit;andthusmakeitthecrackregiment,theenviedregiment,theKing'sOwnregiment,andentitledtofightonitsownhookandinitsownway,andgowhitheritwouldandcomewhenitpleased,intimeofwar,andbeutterlyswellandindependent.Thiswouldmakethatregimenttheheart'sdesireofallthenobility,andtheywouldallbesatisfiedandhappy.Thenwewouldmakeuptherestofthestandingarmyoutofcommonplacematerials,andofficeritwithnobodies,aswasproper——nobodiesselectedonabasisofmereefficiency——andwewouldmakethisregimenttoetheline,allowitnoaristocraticfreedomfromrestraint,andforceittodoalltheworkandpersistenthammering,totheendthatwhenevertheKing'sOwnwastiredandwantedtogooffforachangeandrummagearoundamongstogresandhaveagoodtime,itcouldgowithoutuneasiness,knowingthatmatterswereinsafehandsbehindit,andbusinessgoingtobecontinuedattheoldstand,sameasusual.
　　Thekingwascharmedwiththeidea.
　　WhenInoticedthat,itgavemeavaluablenotion.IthoughtIsawmywayoutofanoldandstubborndifficultyatlast.Yousee,theroyaltiesofthePendragonstockwerealong-livedraceandveryfruitful.Wheneverachildwasborntoanyofthese——anditwasprettyoften——therewaswildjoyinthenation'smouth,andpiteoussorrowinthenation'sheart.
　　Thejoywasquestionable,butthegriefwashonest.BecausetheeventmeantanothercallforaRoyalGrant.Longwasthelistoftheseroyalties,andtheywereaheavyandsteadilyincreasingburdenuponthetreasuryandamenacetothecrown.YetArthurcouldnotbelievethislatterfact,andhewouldnotlistentoanyofmyvariousprojectsforsubstitutingsomethingintheplaceoftheroyalgrants.IfIcouldhavepersuadedhimtonowandthenprovideasupportforoneoftheseoutlyingscionsfromhisownpocket,Icouldhavemadeagrandto-dooverit,anditwouldhavehadagoodeffectwiththenation;butno,hewouldn'thearofsuchathing.
　　Hehadsomethinglikeareligiouspassionforroyalgrant;heseemedtolookuponitasasortofsacredswag,andonecouldnotirritatehiminanywaysoquicklyandsosurelyasbyanattackuponthatvenerableinstitution.
　　IfIventuredtocautiouslyhintthattherewasnotanotherrespectablefamilyinEnglandthatwouldhumbleitselftoholdoutthehat——however,thatisasfarasIevergot;healwayscutmeshortthere,andperemptorily,too.
　　ButIbelievedIsawmychanceatlast.Iwouldformthiscrackregimentoutofofficersalone——notasingleprivate.Halfofitshouldconsistofnobles,whoshouldfillalltheplacesuptoMajor-General,andservegratisandpaytheirownexpenses;andtheywouldbegladtodothiswhentheyshouldlearnthattherestoftheregimentwouldconsistexclusivelyofprincesoftheblood.TheseprincesofthebloodshouldrangeinrankfromLieutenant-GeneraluptoFieldMarshal,andbegorgeouslysalariedandequippedandfedbythestate.Moreover——andthiswasthemasterstroke——itshouldbedecreedthattheseprincelygrandeesshouldbealwaysaddressedbyastunninglygaudyandawe-compellingtitlewhichIwouldpresentlyinvent,andtheyandtheyonlyinallEnglandshouldbesoaddressed.
　　Finally,allprincesofthebloodshouldhavefreechoice;jointhatregiment,getthatgreattitle,andrenouncetheroyalgrant,orstayoutandreceiveagrant.Neatesttouchofall:unbornbutimminentprincesofthebloodcouldbeBORNintotheregiment,andstartfair,withgoodwagesandapermanentsituation,uponduenoticefromtheparents.
　　Alltheboyswouldjoin,Iwassureofthat;so,allexistinggrantswouldberelinquished;thatthenewlybornwouldalwaysjoinwasequallycertain.Withinsixtydaysthatquaintandbizarreanomaly,theRoyalGrant,wouldceasetobealivingfact,andtakeitsplaceamongthecuriositiesofthepast.
