"Well,then,whataretheywaitingfor?Whydon'ttheyleave?Nobody'shindering.Goodland,I'mwillingtoletbygonesbebygones,I'msure."
　　"Leave,isit?Oh,givethyselfeasementastothat.Theydreamnotofit,no,notthey.Theywaittoyieldthem."
　　"Come——really,isthat'sooth'——asyoupeoplesay?Iftheywantto,whydon'tthey?"
　　"Itwouldlikethemmuch;butanyewothowdragonsareesteemed,yewouldnotholdthemblamable.Theyfeartocome."
　　"Well,then,supposeIgototheminstead,and——"
　　"Ah,wityewelltheywouldnotabideyourcoming.Iwillgo."
　　Andshedid.Shewasahandypersontohavealongonaraid.Iwouldhaveconsideredthisadoubtfulerrand,myself.Ipresentlysawtheknightsridingaway,andSandycomingback.Thatwasarelief.Ijudgedshehadsomehowfailedtogetthefirstinnings——Imeanintheconversation;
　　otherwisetheinterviewwouldn'thavebeensoshort.Butitturnedoutthatshehadmanagedthebusinesswell;infact,admirably.ShesaidthatwhenshetoldthosepeopleIwasTheBoss,ithitthemwheretheylived:
　　"smotethemsorewithfearanddread"washerword;andthentheywerereadytoputupwithanythingshemightrequire.SoshesworethemtoappearatArthur'scourtwithintwodaysandyieldthem,withhorseandharness,andbemyknightshenceforth,andsubjecttomycommand.HowmuchbettershemanagedthatthingthanIshouldhavedoneitmyself!Shewasadaisy.
　　AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur'sCourt-Chapter15Chapter15-Sandy'sTaleANDsoI'mproprietorofsomeknights,"saidI,aswerodeoff."WhowouldeverhavesupposedthatIshouldlivetolistupassetsofthatsort.I
　　shan'tknowwhattodowiththem;unlessIrafflethemoff.Howmanyofthemarethere,Sandy?"
　　"Seven,pleaseyou,sir,andtheirsquires."
　　"Itisagoodhaul.Whoarethey?Wheredotheyhangout?"
　　"Wheredotheyhangout?"
　　"Yes,wheredotheylive?"
　　"Ah,Iunderstoodtheenot.ThatwillItelleftsoons."Thenshesaidmusingly,andsoftly,turningthewordsdaintilyoverhertongue:"Hangtheyout——hangtheyout——wherehang——wheredotheyhangout;eh,rightso;wheredotheyhangout.Ofatruththephrasehathafairandwinsomegrace,andisprettilywordedwithal.Iwillrepeatitanonandanoninmineidlesse,wherebyImayperadventurelearnit.Wheredotheyhangout.Evenso!alreadyitfallethtrippinglyfrommytongue,andforasmuchas——"
　　"Don'tforgetthecowboys,Sandy."
　　"Cowboys?"
　　"Yes;theknights,youknow:Youweregoingtotellmeaboutthem.A
　　whileback,youremember.Figurativelyspeaking,game'scalled."
　　"Game——"
　　"Yes,yes,yes!Gotothebat.Imean,gettoworkonyourstatistics,anddon'tburnsomuchkindlinggettingyourfirestarted.Tellmeabouttheknights."
　　"Iwillwell,andlightlywillbegin.Sotheytwodepartedandrodeintoagreatforest.And——"
　　"GreatScott!"
　　Yousee,Irecognizedmymistakeatonce.Ihadsetherworksa-going;
　　itwasmyownfault;shewouldbethirtydaysgettingdowntothosefacts.
　　Andshegenerallybeganwithoutaprefaceandfinishedwithoutaresult.
　　Ifyouinterruptedhershewouldeithergorightalongwithoutnoticing,oranswerwithacoupleofwords,andgobackandsaythesentenceoveragain.So,interruptionsonlydidharm;andyetIhadtointerrupt,andinterruptprettyfrequently,too,inordertosavemylife;apersonwoulddieifhelethermonotonydriponhimrightalongallday.
　　"GreatScott!"Isaidinmydistress.Shewentrightbackandbeganoveragain:
　　"Sotheytwodepartedandrodeintoagreatforest.And——"
　　"WHICHtwo?"
　　"SirGawaineandSirUwaine.Andsotheycametoanabbeyofmonks,andtherewerewelllodged.Soonthemorntheyheardtheirmassesintheabbey,andsotheyrodeforthtilltheycametoagreatforest;thenwasSirGawainewareinavalleybyaturret,oftwelvefairdamsels,andtwoknightsarmedongreathorses,andthedamselswenttoandfrobyatree.
　　AndthenwasSirGawainewarehowtherehungawhiteshieldonthattree,andeverasthedamselscamebyittheyspituponit,andsomethrewmireupontheshield——"
　　"Now,ifIhadn'tseenthelikemyselfinthiscountry,Sandy,Iwouldn'tbelieveit.ButI'veseenit,andIcanjustseethosecreaturesnow,paradingbeforethatshieldandactinglikethat.Thewomenheredocertainlyactlikeallpossessed.Yes,andImeanyourbest,too,society'sverychoicestbrands.Thehumblesthello-girlalongtenthousandmilesofwirecouldteachgentleness,patience,modesty,manners,tothehighestduchessinArthur'sland."
　　"Hello-girl?"
　　"Yes,butdon'tyouaskmetoexplain;it'sanewkindofagirl;theydon'thavethemhere;oneoftenspeakssharplytothemwhentheyarenottheleastinfault,andhecan'tgetoverfeelingsorryforitandashamedofhimselfinthirteenhundredyears,it'ssuchshabbymeanconductandsounprovoked;thefactis,nogentlemaneverdoesit——thoughI——well,Imyself,ifI'vegottoconfess——"
　　"Peradventureshe——"
　　"Nevermindher;nevermindher;ItellyouIcouldn'teverexplainhersoyouwouldunderstand."
　　"Evensobeit,sithyearesominded.ThenSirGawaineandSirUwainewentandsalutedthem,andaskedthemwhytheydidthatdespitetotheshield.Sirs,saidthedamsels,weshalltellyou.Thereisaknightinthiscountrythatowneththiswhiteshield,andheisapassinggoodmanofhishands,buthehatethallladiesandgentlewomen,andthereforewedoallthisdespitetotheshield.Iwillsayyou,saidSirGawaine,itbeseemethevilagoodknighttodespiseallladiesandgentlewomen,andperadventurethoughhehateyouhehathsomecause,andperadventurehelovethinsomeotherplacesladiesandgentlewomen,andtobelovedagain,andhesuchamanofprowessasyespeakof——"
　　"Manofprowess——yes,thatisthemantopleasethem,Sandy.Manofbrains——thatisathingtheyneverthinkof.TomSayers——JohnHeenan——JohnL.Sullivan——pitybutyoucouldbehere.YouwouldhaveyourlegsundertheRoundTableanda'Sir'infrontofyournameswithinthetwenty-fourhours;andyoucouldbringaboutanewdistributionofthemarriedprincessesandduchessesoftheCourtinanothertwenty-four.Thefactis,itisjustasortofpolished-upcourtofComanches,andthereisn'tasquawinitwhodoesn'tstandreadyatthedroppingofahattodeserttothebuckwiththebiggeststringofscalpsathisbelt."
　　"——andhebesuchamanofprowessasyespeakof,saidSirGawaine.
　　Now,whatishisname?Sir,saidthey,hisnameisMarhaustheking'ssonofIreland."
　　"SonofthekingofIreland,youmean;theotherformdoesn'tmeananything.
　　Andlookoutandholdontight,now,wemustjumpthisgullyThere,weareallrightnow.Thishorsebelongsinthecircus;heisbornbeforehistime."
　　"Iknowhimwell,saidSirUwaine,heisapassinggoodknightasanyisonlive."
　　"ONLIVE.Ifyou'vegotafaultintheworld,Sandy,itisthatyouareashadetooarchaic.Butitisn'tanymatter."
　　"——forIsawhimonceprovedatajustswheremanyknightsweregathered,andthattimetheremightnomanwithstandhim.Ah,saidSirGawaine,damsels,methinkethyearetoblame,foritistosupposehethathungthatshieldtherewillnotbelongtherefrom,andthenmaythoseknightsmatchhimonhorseback,andthatismoreyourworshipthanthus;forIwillabidenolongertoseeaknight'sshielddishonored.AndtherewithSirUwaineandSirGawainedepartedalittlefromthem,andthenweretheywarewhereSirMarhauscameridingonagreathorsestraighttowardthem.AndwhenthetwelvedamselssawSirMarhaustheyfledintotheturretastheywerewild,sothatsomeofthemfellbytheway.Thentheoneoftheknightsofthetowerdressedhisshield,andsaidonhigh,SirMarhausdefendthee.
　　AndsotheyrantogetherthattheknightbrakehisspearonMarhaus,andSirMarhaussmotehimsohardthathebrakehisneckandthehorse'sback——"
　　"Well,thatisjustthetroubleaboutthisstateofthings,itruinssomanyhorses."
　　"Thatsawtheotherknightoftheturret,anddressedhimtowardMarhaus,andtheywentsoeagerlytogether,thattheknightoftheturretwassoonsmittendown,horseandman,starkdead——"
　　"ANOTHERhorsegone;Itellyouitisacustomthatoughttobebrokenup.Idon'tseehowpeoplewithanyfeelingcanapplaudandsupportit."
　　"Sothesetwoknightscametogetherwithgreatrandom——"
　　IsawthatIhadbeenasleepandmissedachapter,butIdidn'tsayanything.IjudgedthattheIrishknightwasintroublewiththevisitorsbythistime,andthisturnedouttobethecase.