　　AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur'sCourt-Chapter26Chapter26-TheFirstNewspaperWHENItoldthekingIwasgoingoutdisguisedasapettyfreemantoscourthecountryandfamiliarizemyselfwiththehumblerlifeofthepeople,hewasallafirewiththenoveltyofthethinginaminute,andwasboundtotakeachanceintheadventurehimself——nothingshouldstophim——
　　hewoulddropeverythingandgoalong——itwastheprettiestideahehadrunacrossformanyaday.Hewantedtoglideoutthebackwayandstartatonce;butIshowedhimthatthatwouldn'tanswer.Yousee,hewasbilledfortheking's-evil——totouchforit,Imean——anditwouldn'tberighttodisappointthehouseanditwouldn'tmakeadelayworthconsidering,anyway,itwasonlyaone-nightstand.AndIthoughtheoughttotellthequeenhewasgoingaway.Hecloudedupatthatandlookedsad.IwassorryIhadspoken,especiallywhenhesaidmournfully:
　　"ThouforgettestthatLauncelotishere;andwhereLauncelotis,shenotethnotthegoingforthoftheking,norwhatdayhereturneth."
　　Ofcourse,IchangedtheSubject.Yes,Gueneverwasbeautiful,itistrue,buttakeherallaroundshewasprettyslack.Inevermeddledinthesematters,theyweren'tmyaffair,butIdidhatetoseethewaythingsweregoingon,andIdon'tmindsayingthatmuch.Many'sthetimeshehadaskedme,"SirBoss,hastseenSirLauncelotabout?"butifevershewentfrettingaroundforthekingIdidn'thappentobearoundatthetime.
　　Therewasaverygoodlay-outfortheking's-evilbusiness——verytidyandcreditable.Thekingsatunderacanopyofstate;abouthimwereclusteredalargebodyoftheclergyinfullcanonicals.Conspicuous,bothforlocationandpersonaloutfit,stoodMarinel,ahermitofthequack-doctorspecies,tointroducethesick.Allabroadoverthespaciousfloor,andcleardowntothedoors,inathickjumble,layorsatthescrofulous,underastronglight.Itwasasgoodasatableau;infact,ithadallthelookofbeinggottenupforthat,thoughitwasn't.Therewereeighthundredsickpeoplepresent.Theworkwasslow;itlackedtheinterestofnoveltyforme,becauseIhadseentheceremoniesbefore;thethingsoonbecametedious,buttheproprietiesrequiredmetostickitout.Thedoctorwasthereforthereasonthatinallsuchcrowdsthereweremanypeoplewhoonlyimaginedsomethingwasthematterwiththem,andmanywhowereconsciouslysoundbutwantedtheimmortalhonoroffleshlycontactwithaking,andyetotherswhopretendedtoillnessinordertogetthepieceofcointhatwentwiththetouch.
　　Uptothistimethiscoinhadbeenaweelittlegoldpieceworthaboutathirdofadollar.Whenyouconsiderhowmuchthatamountofmoneywouldbuy,inthatageandcountry,andhowusualitwastobescrofulous,whennotdead,youwouldunderstandthattheannualking's-evilappropriationwasjusttheRiverandHarborbillofthatgovernmentforthegripittookonthetreasuryandthechanceitaffordedforskinningthesurplus.SoIhadprivatelyconcludedtotouchthetreasuryitselffortheking's-evil.
　　IcoveredsixseventhsoftheappropriationintothetreasuryaweekbeforestartingfromCamelotonmyadventures,andorderedthattheotherseventhbeinflatedintofivecentnickelsanddeliveredintothehandsoftheheadclerkoftheKing'sEvilDepartment;anickeltotaketheplaceofeachgoldcoin,yousee,anddoitsworkforit.Itmightstrainthenickelsome,butIjudgeditcouldstandit.Asarule,Idonotapproveofwateringstock,butIconsidereditsquareenoughinthiscase,foritwasjustagift,anyway.Ofcourse,youcanwateragiftasmuchasyouwantto;
　　andIgenerallydo.Theoldgoldandsilvercoinsofthecountrywereofancientandunknownorigin,asarule,butsomeofthemwereRoman;theywereill-shapen,andseldomrounderthanamoonthatisaweekpastthefull;theywerehammered,notminted,andtheyweresowornwithusethatthedevicesuponthemwereasillegibleasblisters,andlookedlikethem.