　　"——thatSirUwainesmoteSirMarhausthathisspearbrastinpiecesontheshield,andSirMarhaussmotehimsosorethathorseandmanhebaretotheearth,andhurtSirUwaineontheleftside——
　　"Thetruthis,Alisande,thesearchaicsarealittleTOOsimple;thevocabularyistoolimited,andso,byconsequence,descriptionssufferinthematterofvariety;theyruntoomuchtolevelSaharasoffact,andnotenoughtopicturesquedetail;thisthrowsaboutthemacertainairofthemonotonous;infactthefightsareallalike:acoupleofpeoplecometogetherwithgreatrandom——randomisagoodword,andsoisexegesis,forthatmatter,andsoisholocaust,anddefalcation,andusufructandahundredothers,butland!abodyoughttodiscriminate——theycometogetherwithgreatrandom,andaspearisbrast,andonepartybrakehisshieldandtheotheronegoesdown,horseandman,overhishorse-tailandbrakehisneck,andthenthenextcandidatecomesrandomingin,andbrastHIS
　　spear,andtheothermanbrasthisshield,anddownHEgoes,horseandman,overhishorse-tail,andbrakeHISneck,andthenthere'sanotherelected,andanotherandanotherandstillanother,tillthematerialisallusedup;andwhenyoucometofigureupresults,youcan'ttellonefightfromanother,norwhowhipped;andasaPICTURE,ofliving,raging,roaringbattle,sho!why,it'spaleandnoiseless——justghostsscufflinginafog.Dearme,whatwouldthisbarrenvocabularygetoutofthemightiestspectacle?——theburningofRomeinNero'stime,forinstance?Why,itwouldmerelysay,'Townburneddown;noinsurance;boybrastawindow,firemanbrakehisneck!'Why,THATain'tapicture!"
　　Itwasagooddealofalecture,Ithought,butitdidn'tdisturbSandy,didn'tturnafeather;hersteamsoaredsteadilyupagain,theminuteI
　　tookoffthelid:
　　"ThenSirMarhausturnedhishorseandrodetowardGawainewithhisspear.AndwhenSirGawainesawthat,hedressedhisshield,andtheyaventredtheirspears,andtheycametogetherwithallthemightoftheirhorses,thateitherknightsmoteothersohardinthemidstoftheirshields,butSirGawaine'sspearbrake——"
　　"Iknewitwould."——
　　"butSirMarhaus'sspearheld;andtherewithSirGawaineandhishorserusheddowntotheearth——"
　　"Justso——andbrakehisback."——
　　"andlightlySirGawaineroseuponhisfeetandpulledouthissword,anddressedhimtowardSirMarhausonfoot,andtherewitheithercameuntoothereagerly,andsmotetogetherwiththeirswords,thattheirshieldsflewincantels,andtheybruisedtheirhelmsandtheirhauberks,andwoundedeitherother.ButSirGawaine,froitpassednineoftheclock,waxedbythespaceofthreehourseverstrongerandstronger.andthricehismightwasincreased.AllthisespiedSirMarhaus,andhadgreatwonderhowhismightincreased,andsotheywoundedotherpassingsore;andthenwhenitwascomenoon——"
　　Thepeltingsing-songofitcarriedmeforwardtoscenesandsoundsofmyboyhooddays:
　　"N-e-e-ewHaven!tenminutesforrefreshments——knductr'llstrikethegong-belltwominutesbeforetrainleaves——passengersfortheShorelinepleasetakeseatsinthereark'yar,thisk'yardon'tgonofurder——AHH-
　　pls,AW-rnjz,b'NANners,S-A-N-D'ches,p——OP-corn!"——
　　"andwaxedpastnoonanddrewtowardevensong.SirGawaine'sstrengthfeebledandwaxedpassingfaint,thatunnetheshemightdureanylonger,andSirMarhauswasthenbiggerandbigger——"
　　"Whichstrainedhisarmor,ofcourse;andyetlittlewouldoneofthesepeoplemindasmallthinglikethat."——
　　"andso,SirKnight,saidSirMarhaus,Ihavewellfeltthatyeareapassinggoodknight,andamarvelousmanofmightaseverIfeltany,whileitlasteth,andourquarrelsarenotgreat,andthereforeitwereapitytodoyouhurt,forIfeelyouarepassingfeeble.Ah,saidSirGawaine,gentleknight,yesaythewordthatIshouldsay.Andtherewiththeytookofftheirhelmsandeitherkissedother,andtheretheysworetogethereithertoloveotherasbrethren——"
　　ButIlostthethreadthere,anddozedofftoslumber,thinkingaboutwhatapityitwasthatmenwithsuchsuperbstrength——strengthenablingthemtostandupcasedincruellyburdensomeironanddrenchedwithperspiration,andhackandbatterandbangeachotherforsixhoursonastretch——shouldnothavebeenbornatatimewhentheycouldputittosomeusefulpurpose.