　　Ijudgedthatasharp,brightnewnickel,withafirst-ratelikenessofthekingononesideofitandGueneverontheother,andabloomingpiousmotto,wouldtakethetuckoutofscrofulaashandyasanoblercoinandpleasethescrofulousfancymore;andIwasright.Thisbatchwasthefirstitwastriedon,anditworkedtoacharm.Thesavinginexpensewasanotableeconomy.Youwillseethatbythesefigures:Wetouchedatrifleover700ofthe800patients;atformerrates,thiswouldhavecostthegovernmentabout$240;atthenewratewepulledthroughforabout$35,thussavingupwardof$200atoneswoop.Toappreciatethefullmagnitudeofthisstroke,considertheseotherfigures:theannualexpensesofanationalgovernmentamounttotheequivalentofacontributionofthreedays'averagewagesofeveryindividualofthepopulation,countingeveryindividualasifhewereaman.Ifyoutakeanationof60,000,000,whereaveragewagesare$2perday,threedays'wagestakenfromeachindividualwillprovide$360,000,000andpaythegovernment'sexpenses.Inmyday,inmyowncountry,thismoneywascollectedfromimposts,andthecitizenimaginedthattheforeignimporterpaidit,anditmadehimcomfortabletothinkso;whereas,infact,itwaspaidbytheAmericanpeople,andwassoequallyandexactlydistributedamongthemthattheannualcosttothe100-millionaireandtheannualcosttothesuckingchildoftheday-laborerwaspreciselythesame——eachpaid$6.Nothingcouldbeequalerthanthat,Ireckon.Well,ScotlandandIrelandweretributarytoArthur,andtheunitedpopulationsoftheBritishIslandsamountedtosomethinglessthan1,OOO,OOO.Amechanic'saveragewagewas3centsaday,whenhepaidhisownkeep.Bythisrulethenationalgovernment'sexpenseswere$90,000ayear,orabout$250aday.Thus,bythesubstitutionofnickelsforgoldonaking's-evilday,Inotonlyinjurednoone,dissatisfiednoone,butpleasedallconcernedandsavedfour-fifthsofthatday'snationalexpenseintothebargain——asavingwhichwouldhavebeentheequivalentof$800,000inmydayinAmerica.InmakingthissubstitutionIhaddrawnuponthewisdomofaveryremotesource——thewisdomofmyboyhood——
　　forthetruestatesmandoesnotdespiseanywisdom,howsoeverlowlymaybeitsorigin:inmyboyhoodIhadalwayssavedmypenniesandcontributedbuttonstotheforeignmissionarycause.Thebuttonswouldanswertheignorantsavageaswellasthecoin,thecoinwouldanswermebetterthanthebuttons;
　　allhandswerehappyandnobodyhurt.
　　Marineltookthepatientsastheycame.Heexaminedthecandidate;ifhecouldn'tqualifyhewaswarnedoff;ifhecouldhewaspassedalongtotheking.Apriestpronouncedthewords,"Theyshalllaytheirhandsonthesick,andtheyshallrecover."Thenthekingstrokedtheulcers,whilethereadingcontinued;finally,thepatientgraduatedandgothisnickel——thekinghangingitaroundhisneckhimself——andwasdismissed.
　　Wouldyouthinkthatthatwouldcure?Itcertainlydid.Anymummerywillcureifthepatient'sfaithisstronginit.UpbyAstolattherewasachapelwheretheVirginhadonceappearedtoagirlwhousedtoherdgeesearoundthere——thegirlsaidsoherself——andtheybuiltthechapeluponthatspotandhungapictureinitrepresentingtheoccurrence——apicturewhichyouwouldthinkitdangerousforasickpersontoapproach;whereas,onthecontrary,thousandsofthelameandthesickcameandprayedbeforeiteveryyearandwentawaywholeandsound;andeventhewellcouldlookuponitandlive.Ofcourse,whenIwastoldthesethingsIdidnotbelievethem;butwhenIwentthereandsawthemIhadtosuccumb.Isawthecureseffectedmyself;andtheywererealcuresandnotquestionable.IsawcrippleswhomIhadseenaroundCamelotforyearsoncrutches,arriveandpraybeforethatpicture,andputdowntheircrutchesandwalkoffwithoutalimp.
　　Therewerepilesofcrutchestherewhichhadbeenleftbysuchpeopleasatestimony.
　　Inotherplacespeopleoperatedonapatient'smind,withoutsayingawordtohim,andcuredhim.Inothers,expertsassembledpatientsinaroomandprayedoverthem,andappealedtotheirfaith,andthosepatientswentawaycured.Whereveryoufindakingwhocan'tcuretheking's-evilyoucanbesurethatthemostvaluablesuperstitionthatsupportshisthrone——thesubject'sbeliefinthedivineappointmentofhissovereign——haspassedaway.InmyyouththemonarchsofEnglandhadceasedtotouchfortheevil,buttherewasnooccasionforthisdiffidence:theycouldhavecureditforty-ninetimesinfifty.
　　Well,whenthepriesthadbeendroningforthreehours,andthegoodkingpolishingtheevidences,andthesickwerestillpressingforwardasplentyasever,Igottofeelingintolerablybored.Iwassittingbyanopenwindownotfarfromthecanopyofstate.Forthefivehundredthtimeapatientstoodforwardtohavehisrepulsivenessesstroked;againthosewordswerebeingdronedout:"theyshalllaytheirhandsonthesick"