　　Takeajackass,forinstance:ajackasshasthatkindofstrength,andputsittoausefulpurpose,andisvaluabletothisworldbecauseheisajackass;butanoblemanisnotvaluablebecauseheisajackass.Itisamixturethatisalwaysineffectual,andshouldneverhavebeenattemptedinthefirstplace.Andyet,onceyoustartamistake,thetroubleisdoneandyouneverknowwhatisgoingtocomeofit.
　　WhenIcametomyselfagainandbegantolisten,IperceivedthatI
　　hadlostanotherchapter,andthatAlisandehadwanderedalongwayoffwithherpeople.
　　"Andsotheyrodeandcameintoadeepvalleyfullofstones,andtherebytheysawafairstreamofwater;abovetherebywastheheadofthestream,afairfountain,andthreedamselssittingthereby.Inthiscountry,saidSirMarhaus,cameneverknightsinceitwaschristened,buthefoundstrangeadventures——"
　　"Thisisnotgoodform,Alisande.SirMarhaustheking'ssonofIrelandtalkslikealltherest;yououghttogivehimabrogue,oratleastacharacteristicexpletive;bythismeansonewouldrecognizehimassoonashespoke,withouthiseverbeingnamed.Itisacommonliterarydevicewiththegreatauthors.Youshouldmakehimsay,'Inthiscountry,bejabers,cameneverknightsinceitwaschristened,buthefoundstrangeadventures,bejabers.'Youseehowmuchbetterthatsounds."——
　　"cameneverknightbuthefoundstrangeadventures,bejabers.Ofatruthitdothindeed,fairlord,albeit'tispassinghardtosay,thoughperadventurethatwillnottarrybutbetterspeedwithusage.Andthentheyrodetothedamsels,andeithersalutedother,andtheeldesthadagarlandofgoldaboutherhead,andshewasthreescorewinterofageormore——"
　　"TheDAMSELwas?"
　　"Evenso,dearlord——andherhairwaswhiteunderthegarland——"
　　"Celluloidteeth,ninedollarsaset,aslikeasnot——theloose-fitkind,thatgoupanddownlikeaportculliswhenyoueat,andfalloutwhenyoulaugh."
　　"Theseconddamselwasofthirtywinterofage,withacircletofgoldaboutherhead.Thethirddamselwasbutfifteenyearofage——"
　　Billowsofthoughtcamerollingovermysoul,andthevoicefadedoutofmyhearing!
　　Fifteen!Break——myheart!oh,mylostdarling!Justheragewhowassogentle,andlovely,andalltheworldtome,andwhomIshallneverseeagain!Howthethoughtofhercarriesmebackoverwideseasofmemorytoavaguedimtime,ahappytime,somany,manycenturieshence,whenIusedtowakeinthesoftsummermornings,outofsweetdreamsofher,andsay"Hello,Central!"justtohearherdearvoicecomemeltingbacktomewitha"Hello,Hank!"thatwasmusicofthespherestomyenchantedear.Shegotthreedollarsaweek,butshewasworthit.
　　IcouldnotfollowAlisande'sfurtherexplanationofwhoourcapturedknightswere,now——Imeanincasesheshouldevergettoexplainingwhotheywere.Myinterestwasgone,mythoughtswerefaraway,andsad.Byfitfulglimpsesofthedriftingtale,caughthereandthereandnowandthen,Imerelynotedinavaguewaythateachofthesethreeknightstookoneofthesethreedamselsupbehindhimonhishorse,andonerodenorth,anothereast,theothersouth,toseekadventures,andmeetagainandlie,afteryearandday.Yearandday——andwithoutbaggage.Itwasofapiecewiththegeneralsimplicityofthecountry.
　　Thesunwasnowsetting.ItwasaboutthreeintheafternoonwhenAlisandehadbeguntotellmewhothecowboyswere;soshehadmadeprettygoodprogresswithit——forher.Shewouldarrivesometimeorother,nodoubt,butshewasnotapersonwhocouldbehurried.
　　Wewereapproachingacastlewhichstoodonhighground;ahuge,strong,venerablestructure,whosegraytowersandbattlementswerecharminglydrapedwithivy,andwhosewholemajesticmasswasdrenchedwithsplendorsflungfromthesinkingsun.Itwasthelargestcastlewehadseen,andsoIthoughtitmightbetheonewewereafter,butSandysaidno.Shedidnotknowwhoownedit;shesaidshehadpasseditwithoutcalling,whenshewentdowntoCamelot.
　　AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur'sCourt-Chapter16Chapter16-MorganLeFayIFknightserrantweretobebelieved,notallcastlesweredesirableplacestoseekhospitalityin.Asamatteroffact,knightserrantwereNOTpersonstobebelieved——thatis,measuredbymodernstandardsofveracity;yet,measuredbythestandardsoftheirowntime,andscaledaccordingly,yougotthetruth.Itwasverysimple:youdiscountedastatementninetysevenpercent.;therestwasfact.Nowaftermakingthisallowance,thetruthremainedthatifIcouldfindoutsomethingaboutacastlebeforeringingthedoorbell——Imeanhailingthewarders——itwasthesensiblethingtodo.SoIwaspleasedwhenIsawinthedistanceahorsemanmakingthebottomturnoftheroadthatwounddownfromthiscastle.
　　Asweapproachedeachother,Isawthatheworeaplumedhelmet,andseemedtobeotherwiseclothedinsteel,butboreacuriousadditionalso——astiffsquaregarmentlikeaherald'stabard.However,IhadtosmileatmyownforgetfulnesswhenIgotnearerandreadthissignonhistabard:
　　"Persimmon'sSoap——AllthePrime-DonnaUseIt."
　　Thatwasalittleideaofmyown,andhadseveralwholesomepurposesinviewtowardthecivilizingandupliftingofthisnation.Inthefirstplace,itwasafurtive,underhandblowatthisnonsenseofknighterrantry,thoughnobodysuspectedthatbutme.Ihadstartedanumberofthesepeopleout——thebravestknightsIcouldget——eachsandwichedbetweenbulletin-boardsbearingonedeviceoranother,andIjudgedthatbyandbywhentheygottobenumerousenoughtheywouldbegintolookridiculous;andthen,eventhesteel-cladassthatHADN'Tanyboardwouldhimselfbegintolookridiculousbecausehewasoutofthefashion.
　　Secondly,thesemissionarieswouldgradually,andwithoutcreatingsuspicionorexcitingalarm,introducearudimentarycleanlinessamongthenobility,andfromthemitwouldworkdowntothepeople,ifthepriestscouldbekeptquiet.ThiswouldunderminetheChurch.Imeanwouldbeasteptowardthat.Next,education——next,freedom——andthenshewouldbegintocrumble.
　　ItbeingmyconvictionthatanyEstablishedChurchisanestablishedcrime,anestablishedslave-pen,Ihadnoscruples,butwaswillingtoassailitinanywayorwithanyweaponthatpromisedtohurtit.Why,inmyownformerday——inremotecenturiesnotyetstirringinthewomboftime——therewereoldEnglishmenwhoimaginedthattheyhadbeenborninafreecountry:a"free"countrywiththeCorporationActandtheTeststillinforceinit——timbersproppedagainstmen'slibertiesanddishonoredconsciencestoshoreupanEstablishedAnachronismwith.
　　Mymissionariesweretaughttospelloutthegiltsignsontheirtabards——theshowygildingwasaneatidea,Icouldhavegotthekingtowearabulletin-boardforthesakeofthatbarbaricsplendor——theyweretospelloutthesesignsandthenexplaintothelordsandladieswhatsoapwas;andifthelordsandladieswereafraidofit,getthemtotryitonadog.Themissionary'snextmovewastogetthefamilytogetherandtryitonhimself;hewastostopatnoexperiment,howeverdesperate.
　　thatcouldconvincethenobilitythatsoapwasharmless;ifanyfinaldoubtremained,hemustcatchahermit——thewoodswerefullofthem;saintstheycalledthemselves,andsaintstheywerebelievedtobe.Theywereunspeakablyholy,andworkedmiracles,andeverybodystoodinaweofthem.
　　Ifahermitcouldsurviveawash,andthatfailedtoconvinceaduke,givehimup,lethimalone.
　　Whenevermymissionariesovercameaknighterrantontheroadtheywashedhim,andwhenhegotwelltheysworehimtogoandgetabulletin-boardanddisseminatesoapandcivilizationtherestofhisdays.Asaconsequencetheworkersinthefieldwereincreasingbydegrees,andthereformwassteadilyspreading.Mysoapfactoryfeltthestrainearly.AtfirstIhadonlytwohands;butbeforeIhadlefthomeIwasalreadyemployingfifteen,andrunningnightandday;andtheatmosphericresultwasgettingsopronouncedthatthekingwentsortoffaintingandgaspingaroundandsaidhedidnotbelievehecouldstanditmuchlonger,andSirLauncelotgotsothathedidhardlyanythingbutwalkupanddowntheroofandswear,althoughItoldhimitwasworseuptherethananywhereelse,buthesaidhewantedplentyofair;andhewasalwayscomplainingthatapalacewasnoplaceforasoapfactoryanyway,andsaidifamanwastostartoneinhishousehewouldbedamnedifhewouldn'tstranglehim.Therewereladiespresent,too,butmuchthesepeopleevercaredforthat;theywouldswearbeforechildren,ifthewindwastheirwaywhenthefactorywasgoing.
　　Thismissionaryknight'snamewasLaCoteMaleTaile,andhesaidthatthiscastlewastheabodeofMorganleFay,sisterofKingArthur,andwifeofKingUriens.monarchofarealmaboutasbigastheDistrictofColumbia——youcouldstandinthemiddleofitandthrowbricksintothenextkingdom."Kings"and"Kingdoms"wereasthickinBritainastheyhadbeeninlittlePalestineinJoshua'stime,whenpeoplehadtosleepwiththeirkneespulledupbecausetheycouldn'tstretchoutwithoutapassport.
　　LaCotewasmuchdepressed,forhehadscoredheretheworstfailureofhiscampaign.Hehadnotworkedoffacake;yethehadtriedallthetricksofthetrade,eventothewashingofahermit;butthehermitdied.
　　Thiswas,indeed,abadfailure,forthisanimalwouldnowbedubbedamartyr,andwouldtakehisplaceamongthesaintsoftheRomancalendar.
　　Thusmadehehismoan,thispoorSirLaCoteMaleTaile,andsorrowedpassingsore.Andsomyheartbledforhim,andIwasmovedtocomfortandstayhim.WhereforeIsaid:
　　"Forbeartogrieve,fairknight,forthisisnotadefeat.Wehavebrains,youandI;andforsuchashavebrainstherearenodefeats,butonlyvictories.
　　Observehowwewillturnthisseemingdisasterintoanadvertisement;anadvertisementforoursoap;andthebiggestone,todraw,thatwaseverthoughtof;anadvertisementthatwilltransformthatMountWashingtondefeatintoaMatterhornvictory.Wewillputonyourbulletin-board,'PATRONIZED
　　BYTHEELECT.'Howdoesthatstrikeyou?"
　　"Verily,itiswonderlybethought!"
　　"Well,abodyisboundtoadmitthatforjustamodestlittleone-linead.,it'sacorker."
　　Sothepoorcolporteur'sgriefsvanishedaway.Hewasabravefellow,andhaddonemightyfeatsofarmsinhistime.Hischiefcelebrityrestedupontheeventsofanexcursionlikethisoneofmine,whichhehadoncemadewithadamselnamedMaledisant,whowasashandywithhertongueaswasSandy,thoughinadifferentway,forhertonguechurnedforthonlyrailingsandinsult,whereasSandy'smusicwasofakindliersort.Iknewhisstorywell,andsoIknewhowtointerpretthecompassionthatwasinhisfacewhenhebademefarewell.HesupposedIwashavingabitterhardtimeofit.
　　SandyandIdiscussedhisstory,aswerodealong,andshesaidthatLaCote'sbadluckhadbegunwiththeverybeginningofthattrip;fortheking'sfoolhadoverthrownhimonthefirstday,andinsuchcasesitwascustomaryforthegirltodeserttotheconqueror,butMaledisantdidn'tdoit;andalsopersistedafterwardinstickingtohim,afterallhisdefeats.But,saidI,supposethevictorshoulddeclinetoaccepthisspoil?Shesaidthatthatwouldn'tanswer——hemust.Hecouldn'tdecline;
　　itwouldn'tberegular.Imadeanoteofthat.IfSandy'smusicgottobetooburdensome,sometime,Iwouldletaknightdefeatme,onthechancethatshewoulddeserttohim.
　　Induetimewewerechallengedbythewarders,fromthecastlewalls,andafteraparleyadmitted.Ihavenothingpleasanttotellaboutthatvisit.Butitwasnotadisappointment,forIknewMrs.leFaybyreputation,andwasnotexpectinganythingpleasant.Shewasheldinawebythewholerealm,forshehadmadeeverybodybelieveshewasagreatsorceress.Allherwayswerewicked,allherinstinctsdevilish.Shewasloadedtotheeyelidswithcoldmalice.Allherhistorywasblackwithcrime;andamonghercrimesmurderwascommon.Iwasmostcurioustoseeher;ascuriousasIcouldhavebeentoseeSatan.Tomysurpriseshewasbeautiful;blackthoughtshadfailedtomakeherexpressionrepulsive,agehadfailedtowrinklehersatinskinormaritsbloomyfreshness.ShecouldhavepassedforoldUriens'granddaughter,shecouldhavebeenmistakenforsistertoherownson.
　　Assoonaswewerefairlywithinthecastlegateswewereorderedintoherpresence.KingUrienswasthere,akind-facedoldmanwithasubduedlook;andalsotheson,SirUwaineleBlanchemains,inwhomIwas,ofcourse,interestedonaccountofthetraditionthathehadoncedonebattlewiththirtyknights,andalsoonaccountofhistripwithSirGawaineandSirMarhaus,whichSandyhadbeenagingmewith.ButMorganwasthemainattraction,theconspicuouspersonalityhere;shewasheadchiefofthishousehold,thatwasplain.Shecausedustobeseated,andthenshebegan,withallmannerofprettygracesandgraciousnesses,toaskmequestions.Dearme,itwaslikeabirdoraflute,orsomething,talking.Ifeltpersuadedthatthiswomanmusthavebeenmisrepresented,liedabout.Shetrilledalong,andtrilledalong,andpresentlyahandsomeyoungpage,clothedliketherainbow,andaseasyandundulatoryofmovementasawave,camewithsomethingonagoldensalver,and,kneelingtopresentittoher,overdidhisgracesandlosthisbalance,andsofelllightlyagainstherknee.Sheslippedadirkintohiminasmatter-of-courseawayasanotherpersonwouldhaveharpoonedarat!
　　Poorchild!heslumpedtothefloor,twistedhissilkenlimbsinonegreatstrainingcontortionofpain,andwasdead.Outoftheoldkingwaswrunganinvoluntary"O-h!"ofcompassion.Thelookhegot,madehimcutitsuddenlyshortandnotputanymorehyphensinit.SirUwaine,atasignfromhismother,wenttotheanteroomandcalledsomeservants,andmeanwhilemadamewentripplingsweetlyalongwithhertalk.
　　Isawthatshewasagoodhousekeeper,forwhileshetalkedshekeptacornerofhereyeontheservantstoseethattheymadenobalksinhandlingthebodyandgettingitout;whentheycamewithfreshcleantowels,shesentbackfortheotherkind;andwhentheyhadfinishedwipingthefloorandweregoing,sheindicatedacrimsonfleckthesizeofatearwhichtheirdullereyeshadoverlooked.ItwasplaintomethatLaCoteMaleTailehadfailedtoseethemistressofthehouse.Often,howlouderandclearerthananytongue,doesdumbcircumstantialevidencespeak.
　　MorganleFayrippledalongasmusicallyasever.Marvelouswoman.Andwhataglanceshehad:whenitfellinreproofuponthoseservants,theyshrunkandquailedastimidpeopledowhenthelightningflashesoutofacloud.Icouldhavegotthehabitmyself.ItwasthesamewiththatpooroldBrerUriens;hewasalwaysontheraggededgeofapprehension;shecouldnoteventurntowardhimbuthewinced.
　　InthemidstofthetalkIletdropacomplimentarywordaboutKingArthur,forgettingforthemomenthowthiswomanhatedherbrother.Thatonelittlecomplimentwasenough.Shecloudeduplikestorm;shecalledforherguards,andsaid:
　　"Halemethesevarletstothedungeons."
　　Thatstruckcoldonmyears,forherdungeonshadareputation.Nothingoccurredtometosay——ordo.ButnotsowithSandy.Astheguardlaidahanduponme,shepipedupwiththetranquilestconfidence,andsaid:
　　"God'swounds,dostthoucovetdestruction,thoumaniac?ItisTheBoss!"
　　Nowwhatahappyideathatwas!——andsosimple;yetitwouldneverhaveoccurredtome.Iwasbornmodest;notallover,butinspots;andthiswasoneofthespots.
　　Theeffectuponmadamewaselectrical.Itclearedhercountenanceandbroughtbackhersmilesandallherpersuasivegracesandblandishments;
　　butneverthelessshewasnotabletoentirelycoverupwiththemthefactthatshewasinaghastlyfright.Shesaid:
　　"La,butdolisttothinehandmaid!asifonegiftedwithpowersliketominemightsaythethingwhichIhavesaiduntoonewhohasvanquishedMerlin,andnotbejesting.BymineenchantmentsIforesawyourcoming,andbythemIknewyouwhenyouenteredhere.Ididbutplaythislittlejestwithhopetosurpriseyouintosomedisplayofyourart,asnotdoubtingyouwouldblasttheguardswithoccultfires,consumingthemtoashesonthespot,amarvelmuchbeyondmineownability,yetonewhichIhavelongbeenchildishlycurioustosee."
　　Theguardswerelesscurious,andgotoutassoonastheygotpermission.
　　AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur'sCourt-Chapter17Chapter17-ARoyalBanquetMADAME,seeingmepacificandunresentful,nodoubtjudgedthatIwasdeceivedbyherexcuse;forherfrightdissolvedaway,andshewassoonsoimportunatetohavemegiveanexhibitionandkillsomebody,thatthethinggrewtobeembarrassing.However,tomyreliefshewaspresentlyinterruptedbythecalltoprayers.Iwillsaythismuchforthenobility:that,tyrannical,murderous,rapacious,andmorallyrottenastheywere,theyweredeeplyandenthusiasticallyreligious.NothingcoulddivertthemfromtheregularandfaithfulperformanceofthepietiesenjoinedbytheChurch.MorethanonceIhadseenanoblewhohadgottenhisenemyatadisadvantage,stoptopraybeforecuttinghisthroat;morethanonceIhadseenanoble,afterambushinganddespatchinghisenemy,retiretothenearestwaysideshrineandhumblygivethanks,withoutevenwaitingtorobthebody.TherewastobenothingfinerorsweeterinthelifeofevenBenvenutoCellini,thatrough-hewnsaint,tencenturieslater.AllthenoblesofBritain,withtheirfamilies,attendeddivineservicemorningandnightdaily,intheirprivatechapels,andeventheworstofthemhadfamilyworshipfiveorsixtimesadaybesides.ThecreditofthisbelongedentirelytotheChurch.
　　AlthoughIwasnofriendtothatCatholicChurch,Iwasobligedtoadmitthis.Andoften,inspiteofme,Ifoundmyselfsaying,"WhatwouldthiscountrybewithouttheChurch?"
　　Afterprayerswehaddinnerinagreatbanquetinghallwhichwaslightedbyhundredsofgrease-jets,andeverythingwasasfineandlavishandrudelysplendidasmightbecometheroyaldegreeofthehosts.Attheheadofthehall,onadais,wasthetableoftheking,queen,andtheirson,PrinceUwaine.Stretchingdownthehallfromthis,wasthegeneraltable,onthefloor.Atthis,abovethesalt,satthevisitingnoblesandthegrownmembersoftheirfamilies,ofbothsexes,——theresidentCourt,ineffect——sixty-onepersons;belowthesaltsatminorofficersofthehousehold,withtheirprincipalsubordinates:altogetherahundredandeighteenpersonssitting,andaboutasmanyliveriedservantsstandingbehindtheirchairs,orservinginonecapacityoranother.Itwasaveryfineshow.Inagalleryabandwithcymbals,horns,harps,andotherhorrors,openedtheproceedingswithwhatseemedtobethecrudefirst-draftororiginalagonyofthewailknowntolatercenturiesas"IntheSweetByeandBye."Itwasnew,andoughttohavebeenrehearsedalittlemore.Forsomereasonorotherthequeenhadthecomposerhanged,afterdinner.
　　Afterthismusic,thepriestwhostoodbehindtheroyaltablesaidanoblelonggraceinostensibleLatin.Thenthebattalionofwaitersbrokeawayfromtheirposts,anddarted,rushed,flew,fetchedandcarried,andthemightyfeedingbegan;nowordsanywhere,butabsorbingattentiontobusiness.Therowsofchopsopenedandshutinvastunison,andthesoundofitwasliketothemuffledburrofsubterraneanmachinery.
　　Thehavoccontinuedanhourandahalf,andunimaginablewasthedestructionofsubstantials.Ofthechieffeatureofthefeast——thehugewildboarthatlaystretchedoutsoportlyandimposingatthestart——nothingwasleftbutthesemblanceofahoop-skirt;andhewasbutthetypeandsymbolofwhathadhappenedtoalltheotherdishes.
　　Withthepastriesandsoon,theheavydrinkingbegan——andthetalk.
　　Gallonaftergallonofwineandmeaddisappeared,andeverybodygotcomfortable,thenhappy,thensparklinglyjoyous——bothsexes,——andbyandbyprettynoisy.Mentoldanecdotesthatwereterrifictohear,butnobodyblushed;
　　andwhenthenubwassprung,theassemblageletgowithahorse-laughthatshookthefortress.LadiesansweredbackwithhistoriettesthatwouldalmosthavemadeQueenMargaretofNavarreoreventhegreatElizabethofEnglandhidebehindahandkerchief,butnobodyhidhere,butonlylaughed——howled,youmaysay.Inprettymuchallofthesedreadfulstories,ecclesiasticswerethehardyheroes,butthatdidn'tworrythechaplainany,hehadhislaughwiththerest;morethanthat,uponinvitationheroaredoutasongwhichwasofasdaringasortasanythatwassungthatnight.
　　Bymidnighteverybodywasfaggedout,andsorewithlaughing;and,asarule,drunk:someweepingly,someaffectionately,somehilariously,somequarrelsomely,somedeadandunderthetable.Oftheladies,theworstspectaclewasalovelyyoungduchess,whosewedding-evethiswas;andindeedshewasaspectacle,sureenough.JustasshewasshecouldhavesatinadvancefortheportraitoftheyoungdaughteroftheRegentd'Orleans,atthefamousdinnerwhenceshewascarried,foul-mouthed,intoxicated,andhelpless,toherbed,inthelostandlamenteddaysoftheAncientRegime.
　　Suddenly,evenwhilethepriestwasliftinghishands,andallconsciousheadswerebowedinreverentexpectationofthecomingblessing,thereappearedunderthearchofthefar-offdooratthebottomofthehallanoldandbentandwhite-hairedlady,leaninguponacrutch-stick;andsheliftedthestickandpointedittowardthequeenandcriedout:
　　"ThewrathandcurseofGodfalluponyou,womanwithoutpity,whohaveslainmineinnocentgrandchildandmadedesolatethisoldheartthathadnorchick,norfriendnorstaynorcomfortinallthisworldbuthim!"
　　Everybodycrossedhimselfinagrislyfright,foracursewasanawfulthingtothosepeople;butthequeenroseupmajestic,withthedeath-lightinhereye,andflungbackthisruthlesscommand:
　　"Layhandsonher!Tothestakewithher!"
　　Theguardslefttheirpoststoobey.Itwasashame;itwasacruelthingtosee.Whatcouldbedone?Sandygavemealook;Iknewshehadanotherinspiration.Isaid:
　　"Dowhatyouchoose."